Congrats on the new attitude. That's great.
I just wanted to share that lasting relationships are possible. My partner and I will celebrate 27 years together on April 1. Don't ask me how that happened, because I'm not sure I understand it. What I do know is that I believed then and still do that we were meant to be together. And, I also believe he's helped keep me alive all these years until I was finally ready to deal with the csa in my past. Tom knows just about everything there is to know about me. That's pretty scary, but there he still is.
I spent the first 21 years of our relationship drinking. I discovered that I tried to work on the csa back in 1995. Apparently, it was too scary and I continued to drink for another 8 years. I'm almost 6 years sober now and back in therapy. I've been so successful at pushing down all the memories that I only have little glimpses of what happened starting around, I believe, 3.
At any rate, this relationship was by no means my first. I'd have three what I considered longterm relationships before that - each lasting about 3 and a half years. Looking back, I see why the others ended. It's not like I was faithful and my own fear of the other leaving just made me hell to live with. I alternated between believing I was the best thing that ever happened to my partner to knowing there was nothing at all to love about me.
I met Tom after I finally decided I was done. No more looking for Mr. Right. It just sort of happened. Tom has his own csa past, though he doesn't chose to see it that way. Still, he understands the devastating effect it had on me. Hell, he's lived with those effects all these years.
It helps having him there to support me through this, even though he knows I seem to just get crazier and crazier as I'm working with my therapist. Just knowing there are others out there who can actually understand helps a lot. All I want now is a little peace in my life.
Can love be painful? Yep. Can it be worth the effort? Absolutely.
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.