I am free at last. I am on my own. Did I say "free"? As all this abuse had taken it's toll on this young boy. no self-esteem, no emotional upbringing, no social skills learned on how to relate to others and not knowing what love meant or is.
Well I am now in the US Air Force, I am exactly 17 years old, and left "home" and my perpertrators for good. I was sent to San Antonio, Texas for my basic training to learn to be an Airman and a "man".
Now from the years from about 5 years old to my 17th birthday, I never had any kind of contact (interaction) with girls/females. I was mostly in a boys/male world. My military service would continue this practice. As stated earlier I had no emotional or social skills in dealing with the opposite sex, and at times with the male side too. My last sexual encounter was with a male. I was 18 years old, and in the Air Force. I went to visit a step aunt and uncle in North Carolina, whom was working at a hotel, they had a very good friend whom was a known homosexual. I had met him before and was a very nice and polite person. Well I had caught a very bad cold as I had hitch hiked up from South Carolina, where I was stationed. I went to take a nap while my aunt and uncle were out and they had given Ray the keys to their home. Well in comes Ray, I was laying on top of the covers in my drawers, and I heard the door open to the room. I knew that it was Ray, as my aunt and uncle were gone for the day, and no one else had access to the house. He comes over to the bed, takes his clothes off and lays down right next to me. I had tried to pretend that I was asleep. He then starts to feel me up, then he was in my drawers and I was getting a boner (erection/hard on), and I was getting a very warm feeling all over my body. So I "wake" up (I knew what I was getting my self into). We had a hell of a time together, as my perpetrators had never done this before. It was definately different, different sensations, different feelings, and again (sounds famillar), I enjoyed it, I liked it and I wanted more. Well that was a one time affair. After that experience I had started to question my sexuality, just where was I headed? Up to that time I never had anything like that with a girl/female, I was way too shy, too much of a loner, too stuped emotionally, too wet behind the ears and way too immature emotionally and sexually. Now there was no way that this kind of conduct (homosexual) would ever be tolerated in the military. And there was no way that my step aunt and uncle would ever understand what I had done. Therefore it also became my SECRET, buried forever until 1 August 2008. (now as strange as it may seem, the previous sexual abuse still remained buried), why? I sure don't know.
My very first encounter with a female was with some Air Force buddies of mine. We were on a TDY (temporary duty) assignment to Thailand. After we all got settled in and our duty day was over, we started the usual bar hopping, we brought a couple of bottles of whisky with us, and I got the "courage" to run the whorehouses with them. By this time in my life I was a weekend alcoholic, so my "courage" to go into a whorehouse was the alcohol and peer pressure. Peer pressure you ask? Yes, as I never wanted anyone to know that I was afraid of girls/females. I did not want to be suspected of being a "Queer", or labeled as one, because I didn't like girls. Any way I get my girl and I go with her to her room. I just sat on the edge of the bed with a bottle of whisky, and she starts on me, I shake her off, she was confused. I told her that I will pay for her time and she didn't have to do anything with me, Ok. My next encounter was again while TDY (temporary duty), military speak, this time in Panama, and the same thing happened, we ran the bars and whore houses. And I told the girl that she didn't have to do anything to me. In both cases I wouldn't have known what to do anyway. Kinda of stupid isn't it? During all ofthis I was about 23 years old, and still a "cherry boy". I was still excessivly too shy, too much of a loner, and way too sexually/emotionally inmature on what to do. How ever I sure knew how to masturbate myself, stupid isn't it?
