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#262142 - 11/17/08 04:23 AM I don't need anyone
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
I had a fight with my best friend yesterday. Awhile ago, I posted that I had a crush on someone. I made the mistake of telling my best friend, who is promiscuous and always eager for me to find someone. He told his friend, a drag queen, to introduce us. Suddenly the drag queen grabbed both me and my crush and introduced us to each other. My crush was embarrassed and walked away.

I was humiliated. I told my friends not to say anything. I told them I could do it myself. When I saw my crush was there, I was planning to talk to him. It wasn't shyness that kept me from him. It was ambivalence. He started to seem less attractive. I began to long for a woman in my office, who I flirt with. She's thirty-seven. I'm twenty-six. She has a boyfriend, but we've become closer. I felt sad and confused.

I'm not sure what happened at the bar. I can obsess about it for hours, but I don't have enough information. Maybe he had a boyfriend. Maybe he liked me, but was scared off. Maybe he sensed my anxiety. Maybe he's a jerk. But it's over. I was rejected. I'm pissed at my friend.

We talked on the phone. Instead of apologizing, he tried to say I was judging him. The same night, he told someone else I wanted to make out with him. I kind of like this other guy, but he's a mess. He's only twenty-three. He's funny and cute, but he's always drunk, always kissing men, always begging to sleep at someone's apartment so he won't have to take the three hour train ride home. This other guy likes me, so my friend was hurting both of us.

My friend is trying to help me, but he's like a meddling, manipulative mother. He's in his forties. Recently, his lover committed suicide. He really loved him. I believe they were soulmates. But he couldn't stop sleeping around when he was with him. I don't want to turn into that. There's no way I possibly could. I'm simply too uncomfortable with sex.

Essentially, it's a misunderstanding. He sees that I'm young, handsome, smart and nice. He cares about me. He feels bad that I'm always alone. He thinks sleeping around will help me, because that's all he knows. I haven't told him I was sexually abused. Maybe I should. But some of the reactions I've received have been so traumatizing that I'm reluctant to. I'm sure you understand.

Immediately, my friends called my crush an asshole. I didn't. I said, "I don't care. I don't need anyone, anway." My friends must be baffled by me. I don't act like they do. I don't want the same things they want. They expected me to cry like a drama queen, but I put a wall around myself.

I'm so alone. This friend is one of the few people in my life. He's the only one I call. I see him every week. I don't want to lose him, but maybe I've outgrown him. I don't belong in these bars. This lifestyle doesn't suit me. I'm worried that my friendship with him is keeping me where I don't want to be.

I'd like someone else's perspective. This place is always helpful.

#262175 - 11/17/08 06:06 AM Re: I don't need anyone [Re: Bewlayb1]
Charlie24 Offline

Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
This is tough man and I'm sorry your dealing with all that drama. I believe nobody wants to be alone but I also believe its unhealthy to be around others whom you may not see eye to eye. You say your not into that whole bar scene, so maybe some new scenery is necessary. A true friend wouldn't go and blab and tell others to try and set you up, I believe, if you ask them to do or not do something a real friend would respect your word. I'm sorry your friends lover committed suicide. I can't even begin to imagine how painful that must be. But what about this whole sleeping around thing. I agree with you on not wanting to sleep around. I would be worried about what he is exposing himself and partners too. Sorry I don't mean to get on a pedestal. I do think this though, its time you really sat down and thought about this relationship. Do you want to continue to make an effort with this relationship or are you ready to find other new friends in this world? I know from personal experience its easier to want to hold on to what we know versus stepping outside our comfort zone. I think it's even more hard being a survivor of abuse. Good luck to you.

#262176 - 11/17/08 06:19 AM Re: I don't need anyone [Re: Charlie24]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK

Edited by king tut (11/23/08 12:46 AM)

#265437 - 12/05/08 09:17 PM Re: I don't need anyone [Re: Bewlayb1]
Danbuff Offline

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
WOW. I am so sorry for what happened. What you said about being too uncomfortable with sex... it struck a chord in me in a big way. This proves we are not so different in how we view these situations that could lead to sex but feel ambivalent about the issue. You and I certainly share that but as noted in my recent post about frustrating questions, I seem to be wounded by the slightest rejection or perceived rejection when attracted to a guy. Yeah I feel alone and afraid of disclosure which is why this place helps so very much.I am not sure if I help by what I have written in response, but you have helped me in some way. I appreciate your shared feelings.
Best of luck in getting on with your life and healing. You sound like a wise young guy.

When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

#265536 - 12/06/08 05:22 AM Re: I don't need anyone [Re: Danbuff]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Thanks for those responses. I'm sorry I didn't write back sooner. I think I was kind of ashamed because nothing's changed. The next time I saw my friend, he made some sarcastic comments, I rolled my eyes, and that was that. No serious discussion. No dwelling.

On one hand, our friendship is strong enough so that we get over arguments quickly. On the other hand, I've known him for over four years, and we never get personal with one another. I just found out recently that the nephew he's raised since infancy, when my friend's sister died, was born HIV positive, and that my friend's ex-boyfriend who he was with for fifteen years, until his mid-thirties, left him for a woman. We don't talk about the painful things. That's why it's lasted longer than my usual friendships. We'd both rather just make jokes, get drunk and have fun.

He's my best friend. I'll always care about him. The friction is a result of my changing attitudes. Love and sex are causing me so much torment. One of the responses hit the nail on the head (I think the deleted one) when it pointed out that I didn't even care so much about this crush of mine. I haven't thought much about him at all since that night. My faith in love is waning, more than ever. I don't even have my fantasies anymore. I can't even believe that it's possible to find a man who will love me for who I am, respect me, know me, and whom I admire.

It's a good thing and a bad thing. At least I'm not fixating, like I used to, on someone who will make me whole. For years, I obsessed about people I barely knew: they would become perfect in every way, my missing piece: like desert mirages, created in my neediness, loneliness and hollowness.

You're right, Danbuff. I'm terrified of rejection. But, in a way, it's much safer than being in a relationship. Unconsciously, I think I often choose people who will reject me: men with boyfriends, players incapable of love, etc. For awhile, I was completely infatuated with a lesbian. I have so many unhealthy patterns to break. Recognizing them is a first step. Unfortunately, I've just kind of withdrawn lately. I don't want to be hurt again. If all my choices are bad, I won't make any.

Meanwhile, I'm fascinated by that woman in my office. We flirt. She brings me candy; I buy her potato chips. I feel warmth and tenderness from her. I get jealous of her boyfriend. I get angry when she nags me. Sometimes, I wonder if we could be together. But I'm paralyzed by doubt and insecurity. I don't want to be with someone older again. My first and only boyfriend was an older, unstable asshole. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to break up her relationship.

I really need fresh surroundings, and to meet new people. I feel so much anguish and frustration. I try not to let it get to me.

My birthday's in a week. Let's hope it brings a new beginning.


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