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#27212 - 04/24/02 06:34 PM first visit
randy Offline

Registered: 04/24/02
Posts: 30
Loc: Pittsburgh, Pa
Just found this site and plan on visiting often. THis is how I got here....
My first recollection is the age of five. I could not bare the touch of my family. I to this day do not know why I had such an early dislike for my family. I grew up mostly with my grandparents. My only memory of my father was that he smoked Lucky Strikes. Mother left us (two sisters and a brother) with her parents and went to Georgia in search of work when I was six. My earliest recollection of what was to come, That later I understand was abnormal behavior, was being watched by my grandfather as I used the toilet. (I should state that by this point in time I had been diagnosed with ADHD with Bipolar disorder) At the age of eight my mother returned with a new husband and we moved away.
One-year later new husband is gone and Mom is trying to raise six kids as a waitress. Poor would not describe the wretched state we lived in. Into the picture come the Grandparents. We lived out in the country and on Halloween Grandparents brought us into town so we could trick or treat. That evening I was quietly ushered into my grandfather’s bed where he started the abuse in a just touch it fashion.
Every weekend Grandpa would show up with FOOD for the family. Lord knows we needed it.
Potato chips make a poor breakfast. Every weekend grandpa took me for one reason or another into town and would do as he pleased. I never said a word for fear that my siblings would suffer without food and Grandmas love. The next year our home burned down and we were sent to live with our Grandparents.
It then became a daily ritual. Grandpa even told me I wanted it. (He reminded me of him watching me play with myself on the toilet when I was seven. He even said it was to teach me how to be a man.
Grandpa then shared me with his brother whom it turns out had been screwing around with grandpa
All there lives. He tried when I was 12 to fix me up with my great aunt. Scared the heterosexuality out of me for ten years. I could not imagine what their home most have been like as kids.
I then committed a serious enough offense that the state of NY sent me to a youth home. I was free at last but in retrospect I allowed myself for the next 6 years to be used by anyone I met. I was just free of grandpa. I visited my uncle when Iwas about 25. His 12 year old son kissed me goodbye in a fashion that was inappropriate as I left that evening and he looked me straight in the eye in an odd way. It sent shivers through me. I found out that he went everywhere with grandpa. I tried to tell my uncle but he would have none of it, He too was party to abusing his little girls and did not want an uproar. My guilty feelings skyrocketed because I felt I had contributed too my cousins abuse. Years go by and my sister tells anyone listening that she too had been abused sexually by Grandpa. I mistakenly thought she was safe because grandpa was gay. That is when the real guilt kicked in. If only I had the strength to tell someone, but there are too many what ifs to think about. God sent me a wonderfull wife and two lovely little girls
as payment in arrears for a twisted childhood.

#27213 - 04/24/02 07:14 PM Re: first visit
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

Welcome to the site. Sorry you had to pay the price of admission, but this is a place of healing. Very glad to hear of your wonderful wife and daughters. You have always deserved the best life has to offer.

Stop by the chat room some evening, it is a great place to meet the rest of us.


Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#27214 - 04/25/02 02:15 AM Re: first visit
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Hey Randy I sent you a message, click on your profile to find it. Glad you are here.

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#27215 - 05/01/02 05:16 PM Re: first visit
Mark R Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 29
Loc: Palm Springs, CA
Randy...glad you're here. Keep sharing...Mark

#27216 - 05/01/02 06:25 PM Re: first visit

Good to see you here. As to the afteraffects I'm sort of taking a survey. Do you have trouble remembering peoples' names? Is it difficult for you to confront authority? When you were in high school were team sports difficult for you?

#27217 - 05/03/02 12:31 AM Re: first visit
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
I went through a lot of SA when I was a child and now have a wonderful wife and a 13 yo daughter..who is an angel!!! I just can't relate with anyone who could fuck up a child's whole life with SA! I hope that you are in or plan to get into therapy...Survivors of SA get screwed up in ways that we would never dream of...Pro-help can make life better for you and your family!!! Welcome aboard and I hope that we help send you in a good direction for recovery...the chat room is really good for venting!


[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: getteddie ]

[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: getteddie ]


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