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#267259 - 12/15/08 03:45 PM Sexuality and self esteem
nonchalant Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Can anyone relate to a sense of 'when i feel good about myself i feel heterosexual, but when i feel bad about myself i feel like i must be gay' ?

In no way am i suggesting that all homosexuals have terrible self esteem or whatever, but i'm starting to believe i may well be bisexual with the homosexual side of things simply a product of terribly low self esteem

Edited by nonchalant (12/15/08 03:46 PM)

#267267 - 12/15/08 05:16 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: nonchalant]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, I get that a lot. Whenever I'm not depressed I feel fine, but if anything happens and I crash or go into a depression it's like I just start ruminating on stuff like "oh god, what if I'm really gay? What does that mean for me? I don't want to be gay, but I'm afraid I might be..."etc. It's not a fun time at all.

#267270 - 12/15/08 05:42 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: AndyS87]
Marinan Offline

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 330
If I mention that, I might get a PM from the mod-team. lol

#267276 - 12/15/08 06:14 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: Marinan]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada
not an uncommon thought/feeling for male survivors whose abuser(s) was(were) male. I lived the lions share of my life with that fear --my family of origin was very homo-phobic-- and when I was down tired or feeling overwhelmed I would slide into depression and part of that was always questioning my sexual orientation... Joe Kort has some great insight to this on his principle site has other valuable information.

Funny --the sad and disturbing type of funny-- that a family with male on male incest would be homo-phobic :-\ There was soo much hate and rage I feel blessed that recovery has allowed me to become loving, tolerant, and forgiving.


P.S. Nonchalant, whatever you find your sexual identity to be I pray that you love and accept yourself as a beautiful perfect being.

Edited by wes-b (12/17/08 03:58 PM)
Edit Reason: oops... had tp change an "of" to an "or"
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#267294 - 12/15/08 08:01 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: wes-b]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
Unbelievable timing for me to have this thread here. I get that all the time. When I am feeling good then it is no big deal, but if I get depressed then the insecurities and doubts about my sexuality creep in along with all sorts of other anxieties. In fact I'm feeling it today. I don't like the feeling, but I'm glad to have found this thread and to have found out I am not the only one that goes through this. Wes, thanks for the links. Thanks for posting this topic Nonchalant.


#267302 - 12/15/08 08:39 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: ericc]
nonchalant Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Just been something i've been thinking about lately

It seems that when i'm feeling good i am affirmed in my heterosexuality. For example, if i'm having a particularly good day i am able to see myself as a man who is able to attract women, look after women, make love to women etc

When i'm down, depressed, or confused i feel like i could never be straight. I feel like i would be better off with a 'strong man' to protect me rather than me protecting a woman. I feel like no woman could ever be happy with me because i'm not manly enough. I feel like i must be denial somehow, and how i'm only unhappy because i haven't come to terms with my homosexuality

#267317 - 12/15/08 11:05 PM ... [Re: nonchalant]
St3v3n Offline

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102

#267527 - 12/17/08 01:58 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: St3v3n]
Juni Offline

Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
I know exactly what all of you are talking about. When I am feeling depressed or feeling baddly everything seems to change as apposed to feeling well and up-beat.

This observation seems to point-out that it may be just a temporary condition based on momentary feelings. Someone out there may have more concrete information that may confirm this.

Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

#267534 - 12/17/08 03:23 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: Juni]
piperlime Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 4
Loc: Metro NY

This goes to the core of my problems. My T has asked me time and again "how are you feeling when these feelings of SSA come up?" Most of the time I get pissed off and say "I feel like I'm GAY, what do you expect?"

But, now I see what he (T) means. When I doubt (which I do ALL day, all the time) I doubt EVERYTHING.

This is really good to think about. Thanks

#267538 - 12/17/08 04:29 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: piperlime]
trb Offline

Registered: 07/17/08
Posts: 16
Loc: Tulsa Oklahoma metro area

This is a great thread. When I am not physically feeling good and/or my self-esteem is low my thoughts are 110% strictly gay and I have unfortunaly been know to act unappropriatly as a result.

Otherwise I am a married father of 2 grown kids and a grandfather of a lovely little 1 year old grandaughter, who loves his family imensly and in all other ways is 100% heterosexual - which today I know is not the case.

My CSA was my aunt which started at about 2 or 3 years old and ended when I was around 11 or so.

My family was homophobic in that sort of love the sinner hate the sin type way, while making it very clear to me that I wasn't that type and that since I was the last male heir I needed to produce one to keep the line going .... I did as well as a wonderful daughter.

Today however I wonder if that st8 component of me is real to any degree and maybe just maybe I really am gay and as for bi I just cringe at the thought of being attracted to both but having to live with just one resulting in a feeling stuck in a marriage while having all these thoughts of men and the knowledge that in the past I acted on those thoughts but there was never any long term relief of course there was never any real relationship on that side either (another whole long story).

Couple that with fears about being gay and the resulting pain for the family and disolving of it as it now stands and I just remain stuck!

I guess I wrote more than I inteeded - sorry for the length of this post guess I had stuff on the mind.

Thanks for this thread.


Hanging in there One Day at a Time
RB (trb)

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