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#272593 - 01/25/09 07:27 PM No where to turn ! 1st post.
Highlanderhog Offline

Registered: 01/25/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Arkansas
I have no other options yet. Tried in vain for three weeks to find a T within a 100 miles or less than has any ability or experience to work with male survivers. Early Dec. the layer on the onion was peeled away by accident. I have only this site. Been in recovery with AA for 3 years and 9 months ( 5+ before that and in & out for2 years)and feel utterly alone. I live in a rural area and small town where most everybody knows me or my family. I have good reason not to trust my doctor (they talk )and got such a negative response from sponser about seeking T. I feel even more isolated and alone and now the panic attacks are worse. Went to my cell phone directory to share with someone in AA my confusion, fear, and pain about discovering the elephant in the room I have been ignoring, unfortunately there are none that I can trust with such a secret or/and relate. I hate my life ( NOT suicidal).

Please just use HLH instead of HighlanderHog!
I have lived the saying " religion is for people afraid to go to hell and spirituality is for those who have already been there." But, I am happy for anyone who has a Higher power that works for them no matter where they find it.

#272596 - 01/25/09 07:35 PM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: Highlanderhog]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Hilander, and welcome to the MS site. Glad you found this place of support, I feel it will be a great help to you. Finding the right T is tough, I went to 4 different ones and they varied in helpfullness from Great to Horrible. While it would be good if your T has specfic experience or training in working with male survivors, I wouldn't throw them out all together if they do not. Mine didn't have that specific qualification, yet they were very good at helping me with the issues. If you are close to the LR area, please send me a private message if you want using the site's PM facility and I can give you a couple of good recommendations.

Again, welcome, and I hope you get some peace here.


#272602 - 01/25/09 07:59 PM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: EGL]
lars3229 Offline

Registered: 12/04/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
Welcome Hilander.
We're glad you're here. Finding a good T was difficult for me as well. There aren't many in the middle of Iowa who have dealt with male survivors, but I did find one who has been of help to me.
I know you're in a rough spot right now, but the med of this site a wonderful and listening and offering a supportive word or two whenever you need it. I hope you find some peace here along your journey.



You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

#272605 - 01/25/09 08:38 PM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: Highlanderhog]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
welcome highlander! our brothers seem to be coming in herds and droves out of the walls these days! so sad in one way, but so joyful in another. now that you have found male survivor, you have found a safe place to fall apart, and put yourself back together again.

one piece at a time! one day, one moment, one nano second at a time highlander.

so glad you made it, and looking forward to you sharing your story with us. after dealing with this for over 40 years, i can tell you there is hope. it does not all come in one big gulp, but in little sips as needed. male survivor is a really, really, good place to begin your healing.


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#272624 - 01/26/09 12:04 AM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: Sans Logos]
beakin Offline

Registered: 08/14/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas

Next month will make 6 years sober for me in AA. I'm sorry to hear you didn't get a very positive response from your sponsor about finding a therapist. How blessed I feel that I have a sponsor who understands that the Big Book tells us that we seek outside help where it's needed.

I'm finally dealing with the abuse in my childhood and was lucky enough to be able to contact a previous T from years ago. He made a suggestion for someone about 100 miles from where I live. I've seen Michael for the past maybe three months now and it's helped already. I trust this man. To be honest, I trust very few people, particularly men.

I also know a couple of AA members who are csa survivors. It's helped to be able to talk a bit. I don't pretend to really remember all of what happened at this point, but I tried to drink those memories away for 33 years.

Try to stay in today and just do the next thing you need to do. Every time I start to panic, I find I'm able today to recognize (usually) that it's starting. I try to take a step back and realize the problem didn't start today and that it won't be solved today. But, I can live with that today and accept that it is truly progress, not perfection. Today I know it will all work out. Just knowing that helps keep me in my skin when the pain wants to overwhelm me.

