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#269937 - 01/05/09 03:17 PM Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it?
nonchalant Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
After a year of constant debate over my sexuality, i am now virtually certain that i am bisexual. A lot of people have told me how bisexuality is a gift and gives you the ability to judge people on their inner selves instead of whether they have a penis or a vagina, but to me it is almost like a scizophrenia of the mind. It is like i have 2 personalities and i just do not know how to live a normal life

I constantly debate over what way i should live my life. Should i repress my homosexual side and live solely as heterosexual? Should i repress my hetero side and live as a gay man? How can i have relationships when i might begin to crave the other sex and really hurt my partner? I feel like a complete misfit who isn't straight enough to be straight but isn't gay enough to be gay. I also have the usual "what if bisexual doesn't exist and i'm actually gay?" thoughts quite frequently, but i know i am attracted to women in a much more substantial way than just finding them aesthetically attractive or whatever

So to any bisexuals reading this, how did you learn to cope and integrate it into your life? It seems virtually impossible for me. I have been in a heterosexual relationship for a year and love her incredibly, so i have no wish to end this relationship

Edited by nonchalant (01/05/09 03:18 PM)

#269941 - 01/05/09 04:15 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nonchalant]
Juni Offline

Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Hi nonchalant,

I have battled this question for years and I know I am bisexual. However, I choose to live as a heterosexual because I met someone who is incredible and I love.

Because we have an affinity for both sexes it is not unusual to be torn between the two, but it is no different than a heterosexual who will be attracted to someone else he meets, we just have attractions to both sexes.

It boils down to choice. We make a choice and stick with it. It does not matter if you are gay, bi, or hetero, we have the potential to be faithful or not. Just because we are bi does not mean it gives us the right to be unfaithful. Remember life is about relationships and if we care about someone we guard that relationship and honor it by being faithful, the same as everyone else.

We can and will forever play the “what if” game, but if we are true to our partners and ourselves our life will be a bit easier. If our partners know we are bisexual then they will know how to please us and what to guard against. My wife knows and thus makes an effort to please me that "special way," she also knows not to trust a man or woman that may seem overly interested in me. I can be strong but have my weak moments so this has helped me and I know she loves me when she helps me to be strong.

It was not easy to come out to my wife. It happened a bit at a time as I asked her to make some adjustments in our sexual activity. It was well worth it. Otherwise you can just imagine the havoc it would cause if I was caught acting out on my impulses.

I hope some of this helps.


Edited by Juni (01/05/09 04:19 PM)
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

#270170 - 01/07/09 03:42 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Juni]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Thanks Juni, that helped me too. I understand Nonchalant's point. Sometimes I read things from bisexuals, and they make bisexuality sound like the best thing ever, the bee's knees: Men offer certain pleasures, women offer certain pleasures: Why go through life with one hand tied behind your back?

Unfortunately, that has not been my experience. For example, I'm strongly attracted to a woman in my office. Some days we're so close. It feels almost magical. Some days, I resent her. I feel like I can't be with her, so what's the point of even talking to her. I'm angry because she has a boyfriend, and I wonder if she's only flirting with me because she likes to tease me. I'm angry at myself, because I'm making her think I like her, when I don't believe it will work. She notices. Yesterday, she slapped me on the back of the head and yelled at me for avoiding her.

Bisexuality has provided me far more torment than happiness. When I'm talking to a man, I wish I were talking to a woman. When I'm talking to woman, I have no faith that a relationship would be successful.

I also question the enthusiasm of some bisexuals. I met one at a bar who proudly extolled the virtues of bisexuality. However, he looked and sounded like a complete sleaze. He belonged to a social group for people who don't believe in monogamy. I met two other "proud" bisexuals, and both were drug addicts.

But you make your marriage sound like any other. There are obstacles, but you overcome them together. You adjust. You accept each other. You know it's important to be faithful. Thanks for giving me some hope. Of course, I named myself after a David Bowie song (The Bewlay Brothers) so I always knew there were a few cool bisexuals out there.

#270309 - 01/08/09 02:51 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Bewlayb1]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

The problem is if your not into polymory and desire to be with someone in a commited relationship it can get complicated fast.For instance, when should the tweener topic come up?

I am told that CSA does not effect your sexual orientation,i.e changing you from being straight to gay and vice versa. I might buy into that...but am not at all firmly convinced that it doesn't somehow throw you into "the middle of altered states".Obviously I cannot prove how I feel,because my sexuality has been short circuited from normal development.

HOW does one integrate or cope? My answer is going to be Honest,Open and Willing...(which is my answer to almost anything).

Can you see, The Real Me? (Wasp)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#271761 - 01/18/09 03:20 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Bewlayb1]
nevragan Offline

Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I understand where you are coming from. I have a strong attraction to women but haven't figured out what to do with them when they get close enough. I feel like a dog that got a new bone and has no idea what to do with it. I have had women flirt with me and have been completely oblivious to what was going on. Sometimes I'll be aware it is happening but don't have a clue as to what to do at that point. I have also had guys flirt but have had that red flag go up immediately like this is not going to work. It's confusing to me. I feel like I was meant for the third sex that doesn't exist. Women are confusing to me and men seem to be out of the question as to anything happening. It's really frustrating to see other people enjoying a relationship together and feeling like your on a different level. If this makes no sense to anyone, now you have an idea how I feel. I would like to believe I will find someone but the other part of me wants to run away, stay single and not even think about it. I know being raped had an effect on being close or trying to be close to people. For now, I'll just put it on the back burner again.

