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#269411 - 12/30/08 11:04 PM Re: help w/ behavior, questions *warning, graphic* [Re: AndyS87]
TSC Offline

Registered: 12/29/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Pacific Northwest
A, the struggle with gay pornography when you are not gay, or not primarily attracted to men, is so difficult. It comforts me to hear someone else being able to relate it to my/our use of it to be in control of the sexual experiences that we were not in control of, even if they fascinated us on some level. Through porn I am able to give consent to something the second time around that I was not able to give consent to the first time around (I had a lot of 'firsts' right before puberty, too, which really served as a less than stellar introduction to human sexuality and masculinity.) Also, in watching gay porn I get to witness a man being confident and at ease with his sexual self - or at least that is how it is being represented to me. Something I found myself really wanting for the past many years is the confidence to be a sexual being and to not be afraid of it - to not be ashamed of my body, my genitals, my sexuality, etc. A porn star is, regardless of what they are actually feeling inside, amazingly brazen with their bodies (much like my perp., and so unlike me.) I think I continue to idolize that about my perp. and porn actors, and I think that more than wanting the porn I want what it represents to me. I think my actual involvement with gay porn has less to do with wanting those men than wanting to be *like* those men who represent to me that archetypal alpha male. I am able to get some of this from straight porn, too, but there the focus tends to be on the woman, so that it feels disruptive to my primary goal.

My primary goal is to become more confident and comfortable with myself, both sexually and as a male. CSA and religious/cultural stigma has made that very difficult, so it's no wonder that I (we) took it underground and went online where I could try and meet my deep longings privately and without disconnect and the shame of failure/rejection I felt whenever I was around other males as a teenager/young adult. I don't blame myself as much anymore for looking at pornography, but I'm starting to recognize that it's counterproductive. It satisfies something for a moment, and I can't help that it does, but it never really *gets* me anywhere. This is helping me to examine the cycle and try to end it. A certain measure of acceptance of the realities of my life helps. But I think first the anger and the frustration is a necessary part of the process. You're farther along this process than I was at 21, and I really admire your courage to discuss this.

#269467 - 12/31/08 03:40 PM Re: help w/ behavior, questions *warning, graphic* [Re: AndyS87]
wifetryingtoheal Offline

