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#26687 - 08/11/05 02:44 PM Coping with Family Rejection
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia
Possible Triggers********************

My older brother was the one who abused me from age 4-10 and of course that left its fair share of carnage. I had blocked all this from memory throughout my childhood and teen years, and it was only at 19 that my memories and trauma surfaced.

My point, or question, is this dual thought process that I have in wandering what it would be like to have a ‘normal’ brother and a ‘normal’ relationship with him, versus handling the utter discontempt I feel for him and what he did to me.

He always hated me! All I can think of now is that the reason for that was that I reminded HIM of what HE did to ME. I even think that he has blocked it out of his mind and has absolutely no idea why he doesn’t like me either.

I remember overhearing my mother one day asking him why he didn’t get along with me. I heard him say “I just don’t like him”. I was hurt, again, more. All I wanted was for him to like me. Every other family I knew had brothers and sisters who liked each other, and even loved each other. Sure, nobody was the Brady Bunch, and they all had fights etc but nobody had a brother that HATED them like mine did.

So, yes I’m hurt by his hate, and yet I yearn for that “winding back the clock” where I can have a ‘normal’ relationship with him. Is that crazy of me or what? Does anybody else have irrepairable family tears that you want to fix and at the same time not want to fix?


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#26688 - 08/11/05 08:10 PM Re: Coping with Family Rejection
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
My recollection of my sister not liking me was directly related to the sibling rivalry that my parents fed into. I believe it takes real parenting for brothers and sisters to get along. After all, it's in the family how we learn most of those socializing skills. Well, besides, Kindergarden, I mean.
Maybe parents, nowdays, can pick up on siblings really not getting along; like one abusing another. But, maybe not, it could take us generations before families began to understand there's more to having kids, than just having kids.
Good luck with your repairation. It could be tough if "Cain" doesn't even want to remember what he did to you. I wonder if Adam or Eve ever saw what was ahead for their family.
Sorry we haven't met before; welcome to the site, where this family tries to figure out how we can survive by helping one another. Hopefully, you won't find someone trying to take advantage of you, here.
We've had, and have, some great brothers from down under, good to have you here.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#26689 - 08/11/05 08:24 PM Re: Coping with Family Rejection
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
My sister. I'm not sure what happened between her and me, but she turned on me when I got married, she tried to destroy me in front of everyone we knew, and now she hasn't spoken to me in over 10 years. I thought she and I were kind of buddies through our crazy family stuff. But everything on my dad's side was a competition, so she picked up on that and tried to do everything I did, but she's a different person than me so she couldn't play the piano like me or get the grades I did or whatever. And she resented me for that. She could do a lot of things I couldn't, but in her mind that wasn't the point. Then I fell in love with her best friend, and that was it. My wife and I married, and my sister went nuts.

There's no doubt in my mind that my sister went through SA and terrible things that I don't even know about. She ended up with a bad therapist one time that even got her pointing her finger at me as the perp, but that's not what happened. My uncle and my grandfather were the perps. I think she knows that, or at least I hope she does. It's sad to me, because she and I could have worked together in dealing with what my family did to us. Instead, she's isolated herself and me so we've had to go it alone and without the benefit of filling in some gaps with the other's knowledge. At the same time, she calls my parents and they go visit her more often than they visit me (which is quite alright, thank you very much). What can I say? It's one of the worst family disasters I've ever seen. So bad that when I see a family with a little brother and sister I think, How awful that must be.

For a long time I felt like I must talk to my sister. I mean, she's my sister, and I know she had bad things happen, too. But with my wife's support and help, I've been able to walk away. My sister got so hurtful and mean and hateful, and she damaged so many people in the process, that I just can't be a part of that anymore. She tried to steal a friend's husband, and when that didn't work, she tried to leave with the family's son. She had an affair in High School with her teacher. We found out that when my wife and I were out of town my sister was using our apartment to meet a man. The girl she was rooming with said my sister tried to sleep with her. My sister has eating disorders and exercises compulsively. It's obvious my sister has terrible problems and had terrible things happen to her, too. I know what I went through, and her being the girl in that sick house, I don't even want to know what my dad's side of the family did to her. People have to want help, though. And it's tough to watch a family member crash like that and cut herself off completely at the same time. In the words of a friend here which I try to repeat to myself over and over, "It's not my job to fix them."

"irrepairable family tears". Yes. And in my family's case, I don't think it is fixable. I don't even want to go there. The fire is out, the family "house" is gone. It's time for me to move on.

_________________________
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#26690 - 08/11/05 08:41 PM Re: Coping with Family Rejection
FormerTexan Offline
Administrator

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12137
Loc: Denver, CO
I am number four out of four kids. I have an oldest sister and two brothers in between us. Number three kid, my second brother, and I got along terribly as kids. Because of our lousy family dynamics growing up, I recall he and I being abusive to each other in some ways, though it was not SA. There were many years as adults that we barely talked to each other if at all. Today we are trying to communicate more, but the conversations go 2-3 minutes tops on the phone. I want something better with him, I want him to be my big brother. At the same time, I considered him so mean and anti-social toward me before that now I figure what's the point? Why bother trying to make things better. I guess since he is trying I'll work with him, but it is difficult. We can't just act like things are ok. But I don't want to blow him off cuz I don't want to hurt him.

(shrug) Sometimes I don't know...


Edited for typos.

_________________________
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

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