#271806 - 01/18/09 05:49 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nevragan]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
Hey guys,

I have felt mant aspects of sexuality over the last year or so and I truly understand why there is no black and white here. I was with a woman on Friday and felt extremely attracted to her, I have been for awhile and even dated her for awhile. I have had realtions with this woman before and that night we did also. It seems that whenever I do act on my sexual feelings for this girl shortly after maybe 1 to 3 days I get the feeling that I should create distance between us. I have been friends with her for some time and on so many occasions I have felt the need for more between us but when I do act I feel overwhelmed with emotion the days after and I begin to question my sexuality all over again.

The feeling I get is exactly what Bewlayb1 explained, like it won't work so I must end it quickly and go back to doing nothing. It feels as though I am bound to being a witness to my own feelings.

I like this girl alot and I want things to work but at the same time I don't want to live with a feeling of dread hanging over me. Taking action and following my feelings leads to confusion in this area. I can so identify with what has been said her.

I am the warrior.

#271838 - 01/18/09 10:54 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: Letourski]
nathan555 Offline

Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
personally bi just explains my confused feelings
I don't want to go there
but find it describes the pulls on my emotions

I am struggling to deal with it

my understanding is

it was attractive to compatmentalise my hetro side and my dark side
but that failed as the dark side just spilt all over everything

I believe I was created for hetro sex

but messed up by abuse and its insane and evil triggers

that take me where I do not want to go

to places I am drawn buy denied in the past it was gay sexual desire

and which I regret

but still struggling with it

as my sexuality is raw from sa

so I don't enjoy any sex

I am just too raw

too much conflict between pain and pleasure

both triggered at once

Nathan 5

5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

#276083 - 02/19/09 10:02 PM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: nathan555]
siranthonysghost Offline

Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Hawaii
Haven't posted in a while, but this particular thread was one that really poked me in the ribs so to speak. I have wrestled with the my sexual identity for the better part of a decade and I have only just recently been able to accept the fact that I am sexually attracted to both sexes.

I spent a lot of time acting out and trying to recreate my SA from when I was a child (which was always with older males) So for the longest time I thought the feelings I had were a result of the abuse. each time I would act out would be both comforting and familiar as well as triggering painful memories and causing me to sink deeper into that black pit of shame and self hatred. Any feelings I ever had towards other men as I grew up were things I feared and tried to reject. I sometimes felt that I had to force myself into heterosexual relationships and make them work just so I could prove to myself that I wasn't "a gay".

A few months back my T asked me to practice accepting myself completely. I told him I didn't think that was possible because there were aspects of my sexuality that I didn't think were healthy, specifically the sexual attraction I had for men I felt was a byproduct of my SA. And I concede that they still might be, but there is not much I can do about it now but take back my sexual identity and learn to love it for what it is. I guess this way it takes the hurtful power away from the abuse and allows me to enjoy who I am.

I agree 100% with what Juni said about it boiling down to choice. I am married to the most incredible woman I have ever met, she is my best friend and we are building a more deep and meaningful relationship now that I have been seeking help for my SA issues. I think the "Aha!" moment for me was when I could finally admit to myself that I could probably have a deep, meaningful and happy relationship with another man as well. this was something that always both exhilarated and terrified me.

I think I was always more afraid of pursuing a same sex relation ship more because of the negative social stigmas that are attached to it (my family is very religious and would have a hard time accepting it). My wife and I had a serious talk a while back about whether or not I would be happier in a same sex relationship. I had to give it some brutally honest thought and after carefully examining my feelings I knew that my relationship with her would bring me the most happiness in life. We chose to stay together and work things out. I can honestly say that without taking the time to ask myself the 'hard questions' we would never be able to progress together, it would always be the unanswered question that was hanging in the air.

So how to deal with it? I think we each have to find our own way of finding the joy in our sexuality and taking it back for ourselves. Our SA experiences have robbed us of that and I think it's high time we take it back for ourselves. If you are bi-sexual, then celebrate it! Do the same if you are homosexual or heterosexual. Sexuality is a wonderful gift, and since I have discovered my identity and learned to accept it, and eventually love it I have never felt so free and happy. Isn't that the ultimate "revenge" we can reap on our perps? I almost feel like I am saying to both of them
"You may have caused me to doubt myself, you may have caused me pain and agony and caused me to be ashamed of myself, but no more! I am going to accept myself for who I am today, regardless of what made me that way and be happy! so fuck you! :)"

Sorry this is long, this has been a gigantic step in my road to healing. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone or not, but i needed to get it out I guess. thanks.

#276156 - 02/20/09 03:21 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: siranthonysghost]
brother2none Offline

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 269
Loc: Undisclosed
It was helpful to me, I am struggling with the same circumstances.

One huge plus for me was when I accepted myself for who I am, part of that was sifting through what is me and what was put on me by others, and what I put on myself wrongly.

I still struggle deeply with the complicity issues of being abused.

So + 1 for me also, for what siranthonysghost has said above.

#276175 - 02/20/09 06:34 AM Re: Question for Bisexuals: how do you deal with it? [Re: brother2none]
siranthonysghost Offline

Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Hawaii
To go one step further, I decided I was spending too much time thinking about the "what if's" of the past. "what if I had done more to stop it?" "what if I had spoken up?". the what if's would keep me up at night. Learning to let go of them is extremely difficult. But what has happened has happened and can never be changed. I have had to shift my energy from constantly going over the "what if's" and focus on the "what now's"

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