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 12

I am new to this site and haven't had a chance to put our full story out there in the partner/family forums yet, but do plan to as well as my husband does also. I am a wife of a male survivor. About a year ago, our world hit the fan. I became aware of an affair my husband was having and was devastated. Prior to that day I would have described my husband as the best husband...very loving, giving, great dad, affectionate, name it. Then I learned shockingly that there had not been one affair but numerous and soon realized that my husband had been struggling with a lot secretly in his own head. Outwardly he was a loving family man, hard working police sergeant in our small town and well respected officer who trained other officers at the state academy, 10 years in the army and so forth. But what he struggled with privately were hellish thoughts for him. He had repressed memories of a violent rape by an older teenage boy when he was 11 and a few years later a molestation by a degrading and promiscuous woman who was more than twice his age. A few years after that he met a girl in high school who was promiscuous and married her. She wanted degrading sex in which she wanted to role play rape or didn't enjoy it. He later divorced her when he met a woman in the service who again was promiscuous and later he realized she had been molested throughout her childhood. He experienced other emotional and physical abuses within his family which was a family secret until this all came out last year as well as within two months of his rape his older brother was killed in a car accident to which he recieved very little support. In a nutshell...many traumas. He grew into a man that was socialized to stuff his feelings, suck it up and be a "man". But he also was dealing with very confusing thoughts of men throughout his life to which he was tortured by. What he explains now is that back to when he was younger he had an affair on his first wife in which a promiscuous friend of hers came on to him and he had no respect for her and found himself fantasizing about sex with a man while having sex with her which seemed to be a release for him. Then after his second marriage it consumed him more and more as he felt like that much more of a failure after two divorces and with children involved that he didn't feel like much of a dad to. He began hitting the bars to meet the women that he describes as a certain type of woman that was equally wounded, no self respect for herself, would easily go along with degrading sexual suggestions of role playing rape or more often he just wanted them to act passed out. They were heavy smokers, drinkers, and made it clear they would have sex. That was the type of woman but he also fantasized about men while having sex with them. He feels he chose them because they reminded him of what he now remembered about the woman who molested him and he achieved a different kind of feeling when he was with them as he didn't care if he was with someone like them when he was actually fantasizing about a man and later he said he fantasized more about younger boys just like the 16 year old that raped him. We both got into counseling right away when this all came out. It was difficult for him also to put so many shameful truths out there. It takes a lot of courage to do so. I am a sexual abuse advocate as well as in school working on my masters in mental health counseling. I can understand how your mom struggles with being a counselor and understanding from that frame of reference but also being a family member and being so close to the experience. My husband describes how he sought out a certain type of woman wiht no emotions probably due to feeling a need to act out on a similar type of woman to the one that molested him and that he would have felt very guilty doing so with a woman he respected, he describes fantasizing in a way about men that were identical to what the boy did to him...befriended him all day and then raped him violently not just once but twice in which the second time he feels he was knocked out somehow as he doesn't remember much of the second incident and came to with a sore head and a bloody nose. He describes never wanting to actually act out with a man although he came close and so he found fantasizing while with women who would act passed out or would role play rape with him met his needs. He saw himself as a monster for these thoughts and took solace in being in law enforcement and protecting others. He feels heterosexual and always did but beat himself up with the thoughts of men. He contemplated suicide more than once, but couldn't stand the thought of one of his affairs coming to his funeral and me finding that out that way plus he wanted his "normal life" very badly. It has been a process with him through our counseling (individual and marital), telling his story to others as a way of healing, and very recently he went very public telling this to a local paper workign with the local sexual abuse resource center as a way to bring awareness to male survivor issues. He will tell you today that he doesn't know what is worse...knowing what happened to him as a child, or the years of struggling with the thougths of men and acting out with degrading women.
One final thought is that he describes meeting me and feelign the thoughts would all go away as I wasn't an injured woman, he felt true love and strong attraction towards me, and received unconditional love and affection in return and he thought our relationship had driven the thoughts away and he went into a depression and despair when he realized the thougths of men had creeped back after awhile. And to think he thought all of this in his own head and no one else had a clue. That part kills me...I saw glimpses of tension, being tired, or what seemed like lots of stress but he and I always attributed it to the stress of our jobs...both being in crisis type work. There would be nights when I would have the crisis line for our 5 county area and respond to a woman who had been raped and was in an emergency room somewhere and laying next to me when I got the call was my own husband who was completely compartmentalizing and trying to survive from his own sexual abuse and didn't even know it. It's really difficult stuff to deal with. Trust is really difficult for me as a wife. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of it, take care of myself, our kids,and waffle between wanting to be a loving and supportive wife and also have all my doubts and fears to work through. I have complete empathy as well as a passion to work with male survivors in the future as a counselor as it is definitely a much needed topic for society to understand and have awareness of, most people don't have a clue to the unique struggles that male survivors deal with and much of it seems to be due to the demands of male socialization that we place on men and then you are all dealing with this pain and confusion in private. I hope you do continue to be willing to be open with your pain and confusion as a way to work through it and not stuff it. I have seen first hand the pain that comes from feeling the need to stuff such painful feelings and thoughts. I also hope you are able to find people in your life who you do feel safe in opening up to that can care enough to support you. I hope I didn't ramble too much. We had sought out help over a year ago and did not find much help online for support except for a sex addiction site which really led us astray and wasn't what we needed. We are now connected with great counselors for each of us and as a couple. I decided to go back online and just search for what was out there for male survivors and their partners and was very glad to come upon this site as one thing we are still really needing is connection to others who are experiencing the same thing as we have looked in a couple hundred mile radius of our home and have only found sex addiction groups. Hearing your story and others as survivors and family members of survivors has already been very helpful just in one day. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your struggles and triumphs as a person and a survivor.

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