Anger, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, irrational thinking. I figured it all stemmed from how he was raised. How hard his Dad was on him to be perfect and the drug abuse that most of his family has done. Well, now I don't know what to do. Or if I want to do anything. A month ago, I busted him looking for a man online. Says he's not gay, swears he didn't do anything. He started seeing a counselor for this and for his drinking. The drinking didn't slow down and I found out a couple weeks later that he did do something physically. We haven't done anything for months, so I promise to stand by him (with an STD Test and his promise to not do it again). Two days after that, I find that he's placed another ad online looking for another man. He still claims he's not gay, that he feels really confused. ... Any thoughts? Advice? Or am I just a complete moron?
I'm new here too, but I wanted to give you a bit of encouragement. My DH is a CSA survivor as well - only he's just now beginning to remember the very earliest incident. He remembers one when he was 11, but there is more ... sadly, there is more.
It sounds as though your H has used drinking as his own form of "pain medication" to not have to deal with the intense pain his CSA and upbringing brought him - much as my DH used his porn addiction and occasional acting out as his medication.
This is my field of research (professionally & educationally) as well as my existence. My husband has struggled with an unwanted SGA (same gendered attraction) for most of his life - he doesn't want to live a gay lifestyle (incongruent with our lifestyle & faith), but has fought this. It is possible to "not be gay" and still have a SGA - 'being gay' tends to be a lifestyle-adoption as well as an orientation. Some of the statistics I've read suggest that 40% of married men deal with an unwanted SGA - which is a pretty high number.
If your H wants to investigate this confusion more deeply, he can find those who will "help" him - there's a subculture within the gay community that finds victory of sorts in bringing down otherwise straight married men with a gay encounter. If your H doesn't want to be gay or experience this in a full on m2m encounter, there are places to find help in that as well - but most of what we've discovered is online, not IRL.
There's also help for you, Bax. There are networks of Str8 Spouses and email lists that can give you a safe place to ask questions, vent, and find information - for your own peace of mind.
Not every man who is a CSA survivor will exhibit SGA tendencies or have this confusion, but I've seen it often. Sexual abuse seems to often lead to sexual problems - be it addiction, confusion, or other things. It's something I wish no one had to deal with or go through, and yet due to the wicked choices some people make, others are victimized.
I hope this is helpful to you.