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#268318 - 12/22/08 09:27 PM ...
St3v3n Offline

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102

#268323 - 12/22/08 10:24 PM Re: Traumatic feelings (Trigger!!) [Re: St3v3n]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

Good thread

I think that you are right on your view on how we connect our mascuinity to the behavior of perpetrators.
I don't only struggle with this in respects to my sexuality with my wife. But even being able to set proper boundaries with her in our everyday lives. That some how because I am male I must submit my needs and wants to hers. That she is all important and I am nothing. So I end up going about fulfilling my needs and wants in a secertive matter. Because I feel that is all I deserve or am capable of asking for (which is really closer to the truth).
That some how just being a male is bad or wrong. Even being male and having male behaviors, needs, and desires equals being a perpetrator. So I reject my mascuinity which leaves me neutered in my relationships to people. Especially women.
No wonder I have been so passive in my life.

Thank You.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#268325 - 12/22/08 11:47 PM Re: Traumatic feelings (Trigger!!) [Re: St3v3n]
ttoon Offline

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 977
Originally Posted By: St3v3n

So my question for you guys is, is this still considered a normal reaction to an abnormal situation? Are my feelings of diminished masculinity the product of my own fear because I somehow (in my mind) connect masculinity to perpetrator behaviour and am I therefore scared to be masculine myself? To avoid possible misunderstanding, I am not talking about sexual orientation here.


What an excellent thread smile

First of all...some of the best sex I've ever had has been when I have just literally laid back and let happen what may. If we define masculine as the aggressor...jeeeez, how confining that is, especially when it comes to sex, uh?

If, what you mean is..."Are my feelings of diminished control the product of my own fear because I somehow (in my mind) connect control to perpetrator behaviour and am I therefore scared to be [in] control myself?" I can certainly identify with that.

Sorry, Stephan...don't mean to "assume" that is what you are saying. Let's assume though, that it fits for me. Because it most certainly did. It is exactly what I use to do. But, let's take it and break it down a little further. Change the word "fear" to anger. " Are my feelings of diminished control the product of my own anger because I somehow (in my mind) connect control to perpetrator behaviour and am I therefore scared to be [in] control myself?"

It says, I am angry because the perpetrator had control over me and I do not want to be a perpetrator. Which, is my interpretation and, I am not trying to steal your thread...I hear what you are saying and honor it completely.

Let's just make a whole lot of assumptions here since I am takin over (sorry) grin. Let's assume that anger is a tool that helps us define and maintain healthy boundaries. Let's also assume that we were not in a position to be able to express the anger because of the circumstances. So...the anger is there...we can numb it, minimize it, deny it but, it is is going to manifest itself somehow.

Distortions of anger might look and sound like sarcasm...that is an obvious one, uh? How about the distortions that are not quite as obvious? Feeling helpless, feeling about addiction? Oh, and a personal favorite distortion of anger...rage.

Now, put it all together in an act that is, by design, out of control. Sex is out of control. That is why it is so cool, isn't it? Take me to the edge and drop me off, I do not care. Statistically, what most men think about during sex is...doing it again. Let's throw in the distortions as we are triggered by this out of control act...rage, becomes agression, helpless becomes submissive...hmmm....maybe? Hmmm...but I am still going to vote for laying back and let happen what may every once in a while, okay? That's me.

Regardless, Stephan...I think what you are feeling does make sense in the context of our experiences. What do you think?



checkin out for a few weeks... whistle

#268423 - 12/23/08 02:51 PM ... [Re: ttoon]
St3v3n Offline

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102

#268449 - 12/23/08 07:13 PM Re: Traumatic feelings (Trigger!!) [Re: St3v3n]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

It is hard to experience feelings, that were, as if thrown in a blender. Personally one of the biggest challenges, I (perhaps we)
face while going through this thing. How am I to sort this stuff out again. Beyond confusion, how do you isolated these different feelings. Can you name it...???...???...???

I really fear my anger, I believe I have a long fuse, but if I get to the end I fear what I am capable of unleashing.

(Somehow I connect anger with masculinity (probably because) my dad was a massive RAGER).

So for me I have to be very carefull not only about blowing my top, but that it also doesn't come out sideways. So true, ALWAYS manifesting itself somehow,perhaps devious and self centered and it will pass before I notice if I am not carefull. I need to pay close attention to my motives of self justification, if I get to this point.

For me, these emotions described, go way beyond my sexuality or sexual orientation for sure.

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense as I am still trying to figure this stuff out for myself, so thank you for listening.


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#268455 - 12/23/08 07:52 PM ... [Re: 1islandboy]
St3v3n Offline

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102


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