That was the hardest part of therapy for me. It was easier for me to look at my uncle as this evil, ugly monster that did something to me that I hated from the very beginning. I liked the idea better of me dreading his visits and him being this horrible creature that I tried to stay away from. But if you read the stories of the men here and the emotional roller coasters we go through, you find again and again that that's not how SA always happens. A lot of us here were SA in situations where our bodies reacted or the attention seemed like a good thing. Like you say, they "groom" their victims. I didn't have anybody, my parents were cold, we kids were never good enough for them, and they were always gone. And here was this uncle that showed me attention and played with me. Even though the SA was abuse, it was closeness with another human being, and in my brain there was a form of acceptance going on, like he must like me or he wouldn't do this. At the same time it was, he must not like me or he wouldn't do this. If I could just be a different way maybe he wouldn't do this or would do that. I don't know. And so, as a boy with this pervert being my only "kind" living male role model (gag), and since there was a point before his face changed that it wasn't horrible, I thought I must be like him. But his face did change, and it felt bad, and thus comes the shame and the guilt and the secrecy. Maybe I went into it as a "playmate" or whatever, but I came out of it a rag, used. There is no way a little boy can deal with that kind of emotional conflict and make any sense of it. We were children. Look at any child that age and think. How could you, as a child that age, possibly understand what was happening?
Remember though, dreams are just dreams. The subconscious mind's door swings open without anything standing in its way so we're off on this crazy ride where everything happens and nothing makes sense. Please don't dwell on the details of the dream and drive yourself crazy over it.
But even if that feeling is familiar, and if you've felt that feeling before, that doesn't change anything about who you are. It doesn't matter how much they messed with our thinking, we never wanted to be raped. Ever. Maybe I appreciated the companionship or just someone spending some time with me, but I was a little boy. Never did I ask to be raped. I was set up, and so were you. You are good, better than a lot of people I know. What they did to us does not make us that.
I am so sorry about your dream. I know the feelings you describe all too well. And maybe we know the slimeballs groomed us, but that doesn't lessen the shame and the pain. Like my therapist always says, "I know you know that. But what do you feel?" It's those feelings that are so hard. I am really sorry you're having to go through this.
Talk to me anytime. I'm here for you.
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17