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#26991 - 04/22/02 04:12 PM RETREAT – on returning - day one
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
RETREAT – on returning - day one

This a letter to a brother from the NOMSV retreat which ended yesterday. But I post it because it is for all of us who shared our truth.

Now we are back, and it is even harder to face - now that we are not enveloped by the energy of men being vulnerable and speaking their truth. The pain of facing my own demons in the setting I have created to insulate me from myself is the most difficult. I will not let this continue to be me. I have had a glimpse of my child dancing freely and it was the first time he had been free to do that in 50 years.

I now see that I am such a control freak. Your words about being a perp to yourself come back to me - my encouraging words limp in the face of the terror of protection with which I have surrounded myself - how scared I am - how imperative this deadly routine of deadening my self to serve my child's need to feel safe -

Damn it! Damn this pain! Damn this invasion of my life! I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO THIS CONTINUED TYRANNY OF MY FUCKING MOTHER!!! I will force this change and I will allow this change

I will (what is that Elk quote at the end?) I know the sense of it - that my strength as a man is in my ability to outrun the mountain lion by my steady determination to survive - and I know it is the part of being a man I am most afraid of - afraid of having that strength for myself - (instead of for others)

I will take the truth of this weekend and measure it out each day - and I will speak that truth if only to hear the words of truth - no longer as taunts to myself but as an affirmation that my child and I are here together and WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Thank you my brother.

Tom & Tommy
(yes, that is my real name)

"..this place isn't a discussion's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

#26992 - 04/22/02 06:15 PM Re: RETREAT – on returning - day one
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

Home from the retreat after taking the redeye across country. I cannot express how glad to see your name here on the board. The courage you showed there (at the retreat)is continuing. Thank your for continuing to share youself. I will write more later but am exhausted right now.

it was a weekend of such growth for me and your presence contributed to that. Thank you again.


Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#26993 - 04/22/02 09:45 PM Re: RETREAT – on returning - day one
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Very powerful stuff, I know how I felt after my retreat. Glad both of you were able to go.
Hope to here from more men. I will be at Mike Lews retreat in July.

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat


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