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#282300 - 04/05/09 11:21 AM Re: He says he's not gay [Re: bax05]
Nate Offline

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 100
Loc: USA
i'm sorry you're being dragged through this. it sounds like he's going through sexual confusion which is a part of almost any sexual abuse. he may not be gay. he might. only he can know, therapy is vital for him. i hope he can also find fellow survivors to share and seek counsel.

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

#283084 - 04/10/09 02:51 PM Re: He says he's not gay [Re: bax05]
Coriander Offline

Registered: 04/10/09
Posts: 4
Originally Posted By: bax05
Anger, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, irrational thinking. I figured it all stemmed from how he was raised. How hard his Dad was on him to be perfect and the drug abuse that most of his family has done. Well, now I don't know what to do. Or if I want to do anything. A month ago, I busted him looking for a man online. Says he's not gay, swears he didn't do anything. He started seeing a counselor for this and for his drinking. The drinking didn't slow down and I found out a couple weeks later that he did do something physically. We haven't done anything for months, so I promise to stand by him (with an STD Test and his promise to not do it again). Two days after that, I find that he's placed another ad online looking for another man. He still claims he's not gay, that he feels really confused. ... Any thoughts? Advice? Or am I just a complete moron?

I'm new here too, but I wanted to give you a bit of encouragement. My DH is a CSA survivor as well - only he's just now beginning to remember the very earliest incident. He remembers one when he was 11, but there is more ... sadly, there is more. cry

It sounds as though your H has used drinking as his own form of "pain medication" to not have to deal with the intense pain his CSA and upbringing brought him - much as my DH used his porn addiction and occasional acting out as his medication.

This is my field of research (professionally & educationally) as well as my existence. My husband has struggled with an unwanted SGA (same gendered attraction) for most of his life - he doesn't want to live a gay lifestyle (incongruent with our lifestyle & faith), but has fought this. It is possible to "not be gay" and still have a SGA - 'being gay' tends to be a lifestyle-adoption as well as an orientation. Some of the statistics I've read suggest that 40% of married men deal with an unwanted SGA - which is a pretty high number.

If your H wants to investigate this confusion more deeply, he can find those who will "help" him - there's a subculture within the gay community that finds victory of sorts in bringing down otherwise straight married men with a gay encounter. If your H doesn't want to be gay or experience this in a full on m2m encounter, there are places to find help in that as well - but most of what we've discovered is online, not IRL.

There's also help for you, Bax. There are networks of Str8 Spouses and email lists that can give you a safe place to ask questions, vent, and find information - for your own peace of mind.

Not every man who is a CSA survivor will exhibit SGA tendencies or have this confusion, but I've seen it often. Sexual abuse seems to often lead to sexual problems - be it addiction, confusion, or other things. It's something I wish no one had to deal with or go through, and yet due to the wicked choices some people make, others are victimized.

I hope this is helpful to you.

His and his,


My Heart | His Heart ~ one wife's journey through her husband's sexual addiction to wholeness & healing

#283089 - 04/10/09 03:34 PM Re: He says he's not gay [Re: Coriander]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Welcome to MS - so glad to have here, it's great to have another gal on board in the Familly & Friends Forum.

If I may, what you refer to SGA, we commonly refer here to as SSA (same sex attraction)

I found your post insightfull, informative and on point. I do hope you'll stick around smile

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#283094 - 04/10/09 04:29 PM Re: He says he's not gay [Re: Coriander]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi cori, and welcome to the website. there are many here who are struggling with same sex attractions, both 'gay' and 'str8'. i am glad for you both to have found a formula for integrating the unbalance between the intra and interpersonal dimensions of your relationship allowing you and your partner to experience and share a more present-based reality.

it is a struggle indeed to come to terms with the those unconscious and implicit messages that drive the determinations to self-define at any given moment. even more challenging for couples i imagine.

the major portion of my recovery has been dedicated to debunking the myths i had come to import from moment to moment as being axiomatic to my own self truth.

ever and always a work in progress.....

all the best,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

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