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#267920 - 12/19/08 05:16 PM how do you see yourself as a sexual person?
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey guys let's take the topic out of the realm of judgment for a moment.

i started a similar thread in 'spirituality and survivors. i was just wondering:

are you interested in expressing your perspective, and share with us your idea of who you are as a sexual being. feel free to elaborate.

again, it's not meant to be a discussion, but rather a statement; not an argument nor an apologetic for or against any one particular orientation.

how do you see yourself as a sexual person????

do tell.......

Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#267946 - 12/19/08 06:51 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: Sans Logos]
nonchalant Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Probably would've been best to wait until other people had replied, as i'm not the most philosophical of people but anyhow:

I see myself as bi-sexual because i have experienced arousal around both men and women, can get off to both men and women, and could have sex with both men and women

However, because of the fact i choose only to have sexual relations with those who i am in relationships with, and i only desire relationships with women, i identify as straight

I also see myself as very passive sexually, which fits with most aspects of my like. Much like i could never take control of a room of workers or a class full of children, i find it difficult to take control of someone sexually. I have a much smaller sexual appetite than most men my age, i would've thought, and it's pretty much at the bottom of my priority list

Edited by nonchalant (12/19/08 07:01 PM)

#267968 - 12/19/08 08:36 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: nonchalant]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
how do I see myself as a sexual person????

Totally inadequate! I'm a guy therefor I am suppose to initiate the sex. The only time I will do that is if I am totally intoxicated. I did get married, but it has not worked out well.

Take care

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#267969 - 12/19/08 08:53 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: lostcowboy]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I identify as straight and acknowledge that there could be a little bit of a gay or bisexual side to that in there, but since I've never had an encounter with another male besides my cousin, and I enjoy my female ones, I identify as straight. As far as sexually, I can't really feel good and enjoy sex unless I know the girl I'm with is enjoying it too. Also, although i definitely have a side to me that likes rough vigourous sex I also love to just slow down and feel close and kinda passionate, let it be about the both of us, not just me.

#267971 - 12/19/08 09:13 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: AndyS87]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK

Edited by steveb121 (12/27/08 04:32 PM)
Edit Reason: deleted

#267977 - 12/19/08 10:19 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: steveb121]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I actually like the idea. We should just say everyone is pansexual. That way people wouldn't ever expect you to have sex with one gender or the other or with someone who used to be one and then switched etc. and so on. You could be whatever you want and nobody would hassle you for it, and I bet it'd get rid of a lot of the confusion people have to deal with. Maybe someday.

SteveB, that actually makes a tremendous amount of sense.

#268017 - 12/20/08 03:17 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: AndyS87]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
I believe my sexual being, would best be described as: a loving straight twisted, rough, tender and androgenous spirit, leaning in a mostly submissive direction. (Orientated in a looking up and mostly out position).

How has my CSA affected this position?

I am not really sure.

(I could probably spend eternity trying to answer this question)...

...But with each passing day, I feel more at peace/serene with where I am at.

I was born a free spirit and will always long to live...WHERE EAGLES DARE...!!! (Statement)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#268023 - 12/20/08 04:25 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: 1islandboy]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
For me, I know that I fantasize about women. I am able to recognize another man for being attractive, though I do not have thoughts of engaging in sexual activities with them. That said, I wouldn't go so far as saying that I know that I am purely straight and that if you questioned me on that that I could say definitively "I know, end of discussion". Though I'd rather not debate that thing and just let things be.

Outside of the situation with a peer (where I was initially violated), all my sexual activities have involved woman or girls. Admittedly some were not healthy, and they do not bring back pleasant memories, but when I really was attracted to the person both physically and emotionally (and the other person felt the same for me) it was a positive experience.

Right now, my attractions are to woman both romantically and physically, though I have trouble letting people in sometimes. I can the sense at times that a woman/girl is interested in me, but I can not usually muster the ability to do anything about it. I am able to flirt lightheartedly, but I don't take any action beyond that. Too much anxiety and other fears going on inside of me.

