It's a brave thing you've done here. It's important to own our feelings, whatever they may be. That's where our recovery has to start, and if we can't be honest with ourselves, how are we to make progress?
And you're certainly not alone in missing the abuser and having feelings for him. That often happens, and those feelings can remain even when we begin to realize how terribly wrong the abuse was. I remember when the man who abused me was caught and sent packing, I was soon feeling a terrible sense of loss. I wondered what was wrong with me that he didn't want me anymore. Was I that stupid? That ugly? That undesirable? I felt abandoned and rejected. I was 14.
But eventually, Chris, you will see the real tragedy here. Billy could have been a cool mentor, a true big brother, someone you could have looked up to and been safe with. Unfortunately, he chose otherwise. But that wasn't your fault, just as none of the rest of it was your fault.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)