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#265680 - 12/06/08 08:28 PM Does your bf/sig other/husband...
ChristineTrying Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
hang out with other survivors and if so, what is your reaction to that? Also, if they do, do you sense a difference in their behavior towards you or in general?

Mine is very different and I'm just curious about other peopl'es

#265756 - 12/07/08 09:31 AM Re: Does your bf/sig other/husband... [Re: ChristineTrying]
Geeders Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
I would if I could. No one local though that I am aware of. Being alone with this is not fun. Being with others like me, when it happened last month at a weekend of recovery, it was like a huge weight had been lifted, not being alone.

Your S/O may feel very lonely due to his abuse. It may help him feel better about himself realizing he is not alone.

Not sure if this answers your question...if it doesn't, ask another question!


My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

#265792 - 12/07/08 12:01 PM Re: Does your bf/sig other/husband... [Re: Geeders]
ChristineTrying Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Thanks, Jim. I'm just curious because when my bf spends time either online or in person with other survivors, he is totally changed in his attitude towards me and pretty much life. And not in a good way.

Thanks for your response.

#265838 - 12/07/08 06:06 PM Re: Does your bf/sig other/husband... [Re: ChristineTrying]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16269

I'm not a wife or GF here, I won't presume to tell you what my wife's answer to your question would be, but I think that sometimes she feels the same way you do. If you want to know more we can continue the discussion in PM, but I've picked up some signs that there may be some feelings there she's not necessarily wanting to talk about.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#265946 - 12/08/08 09:58 AM Re: Does your bf/sig other/husband... [Re: WalkingSouth]
Partner Offline

Registered: 12/05/08
Posts: 18
Loc: United States
My bf does not, that he is aware of. I know that some of these people are at least survivors of physical and emotional abuse because they have said they come from abusive homes but he is not talking about his abuse to others yet so I have no idea if it would help or hurt.

I know as a survivor myself, it was somewhat of a revelation to me to realize that perhaps part of why I have so many friends from abusive families or with traumatic non family experiences is that I too was abused. Now, I feel more comfortable talking to those people because I feel like they can understand or relate better. Sometimes though, if they are not healing or admitting the effects of the abuse in themself, they can themselves be abusive by reaffirming the negative opinions that keep us from telling/admitting/feeling good about ourselves.

Sooo, if he acts like you don't understand, try not to take it personally. I know that sucks for advice. However, if he acts "worse" as far as he is more self-hating or something like that, these friends might just be amplifying the negative thoughts he has about his experience, rather than being the voice of healing and diminishing them.

Every survivor has a unique experience and their own personalized effects. However, it is really easy for us, in our injured and skewed view to not always see how we effect others around us. I think, often, at least until we understand what we are doing, we may be emotionally abusive to those we are in relationships with. Not because we want to cause them any pain, but because we don't know we are doing it. If that is the case, maybe some distance would be good for you. Caution: If you tell him you are hurt by his actions, he may both feel worse about himself and be defensive at the same time. Not that you should have to tiptoe around and not have your own feelings, but just be cautious about how you approach this. You may get a response you like, but you may not....but now I am going way to far in speculation about the situation. PM if you want more of my possibly useless advice.

Edited by Partner (12/08/08 10:00 AM)


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