Hi to all...

Certainly this step of writing the whole story is not easy work, but I consider it is already time to break the silence and hopefully by writing all the story I'll feel better. I do expect pm's from the ones who want to write back, I am more than open for opinions and thoughts.

To start I was maybe 7 or 8, I don't remeber, I might've been in second grade at elementary school. By that time I was not pretty much the "regular" boy. I did not play any sports and I was always interested in reading so you can tell I was rather a quiet boy, yet a little naive.

For being that naive, I accepted my older cousin's invitation to his house which was empty at the time, I still remember that walk... and I should never have gone. Right there the threat started and he started doing unappropriate things like telling me to touch him, to please him in the shower telling me it was "good" and normal, nevertheless, he strictly told me not to tell my parents about that, I don't remeber the complete threat.

This happened more than once. As time passed on, things were becoming worse, he started hurting me and pretending penetration. I remember my face buried in a pillow and grabbing the sheets with my hands with no scape, he would not listen to my complaints, he just kept going. My parents didn't know anything.

I don't remember how many times this happened but after a couple of weeks I dared to tell my parents everything. My father naturally wanted to kill him right away and he was actually going to, but mom and grandma stopped him.

They took me to the doctor and he said that I was normal, that my parts were ok, but he could see signs of struggle. I didn't know this fact, grandma told me today and that was the last drop on the glass, that made me write all this.

I ocf course, had many therapies at the psychologist and that's it. That's all that happened. My cousin went to another city to an intensive Rehab... I don't know if it worked or not, plus he had important drug addiction problems by that time.

After the rehab he came back to my city and everybody pretended we were going to be normal again. He used to come visit us for birthdays, x-mas, new year's eve and so on.. I had to withstand all that, not saying anything.

My dad told me that given the circumstances, I did not deserve to be in his family.

The next years were tough for me, I was having bad/disturbing thoughts like dead people, disasters that could happen etc. I had to join religious groups and sports to keep my mind distracted. My parents used to bother me, They didn't think all my behavior was related to my abuse because I remember they didn't do anything for that. It was like they didn't care at all about this situation.

I have lacked of originality and self steem for a long time... I don't know what has to happen to put and end to this feeling.

In fact, not only my cousin but my whole family is a mountain of crap. I'd be more than ready to put everyone in a garbage bag and have them rot in a dumpster. My cousin's brother used to touch my little sister (which is 4 yrs younger than me) and she had a series of traumas... she ended up being bisexual but I think she has many troubles right now that she needs to sort out with a little more of maturity.

I don't know what to do know, I can't keep writing now.. idk

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
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