Please do not read if you may be triggered. . . . . . . . . . . . Hello, Thanks for all the support. I love children as I stated. When I see a child the feeling is so intense of love that I cannot explain it. I mean that I adore children. Not in a sexual way but the feeling of love is so strong that it does excite me. Does that make sense? One time when I gave my grandson a hug I actually got an erection emmediately. I am 45 that never happens. I still do not think it was sexual. The love I think is so strong when I see little children all children. I believe that my body does not know haow to show true love. I drank and used chemicals for 25 years. One other thing I must say for me is that in my active addiction I had sex with males 2 times. Just oral sex. I was blacking out drunk though that does not excuse my acting out. The one thing that I remember while preforming oral on a guy is that it was dejavu. Like it happenned before. I do not remember this ever happening with my step grand father. But the feeling was too real. I wanted to die after both occasions. It does still excite me to think of this. My mind for the last 25 years while using was so foggy. The moore clearly everyday gets sober the realization that I was so out of control. By Gods divine intervention I was saved from this. I could not tell you how I stopped. I was smoking crack and homeless(because I was kicked out of my house) thinking of robbing people or selling my body. I weighed about 130 and am 5"11. I got help after rehab after rehab voluntarily enrolled in a out patient program which lasted over a year. I went to 2 meetings a day and after the insane obsession and compulsion to use drugs or kill myself went away semi peace was acheived for the first time in my life. I got a sponsor,homegroup and continued with a one on one therapist. Everything and feeling is a new experience. I have a highschool diploma only at age 45. I beleive that to help others and possibbly warn them that alcohol can lead to total distruction. You may not realize what was lost until for me 25 years. I believe that incest survivor groups are not wide spread as AA and NA. The closest SA meeting from Pittsburgh is in uniontoun which is I believe over an hour away. I havenot done too much research. This website is God sent. I can tell a counslor or therapist, wife etx but until I hear other abuse victimswho have gone through some of the same things that I have how can I relate? The worst part of the whole thig is that the pleasurable thoughts continue and A love hate relationship exists. I know that they are only thoughts and dreams but it still bothers me to have that funny sexual excitement about children and cute men. The cute men does not bother me too bad because I see that as a learned behavior because the first sexual experience was a male. I could not hate my step grand father for what he did. He was my only male role model and I never hated him. I do resent myself a bit for not knowing that the incidents were wrong. I did know not to tell. It is still confusing because I was 5. I liked it. My counsor said that just because your a child someone stroking your penis is going to be fun. I remember enjoyment but also remember fear. I would stay over my grandmother"s house and remember starring at the design on the door being afraid of someone coming in. I mean deathly afraid. That is all I remember. I know stuff happenned in that room but donot remember. My grandparents took me to Canadoda because my grandmother liked to fish. They got a cottage. I do not remember what happenned there also. I do remember being fondled as my grandfather was showing me how to swim at a lake. I say these things because recolection I believe helps me. My concept of love is distorted I believe. I cannot imagine God loving us so much. I think that as a sick thing. I strive to get closer to God. I hope this may have made others realize that there is hope. I cannot express my grattitude enough for how this has helped me talking and getting the responses so far. Please continue. zthank you. Timothyrecovery