Reading what others have to say here has gone a long way toward making me realize I am not alone with this. I'm not unique and I'm not bad.

Welcome. I'm determined this time the pain will not scare me away from recovery.


Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

#272721 - 01/26/09 04:44 PM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: Highlanderhog]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Greetings Highlanderhog.
Wecome to M/S and to hell too. You came to the right place. Right here, right now. Here I am HOME. Here I am with REAL friends/brothers. We have been there, we have been into the depths of hell, and into the very depths of our souls. In this web site you will see where we bare our very souls to each other. Here you will get compassion, understanding and love. I/we are not trained therapists, but we try and help each other along. Besides who knows better than US? We all might not agree with some of the answers we get. But you get to pick and choose what is best for you. I myself are fairly new in this web site and in therapy (6 months). So you see you DID have somewhere to turn. I hope that you can find a competent therapist soon. I held my SECRET for 55 years buried in the depths of my soul, until last August. So Highlanderhog again welcome, please let me be your friend/brother in healing Highlanderhog.
Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#272724 - 01/26/09 05:01 PM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: petercorbett]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Welcome to a place of Love and support Highlanderhog.

I feel the pain in your post. I am moved to share my belief that letting your higher power guide you will surely bring you to others with the pain of CSA who you can physically share hugs with. My morning reading in the big book includes a reminder to turn my will over to my higher power "Thy will be done", it helps me to move closer to serenity. (the end of Chapter 6 Into action)...

keep your eyes peeled for am AA event, roundup or whatever, to attend and let your higher power guide you to who and what you need.

Love Wes

--I feel like I am sliding away from experience strength and hope and moving towards advice... Be wary, I'm an addict, I have been know to lie. :-\ --

Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#272738 - 01/26/09 07:33 PM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: wes-b]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

Isolated...I get that.

Firstly, I am wondering why your sponsor gave you such a negative response.

What does it say before pg. 164?...that states, "Are book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little."

...So backing up to the "little we know" on pg. 133 it states, "But this does not mean that we disreguard human health measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors,psychologists,and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psyciatrist. Their services are often indispensible in treating a newcomer and in FOLLOWING HIS CASE AFTERWARD. (copied from the Big Book (Fourth Edition)of Alcoholics Anonymous).

I'm just curious about how much your sponsor knows about the little that they know. My guess is less than zero. I'm sure he means well, but is his advice really helping you? Does he have a sponsor? Which would be your Grand a second opinion?

Whenever I see three women sitting at at table (I think) odds are one of them has been molested. Males, I believe is 1 in six. Please have faith that your not as alone as you think you are.

I like what Wes had to say about keeping your eyes peeled. I parted with my last sponsor (as he could not help me). The Big Book was everything I needed, If I just stayed sober everything would get better. Advice that I believe does more harm than good.

On a personal note: I just started meeting with someone last week, with several years of sobriety (recently relapsed). He is my new travelling companion. I am sure you have seen how a normie, just doesn't get it like another fellow alchoholic. The same applies to dealing with CSA.

Have hope. Help is out there..

Human (The Killers)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#272831 - 01/27/09 10:22 AM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: Highlanderhog]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I think you have found a good place to start. I think a lot of folks like me just aren't ready for face to face therapy right off the bat.

My Story
My Art

#273853 - 02/03/09 07:37 PM Re: No where to turn ! 1st post. [Re: blueshift]
Highlanderhog Offline

