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#272927 - 01/27/09 11:42 PM Re: Please help! [Re: roxanne]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
And I don't think it's just about living with choices -- but everything that goes into how we make choices.

Now, perhaps "choices" isn't a good word -- compulsion might be better, and I'm not sure there's much freedom of choice when it comes to compulsions. There is, however, some freedom of choice when it comes to how people deal with their compulsions.

And it seems to me that people who act upon compulsions that can severely harm others are able to do so, in part, because they lack certain pretty important feelings in regard to those with whom they're intimate: like feelings of protectiveness.

It's a bit confusing to figure out what love means when it doesn't include feelings of protectiveness....

So it's not just a matter of living with "his choices" it seems to me, but also living with the ways in which he loves or not -- like loving with limited feelings of protectiveness....

And sadwife, please make sure you protect your physical health, apparently your husband is unable to at this time, so it's up to you.

Good luck with the road ahead, hopefully with time and healing we can all learn to love better.

Take care,

#273071 - 01/29/09 06:38 AM Re: Please help! [Re: Kathryn]
cstjude Offline

Registered: 09/05/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada

The only thing I can add to the good advice advanced here is to urge you to find a counsellor of your own and build yourself a good support structure. You cannot change, control, fix, or otherwise alleviate your husband's experience. But it is obviously having a major impact on your peace of mind, self-esteem, and emotional state. An objective opinion from your own counsellor (in addition to any joint-therapy you may pursue with your husband) and the chance to talk exclusively about yourself and your situation can be cathartic and grounding especially if life feels like it is spiralling out of control.

It is so hard not to take aspects of his behaviour as rejection of you or your love. When we love someone who has compelling emotional issues (I won't call it childhood sexual abuse yet because we don't know if that is your husband's experience), we have to come to grips with the fact that we are playing by different emotional rule books. The usual rules about emotional interaction and responses go right out the window. It is possible (even likely) that the behaviour you are interpreting as rejection of you, your body, your personality, the strength of your love, is really generated by his feelings of overwhelming fear, self-loathing, unworthiness, sexual identity confusion, panic, or a host of other emotional storms.

Be good to yourself. Find a good therapist. Keep coming back here. Find some good reading material to give you somewhere concrete to go when life seems too confusing. If it turns out that your husband is, indeed, a CSA survivor, then the best resource I can recommend (other than this site) is Browne and Browne's "If the Man You Love Was Abused." It's like a roadmap through this smetimes crazy-making, extraordinary experience of buiding a loving relationship with a survivor.


Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

#273083 - 01/29/09 09:44 AM Re: Please help! [Re: cstjude]
lovehimso Offline

Registered: 01/20/09
Posts: 10
Loc: CA, USA
I am new to this site , and new to the news of my husbands CSA. I have a question and hopefully someone can guide me to the right thoughts. Is it normal as the partner of a CSA survivor to be so resentful? I am so angry at what was at this point stolen from both of us , our children..... the happiness and content we could have known. I in no means want to diminish the devastation my husband has been through. He has always been my hero , and he has always asked me why i felt that way . I never really had words to explain myself until he told me of his abuse, then I knew. Somehow I want to believe that my subconscious must have connected in someway to the little boy I have always seen in his eyes. I want to have an emotionally balanced me , so that I can be there for support for him . I just know right now .... I am more hurtful than supportive . Please help me ..... I have started seeing a T who has 15 plus years of experience dealing with men as CSA survivors ....and their spouses, 2nd visit is tomorrow . It is always most helpful when you find out that the feelings you are feeling arent just experienced by you alone but that others know exactly what you are going through.

#273087 - 01/29/09 12:48 PM Re: Please help! [Re: lovehimso]
fromtoday Offline

Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi lovehimso,
Welcome to the site, you may get more of a response if you put you request as a topic as then all will see.
I have a great deal of resentment towards my husbands family, they are unaware, we think, of my husbands abuse, and I find it difficult to deal with a times.
I'm often resentful, even towards my husband, because of his reluctance to deal with things for such a long period of time.
For years we've both been hurting in a big way and to some extent thats affected our children too, and relationships outside our family unit, how could you not feel resentful.
I'm furious at my husbands perp, not only for comitting the most evil offences against a little boy, but I also feel as though he's hurt me personally as well, and consequently our children, he's dead, but I think I suffer from the same fantasies as my husband does if I could get my hands on him.
When you speak to your therapist be totally honest about how you are feeling, if you are off balance it's their job to bring you back in line, but for sure partners of CSA survivors have suffered an injustice too, it's just making sure that you lay the blame at the right feet.
Good luck.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

#273151 - 01/29/09 08:54 PM Re: Please help! [Re: fromtoday]
sadwife11 Offline

Registered: 01/09/09
Posts: 9
Hello all,

Just wanting to drop in to bring you up to date on my topic. My H and I are trying hard to figure things out...My H describes the internet thing as a "compulsive addiction" that surfaces every few months. and he does feel conflicted about why he finds male sex acts a turn on but assures me he has not acted on it that it was only email fantasy...He emphatically declared that he would never have risked us/my health and would never violate our marriage vows. We have sought out therapy together and that has been cathartic for me to have a safe place to talk to him about my concerns, feelings of betrayal, etc...the therapist seems qualified and my H will be pursuing his own private therapy as well...We feel there may be underlying issues here that need dealing with and I want him to be able to do what he needs and know I will be there if he wants and not there if that is more what he needs. He should feel safe with this guy, I will only be involved with his solo T if he chooses to bring me in. I am reserved about our future but I will not rush into separating...we are trying, he is trying hard to be available for me regarding our intimacy issues...I do fear there is something else there preventing him being truly who he could be with me. I hope time and T will help. If it's sexual orientation/past abuse, I can ONLY hope therapy can help... I know I may never know for sure. I can't pretend my trust isn't shaken and he knows that and wants me to keep an open mind...he wants to do anything and all to keep our life together...Thanks again so much for the insights in your all have lent me such an important perspective...thank you so much.

#273163 - 01/29/09 09:45 PM Re: Please help! [Re: sadwife11]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Great to hear from you and thanks so much for the update. Recovery from CSA, and especialy for men, takes a lot of time - it's often a start and restart process at the beginning but it sounds like the two of you are now on the right track.

I don't know whether you have seen the October 2008 issue of O Magazine, so I provided the following link. The article pertains directly to heterosexual couples dealing with male CSA and I'm sure you would gain valuable insights here that will help you along.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you're getting along, and of course if you have any questions, well..........

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#273178 - 01/29/09 11:30 PM Re: Please help! [Re: joelRT]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
Hey sadwife,

Glad to hear things are moving in the right direction. Hope you keep in touch.


Thanks for the Oprah link, I think I'll send it on to others.


#273203 - 01/30/09 02:59 AM Re: Please help! [Re: Kathryn]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


I like the line in the Oprah article -- "allergic to relationships" -- yep.

I'm tired of being allergic.


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