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#272289 - 01/22/09 05:47 PM Sex Drive
xJustex Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Canada
Hey I'm new here and I'm kind of looking for advice on something.

Guess I'll explain a little, I have been working on healing from sexual abuse for about a year now, and I feel leagues better than I did before, I re-learned to feel and I now feel more capable of handling intense emotions, being more intimate in my relationships, and changing my faulty thought patterns. Group Therapy, CBT/RBT, Counseling, Self-Care, Mindfulness, and a does of Nihilist/Idealist philosophies have been my big helpers so far.

But anyways I met someone recently who I do feel for and we were intimate sexually at one point and I noticed I did not feel comfortable. I did not expect this, but I wasn't sure how to stop it, I would've liked too though. So it got me thinking that I may not be fully comfortable with being sexual yet. I've also realized I've acted out sexually before and had one night stands and seem to have no problems with being sexual than. But now that I'm with someone who I feel safe investing in, it's very different, my sex drive is really low and the thought of having sex doesn't seem too appealing, whereas before I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm really confused, and I am going to discuss boundaries with him, and that sometimes I may not feel comfortably with being touched and I'm sure he'll understand. It's also frustrating because the fact that I was sexually abused IS affecting my relationship so I'm feeling a lot of anger towards the abusers and the whole idea. This is getting in my way!

So the thing is, I really hope it does happen eventually, I guess I just need a little re-assurance. It is possible to reclaim a healthy sexuality right? I get nervous thoughts like "What if I never feel sexual attraction towards him? What if the feeling just never comes?" I'm guessing it'll take time, and this is all still really new to me. But I'm asking myself "How long is this going to take?"

Edited by xJustex (01/22/09 05:54 PM)

#272291 - 01/22/09 07:41 PM Re: Sex Drive [Re: xJustex]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey, Justex. I am glad you found this site, although I am so sorry for your reasons... but I hope you will find some wonderful support here, as I have.

I experienced something similar in my own journey. I have been married for 20 years, but am in the process of coming out. In doing so, i have met the most wonderful man - he is another survivor. We have a long distance relationship, and that worked well for us - the reason is because we really worked on trusting each other for a very long time. We only started being physical last August on a vacation together. It was scary at first, but we had created such a strong emotional bond, the physical felt safe. Since that time we have only been able to be together twice - once in October and then earlier this month. Each time the physical aspects are even better because the trust and comfort with each other is growing stronger and stronger.

I think if we had been given the opportunity to be physical earlier on, it would have been similar to what you describe - we actually talked a lot about what was scaring us about the ideas of sex... our faulty thinking... our need for boundaries. We also reassured each other that the other would stop if anything became uncomfortable or scary.

Have you told your bf about your abuse? If you have, it might be good to explain about some of your fears, letting him know it is not HIM, but your expeiences that are creating the discomfort. I wonder if his knowing about where you are coming from might help you both approach sex as a healthy and safe activity.

I also wonder if you are able to establish non sexual intimacy with him. I know with my bf, talking, holding hands, neck rubs, gentle touching that does NOT lead to sex has been an amazing step for both of us in our healing.

I guess for us, it has been a lot of communication - almost 2 years of it - that has lead to a point where we are ready to settle down and live our lives as partners, in every sense of the word - emotionally and physically.

Don't know if that makes sense or not... hope it does.


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#272300 - 01/22/09 11:31 PM Re: Sex Drive [Re: dannym]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
To answer your question on is it possible to reclaim a health sexuality, I know for me it was possible.

What Dan says above is so true. At least it was for me. It does take time and it takes trust. I too have met and am in a very healthy and loving partnership with a great guy. We started out slow on all aspects of a relationship. The very best advice I can give to you is to be honest and upfront with who you are and your CSA with your friend/partner. I was triggered and still am sometimes during intimacy. But I can say stop and he/my partner/ understands. The triggers are lessening because I am feeling in the relationship LOVE more so than sex. I was abused and to me it was rape. But when you love someone the intimacy is just that, Love. I don't look at it as sex. I look at it and feel emotionally attatched. I feel close and feel we are giving each other just that, our love for each other.

Hope you might gain some help from this. How long it takes is up to you. But please don't give up. A healthy and loving relationship is the most awesome thing that could happen for you. I wish you the very best.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher



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