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#267576 - 12/18/08 12:31 AM more rambling
Asmodeus Offline

Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
How is it that thinking about something that hasn't happened in over 10 years can still inflict such strong emotions? I feel sick, paranoid, helpless, disgusted. The list just goes on like that. Every night this time of year I just start shaking when it gets dark and I'm lucky to get to sleep by midnight. The last few days I haven't gotten to sleep until after four. Thinking about the abuse never bothers me any time from January to November. But after Thanksgiving it's like this every year. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

#267646 - 12/18/08 12:10 PM Re: more rambling [Re: Asmodeus]
Danbuff Offline

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Trauma of any kind leaves scars which deeply affect people for a long time. Just look at the members here and the others who seek therapeutic intervention for PTSD. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. People cope by stuffing a traumatic event. Survivors cope by compartmentalizing things and eventually the memories rise to the surface. It seems clear you are being triggered by this season. Did your abuse occur around the fall winter holidays? It sounds like that is the trigger and after they pass you feel a little safer.

I suspect I am correct...but the important matter is how you attempt to cope. I hope you can find a competent therapist and have someone to turn to in your personal life. I am glad you asked the question and are coming here. You can never escape cyclical holidays but you can explore effective ways to get through the present and work toward healing.

I am deeply sorry to read anyone's pain and you have a lot of support here because we listen, read and care about each other. You are not alone and to be honest, I am no fan of the holidays...they represent a lot of pain and chaos after more than 40 years. But the good news is it can get better with work.

I hope this helps!

When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

#267660 - 12/18/08 01:32 PM Re: more rambling [Re: Asmodeus]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
ramble on my good man, ramble on... welcome to your life.

yea, i agree, with time and hard work things do change.

i made a serious commitment to recovery process back in 1985 after my life had become an incredible tangled mess. oh, please don't make me go back there ..... hahahaha! as i look over the chasm separating me now from me then, i can see for sure that the feelings themselves don't totally go away, but you learn to develop a new relationship to your thought and feeling memories over time.

thought and feeling memories want, like holiday decorations, to be brought out in season, and then put back in their boxes and tucked quietly away into the closet where they remain until the next season.

for me, i treat one day like the next. there are no holiday cycles in my life anymore, and the decorations are always up, 365 days a year, in full view so i don't have a chance to forget their meaning.

learning to live that way, outside the box, so to speak, of conventional rhythmic living, was definitely a new way of being for me. adopting rather the 'in the moment' approach to living helped me to break out of patterned living, which was established by the larger systems that determine the cycles in which we 'live and move and have our being': church, school etc. those are some mighty powerful dominating forces to disengage.

for me me me, and me only, i find it easier instead to deal with them a little bit each day, and in their daily familiarity i find the emotional wallop less powerful; their impct more manageable.

it's not so overwhelming then, maybe underwhelming rather.

yea it takes time, lots of time and patience and trust that your own process is leading you in the 'right' direction, and trust also that where you are right now is where you are supposed to be.

wishing you all the best,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC


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