My next and my fondest memory of me trying to find someone to love me, to treat me with kindness and accept me for what I was, happened when I was stationed in Germany, I was now about 27 years old. I was set up with a date by a friend of mine's sister in law, who was single and about my age. She had asked ME forthe date actually, wow, just what in the hell do I do now? I had never been on a date before, what am I supposed to do? well a friend of mine had given me some coaching lessons on how to behave and what to do. Ok here we go, I take her out for a dinner. Well I was all flustered, as I sure did not what to do. I pulled out the chair for her to sit on, and after that we just sat there across from each other,staring at each other, she tries to start a conversation, I didnot know how to react, I did not know what to say. I was still a boy, still too wet behind the ears, still too shy and too sexually/emotionally immature. So we finish eating and I take her back home, she then asks ME for another date. Huh? Me? Well I decide to take her up on another date. So again my friend tries to coach me some pointers on what to do and say, how to carry on a conversation and how to act, and just not sit there like a dummy. So again we go out to a restaurant, she tries to start a conversation, well I blurted out some talk, stammering and stuttering, then she asks me to dance. Well now what in the hell do I do now?? I never was close to a girl/female since my main perpertrator had me and that little girl in that telephone booth many years earlier. I told her that I did not know how to dance, she told me no problem she would show me, she would lead. I told her no, sorry. She was very dissapointed, and she was sad. I felt like a piece of worthless crap, here was someone who tried to like me, tried to take a real interest in me, but I just couldn't let her into my world. Therefore I took her home and this time she invited me in for a cup of coffee, I accepted. She then asked ME for another date, and I told her that she would be better off finding another person, as I was excessivally too shy, excessivally too wet behind the ears, tooscared and way too emotionally/sexually immature. She told me that none of that really mattered as she would try and help me out. I (now sadly) told her no. She did not know my SECRET (and neither did I) and I would not let her into my feelings/world. We never saw each other again.
My first real sexual encounter would take this "cherry boy" (up to that time I never had sex with a female) to places sexually that I didn't know existed. I was then about 27-28 years old. This German womans husband had just died, and she was looking for a younger male to takecare ofher.She was old enough to be my "mother". Anyway we start to fool aroud and she knew that I was a "cherry boy". She taught me everything about sex, way beyond my homosexual affair. She taught me how to "please" a female,orally, finger masturbating her and how to penitrate her. She showed me how to arouse a female, and she showed me how a woman can arouse a man, how to orally please a man and the various sexual positions. Wow. All this sexual stuff was way beyond my sexual imagination, I sure did enjoy it.all this lasted for about a year. But there was no EMOTIONAL felings about this encounter from me. None-zero. It was for the pure sexual experience.
Then came someone whom I did become emotionally attached to, he was a boy, he was just like me as a boy (without the sexual abuse)nobody paid any attention to him, his mother was buisy running a schnell inbiss with his stepfather. They just had immigrated to Germany from Communist Poland, she and her son were ethnic Germans (of German parents). The boy ( Georg) was going to a German boarding school about 50 miles away, to learn the German language and customs. He came home to his mother and stepfather on school vacation time and for the school summer vacation time. He had no friends of his age yet in this area, so he hung around the Imbiss, that was my main watering hole in the village where I lived ( I still had to maintain a room in the barracks on base). We played tic-tac-toe together, we really didn't speak the same language, but we understood each other. I had on occassions taken him out to the air base and shown him the aircraft, and had taken him into the Bx and bought him some clothes and toys. As noted above I had an apartment in the village and he decided that he wanted to stay with me, rather than have to hang around the Imbiss, he was 13 years old and stayed with me in my apartment. he then found some other boys his age to pal around with. Now while I was attracted to her son and taking care of him she had became attracted to me. She was already in the process of divorcing his stepfather. He (her still husband) rather kew that something sexually was going on between me and his wife. She was not worried about that, as she had not gotten any sex from him, but she sure was taking care of me. Well they moved away about 80 miles from where we had been together and I was stationed. Well it was around Christmas time and I was sad in loosing them. I then decided to try and find them and bring them back with me. I found them ans they both agreed to live with me, and I would take care of them. Well she gives me more sex that I could ever imagine possible, and as a result I get her pregenant. Meanwhile her divorce becomes final. And I decide to ask her if she wanted to marry me, and we all will be together forever. Ok. So I apply for permission to get married, I was about 32 years old then. (Yes you did have to have your squadron commanders permission to get married (in the Air Force), permision was granted. But before all the background (their background) investigations were completed and the formal permission for the wedding was to take place, along comes a baby boy, born on the 10th of December 1972. On April 18th of 1973 my offical wedding took place. So here I am, still very much of a shy boy, an emotionally dead boy, and not posessing any kind of emotional or social skills, a 33 year old husband and father of 2 boys. In a little less than two years we would be haeding for Oklahoma and another Air Force assignment. Now as I have previously stated I was an alcoholic, and as such I was not giving my oldest boy and kind of emotional support, I was lax in sharing my love with him as his little brother was getting most of my attention. (God I was to him what my "mother" was to me), I was emotioally, mentallykilling him.d it buried very deep into my very soul). He gets a girl friendnd they start living together (he was then 17) and they start to dabble in drugs, he was caught breaking into a disabled automobile, and when the Oklahoma city police search his car they find a marijuana pipe and then arrest him. He wa still a juvenile, the police call me to come and pick him up, I then told them that I'll come and get him in the morning, (I wanted to teach him a leson)., the police told me to get my butt there right now. (here I am his father a raging alcoholic on a "legal" stubstance trying to teach my son a lesson on a "illegal substance" a lesson, God just what have I done to him)? We received orders for Okinawa (Japan), he decided to stay behind in the USA as he was now 18 yrs old. Ok we tell him ( a very bad decision by me) and his mother, younger brother and I head out for Okinawa. It would be a very short few years later that my son would commit suicide. Why? What was there that we couldn't talk about to each other? Why didn't this old SOB ever learn his lessons from his childhood? A million WHY's. The biggest tragedy in my life. Until 30 years later, on August 1 of 2008, when a lost BOY came to the surface and changed my life for ever. Little Peter long buried in the deepest recesses of my mind and soul came to the surface and had me in the depths of depression, I could not stop trembling, I could not stop remembering those sexual abuse things, I was having dreams about them, I was crying into my self, I could not concentrate on anything else, I wanted to be in the dark where nobody could see me. I wanted to forget all over again, rebury that lost boy. I was headed for an emotional/mental breakdown. I was deep into the very depths of my soul, I was dying inside. Finally my long buried SECRET was out. That little BOY inside wanted out, he wanted to be free, no more of trying to ury him in alcohol, no more trying to run away from him, as HE is ME. The time came for help, so we could become one again. I had first told my SECRET to my two (and only) military friends, males, via e-mail, titled a Boy and His SECRET (posted else where. And from them I got understanding, compassion and love. Now that was the easy part, as they cannot see you and you cannot see them. Now even a harder part was to come, first asking for help. Second when I did get help with a military therapist was telling a person (a stranger) face to face my SECRET. How should I begin? I was scared, I was embarrased, I was lonely, I was angry and I was guilty. So I enter his office, sit down and all of a sudden I stumbled the words out to him, I am a VICTIM of child sexual abuse 50+ years after the fact. He listnes to me, he does not judge me, he tells me that he will help me, he tells me that we have to be very frank with each other, I tell him that I have to trust him first, and I will hold nothing back, then I stop and go deep into my very soul again for a second and then tell him that I will trust him. I will work with you. Therefore starts my roller coaster emotional ride towards recovery. But only 3 persons now know about my SECRET. My wife now knows that something very serious is wrong with me, but what? So I tell her short and sweet, I was sexually abused as a young boy. Hmmm no reaction, She goes back to watching TV soap operas. I'll let her sleep on it. Well her birthday is a few days away and i ask her what she wanted, she told me YOU, so I tell her that I'll have to think about it. So the next day she asks me a (in my mind) a stupid question at lunch. So I get pised off, and I ask her do you really want to know, YES. Ok so I get out my printed list of A Boy and His Secret (posted elsewhere) I go down the list in vivid detail, well I detected no reaction, like wow, or I'm sorry, or how horrible, nothing. OK maybe information overload. So she is at the very forefront of my anger when my emotions reach the boiling point, they take me back to hell, into the very depths of my soul. More than once I have told her that I am going to leave her, as I see no emotional support from her. (I am intherapy, we have both been in a session together, and most of my problems are also posted elsewhere in this web site). I told my son of my sexual abuse, and from him I got instant compassion, understanding and love. Now I have been in recovery for just a shade over 5 months. I had stumbled onto this web site, and here I am HOME, I have some of the best REAL Friends/Brothers, whom have bared their very souls to me as I have to them, from them I receive and give compassion, understanding and love, to help me on my way to recovery to become a SURVIVOR, I sure cannot beat those REAL FRIENDS/BROTHERS in healing. Heal well my Brothers/Friends.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.