I am trying to deal with some of the damage I have done in my life (A crazy example, but I busted my 5th metacarpal while drunk about 9 years ago; I have a shortened metacarpal and sometimes stiff joint there that reminds me of my damage I have done. I know, there are worse things people are dealing with, but I have all these little things that remind me of the chaos that I have lived through -- though, that being said I know that others have had it much tougher than me and I really shouldn't complain.) How does that make it harder for me to engage with women? It just reminds me that I wasted my twenties and also a good part of my thirties with this stuff in a destructive way. It is hard to get back in the game. I am dealing for example with the realization I wasted away the years I might have wanted to start a family. Yes, I know I can still do that physically, but I digress. The point is I suppose that at a younger age I might have been able to go out and find girls looking to shag, but I'm a little too old to be thinking too much along those lines these days. Things just changed, and I was too messed up to evolve with all that. I regret not having been able to have romantic relationships in my twenties and earlier thirties; I was too crazy and messed up. Any girl that did get close to me didn't stick around probably because I couldn't let them in. And that was in my early twenties, after that they didn't have interest anymore (and the ones that did I couldn't take notice). I just don't even know how to deal, and imagine getting in a relationship and then I'm constantly stuck on my regrets, my damages and a past I can not change. This does affect things.

Hopefully I can deal with my regrets and find peace with myself and the past. I am interested in women both romantically and sexually, and when I am not self-loathing it is more likely that that kind of relationship will transpire.


Edited by ericc (12/20/08 08:09 AM)
Edit Reason: added some additional info for clarity

#268044 - 12/20/08 08:42 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: ericc]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
For many years following my abusive childhood I tried to avoid sex. I thought that I was straight but I also had gay tendencies. Until my late 20s the only sex that I had was under the influence of drugs or alcohol and my only relationship that lasted more than a couple of weeks was a gay revictimization-type of relationship with a close friend who had also been abused. I hid behind my walls and tried to avoid the subject mostly.

I got married at the age of 31 towards the end of my first attempt at therapy for the wrong reasons. I had known my 1st wife for several years before she broke-up with a friend of mine then threw herself at me. It was a tough experience trying to lower my walls and let her in, while trying to progress in my early recovery. I never told her what I was going through and was then too frightened of the consequences of doing so. I spent a lot of that relationship hiding and trying to put up a false exterior emboldened by lots of alcohol and drugs. She left me 2 & 1/2 years later after she found-out about my CSA and I retreated behind my walls into a deep depression which lasted 7 years. Toward the end of that time I did have a live-in sexual relationship with a Hispanic crack whore in the worst part of town. Our addictions and desire to get abused while tweaked-out of our brains was all that we had in common.

Since recovery I (like Steve) have grown to the point where I have the ability to have choice in my sexual relationships. I have spent the last 6 & 1/2 years in two monogamous heterosexual sexual relationships, the 2nd of which has proceeded to marriage. I found my eventual 2nd wife on, and we have been together since early 2006. We love and care deeply for each other, and we have great hope for our future together unhindered by my past.

Dealing with my fears and shame, coming out of my shell, and recovering or learning and eventually practicing the ability to make my own decisions and choices regarding sexual relationships, has been one of the greatest personal benefits of finding my freedom, and has been of great benefit to my self-esteem and social confidence. My search for freedom was a long and winding road strewn with potholes and so many times I just wanted to give-up. But I finally stuck with it long enough to find my way out. I left my troubles behind, treated my addictions, let-go of my anger and fear, and began to take greater chances in my life. If it wasn't for a lot of help and understanding from a number of caring and supportive people I doubt that I would be here to tell my story.

Alone we can't, together we can.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#268045 - 12/20/08 09:08 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: Trucker51]
jacobtk Offline

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 527
I don't view myself as a sexual person. I'm not a like a child where sex is something completely foreign to me, but I don't desire to have sex. For me, sex is just something I do to please others. I'm not particular about it though, so I suppose I'm bisexual.

Every day I die again, and again Iím reborn/Every day I have to find the courage/To walk out into the street/With arms out/Got a love you canít defeat/Neither down nor out/Thereís nothing you have that I need/I can breathe/Breathe now - U2

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