Registered: 01/25/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Arkansas
Thanks everyone for your words. Just got power back yesterday after the ice storm. Went a week with no power and sub freezing temps with just layers of clothing and bottled water ( on well, no generator ). wife had left to go see her son just before the power went and the worst ice hit. I was all alone, it felt kinda good.
About my sponser(s). I have not had the best luck ( who could know the folks in AA have defects !!!lol) The first one who sounded so good in the meetings turned out to have never ever done the steps and was too busy trying to play around on his wife to work with me( he went out before I could change ), the next one turned out to have brain cancer and died within a year. After that several members turned me down due to travel needs etc....and I find out later after I gave my first talk about my drunkalog history at least half the members resented me or were uncomfortable with the fact that they percieved me to be rich. In fact, at the end of my talk a local on the front row when it was his turn to talk said " hell, if I had your money i'd still be drinking !to the laughter of several( my talk had nothing to do with $ at all but I am well known in town) I most always wore a tie and dress clothes to meetings (because i was going or coming to work---gotta work more than ANYONE else to prove I am worth something ). Please understand that the area I live in ( sorry for the generalizations) consists of usually one of two groups, either retired and moved here for cheaper living from up north or CA with the majority being blue collar, or, the folks who grew up in this small town where a couple of families had most of the $ and everyone worked for them at low wages. It is hard if not impossible to ever be accepted by the locals ( both groups have lots and lots of good people in them ).
Anyway I had to basically just survive for a year on my own in the program and with enough pain I finished my 4th step and needed someone to take the 5th step with NOW ! So I called the people I wanted the most but finally about the 9th person on my list agreed. BIG MISTAKE ! Again, sounded like the big book author in meetings but I was later to learn several years later that he had not had a sponser in 10 years and had never gone past the 5th step himself. I went to him about porn, etc.. and always was just redirected. Just go to meetings and stay sober and everything will get better was the pat reply ( this is about 3-4 years sober ). The layers of my onion were being peeled away slowly due to lots of self study and being lucky enough to find speaker tapes ( I LOVE Frank M. IL )that saved my life at the time. Unfortunately I see now that I was closer and closer to noticing the 500 lb. Gorilla in the room that I kept cleaning and working around. I finally had to get another sponser when he was so enraged with politics that I either had to defend myself ( his house ) or leave. Of course I left.
Next sponser was no BS kinda guy and I respect the hell out of him but as I looked back I had learn ( my defect and my perception ) to only say so much after 4 years of , I don't know, self sponsorship or/and the fear of letting another man know what happened to me especially when taking my 5th step I was told when going over my resentments the first one was my perp that it was no big deal I just had to quit using it as a crutch . that was it no more disscusion ever was allowed on CSA. A lttle over 5 years sober ( little growth/lot dry ) I literally took a glass of wine in another country with out thinking, once I did, what a weekend in Bucharest and what guilt and shame on the way home during the long flights. Went 1 1/2 drinking off and on but still going to meeting and pretending to be sober. But that damn 500lb gorilla was right there just under the surface. Finally admitted to a person with 39 years of sobriety at the time that I was drinking ( surprise ! most other AA's with any awareness knew I was drinking already ) Ther first thing we did was work on adult children of alcoholics which helped and for the first time in my life I was completely honest with another person ( albeit as honest as I was capable after so many years of being able to lie with no thought process ) a lot of growth has occured the past 3 years and 10 months. However, any attempt to discuss my perp (feeling towards him )and the after effects of CSA were quickly dropped. After (my sponser) told me that homosexuallity was deviant learned behavior and not genetic, etc.... would you mention your confused and sometimes inappropriate sexual id to that person ( I am not gay, but I will not be anybody's judge on their sexual preference ) ? I can't. We have drifted apart. There is that guy from before that I respect and have seen live the steps but I just can not tell him the big secret. The problem is as it hit me over a month ago that almost all my defects stem from the CSA and my family( incest, violence, negativity, manipulation, etc... ). I have to go for a while. I do not type well and both hands go numb ( I spent a lot of years proving how manly and tough I was ). Thank you again for your time and words.

Edited by Highlanderhog (02/03/09 08:29 PM)
Please just use HLH instead of HighlanderHog!
I have lived the saying " religion is for people afraid to go to hell and spirituality is for those who have already been there." But, I am happy for anyone who has a Higher power that works for them no matter where they find it.

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