My parents were really lax about what I saw as a child. I guess I should have realized they weren't good parents, but what does a kid know?
I remember seeing "Nightmare on Elm Street" as a boy. To this day, I have periodic nightmares with Freddy Kreuger. I think he came to symbolize the pedophile (my teacher) to my unconscious. I also remember seeing "Zelly and Me" about a little girl living with her grandmother. I don't recall the film that well. I think the little girl was beaten by her grandmother and Isabella Rosellini plays the kind nanny who tries to help her. I saw it on TV while I was being abused and it really freaked me out, though I'm not sure I knew why. Even while the abuse was happening, it still wasn't "real" to me. I kind of lost my grasp on everything.
I barely spoke from eight to eighteen. I didn't remember the abuse during those ten years. I was strangely drawn, as a teenager, to movies involving incest, like "Chinatown," or rape, like "The Accused" and songs about abuse, like "Luka" and "Bad Wisdom" by Suzanne Vega.
I painted a lot. I was talented, but the images were surreal and disturbing, with fractured bodies and faces. I brought a few pieces with me to college which I had done in high school, before I remembered the abuse. During a party, a guy went to my room, saw the paintings and the first thing he said was: "Were you raped?" He then told me he had been assaulted and raped as a child. It still gives chills when I think about it.
All those years, I had been painting about rape, dreaming about pedophiles, unsettled, yet fascinated by movies about abuse, and I had no clue.