Newest Members
cactus8, Neil Benesh, blazzeee, mmm coffee, Calibre09
13530 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Asmodeus (34), comeath3 (78), Poo (53), Roy (56), Skeeter (58), tazrad (46), Treehugger75 (42), waterworld (56)
Who's Online
2 registered (UniversalBeing, 1 invisible), 67 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,530 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,382 Topics
491,509 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#272055 - 01/20/09 04:28 PM Saying No
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12125
Loc: Denver, CO
I've read many times on the DB how some people told their perp no after so much abuse. In numerous cases, the perp backed off after being told no more.

Yet it seems harder to do in everyday life. Many of us turned into people-pleasers, presumably to keep someone's "friendship" or potential for such. We found it hard to say no to people later in life, as if whatever we were asked to do, we were bound by an unstoppable cosmic force to fulfill the request of whoever. In the past, I would almost resent being asked because it was so hard for this people-pleaser to say no. Other times I was happy to help with whatever.

Yes is ok under many circumstances. It's thrilling to be asked to join some form of leadership. Wow, someone trusts me to help in this vital area! Or, perhaps it's more out of necessity, which is ok too. But when it is best to say no? I was asked last week to take on another seemingly-minor leadership role, and suddenly felt like a cartoon character, walking around with half a dozen big 3-D arrows were pointing at me, floating along with me as I walked.

Saying no felt good. That's one less arrow pointing to me as the go-to guy for this or that. It's good to say yes and to offer the skills others value. It's good to be involved. Why, I feel like a real leader when I can fill the position. I'm ... a man.


Well, being a man is more than just taking on a hundred tasks to help lead given situations. My point is it's ok to say no now and then. We don't have to say yes until we are maxed out and crumbling under the stress of taking on more than math allows. It's ok to not try and please everyone. It's ok to decline now and then, gracefully.


Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#272061 - 01/20/09 05:52 PM Re: Saying No [Re: FormerTexan]
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3576
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thank You for this post Andy

I'm glad you were able to say no - I know it can be an empowering feeling

learning to say NO is a very important part of recovery for many of us

Saying NO has always been a very big issue for me

growing up in the house I did - no was not a word that I was allowed to use

yet... I did stop the abuse of my uncle by saying "no" after years of letting him do what he did (and sadly... have beaten myself up immensly for not saying no sooner)

that "no" should have been a very empowering point in my life - and yet - sadly - it was'nt... - I still was'nt allowed to say no at home

I joined the military basicaly as an escape from the home I grew up in - and yet.. in the military you are not allowed to say no there either - wich made my life growing up seem more "normal"...

but... then I got out of the military - moved 4 1/2 hours north of where I'd been raised and setled into a life of saying yes to just about anything - it's good I lived so far out in the middle of nowhere or I'd have gotten myself into major problems by overextending myself to others wishes

it was not untill after I'd came to this site and talked with a few people and then got a therapist that I even realized that saying "no" was a huge issue for me

I'm very glad that I can now say No when it is appropriate to - it sure is a struggle some times - I do need reminders that no is an ok word - and I'm glad that this post helps to remind me of that

No really is an ok word when used appropriately and gracefully

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#272062 - 01/20/09 06:36 PM Re: Saying No [Re: FormerTexan]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Thank you for this post - I really needed something like this right now.

I've been kind of beating myself up these last few days because I came face-to-face with a major issue that I believed I had resolved. Only to discover that there was still more to do.That left me reeling and a little uncertain as to my own judgement where my recovery is concerned.

But the saying NO thingy when and where it's appropriate? No longer a problem! I too was exactly the guy that you describe. It took for me getting major POd at the mess I was in for having taken on far too much, to finally admit defeat. I can't do everything nor can I be everything to everyone. Man, that was such a liberating revelation - the world did not depend on me so as to keep turning.

I resigned from a couple of positions almost immediately and I vowed to myself that I would never take on anything that did not feel right to me. Saying NO became rather easy to pronounce and slowly I began to get my life back.

That was fully ten years ago now and I haven't looked back since.

Your post gave me to take stock of where I am today as compared to where I've come from and it couldn't have come at a better time.

Sudenly, I like me again smile

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.