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#263783 - 11/26/08 07:14 AM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: bardo213]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
I just wanted to add that I know I have used porn in the past as a means of substituting the intimacy I have been unable to create in real life. I have my reasons for this, and I am determined to explore them and work through them. As a kid I always had this sense of an emotional longing towards girls/women, but my situation and my life has made it so hard to let anyone in. So I can see how porn filled that void on some level.

I am not going to judge anyone's use of porn, but I did a lot of thinking about the matter based on some previous posts on this site and I decided to try and avoid it as best I can. So far it has gone well and hopefully I can keep it up. I want the real intimacy in my life that I long for internally. I seem to sense (hopefully I am not delusional in regards to the matter) that there are women that show interest in me, ones that I wouldn't mind getting to know better. But too much crap in my life has made it so I can not let any of them in. I want to overcome this, because this issue is one of the biggest sources of pain for me. For me, porn probably wouldn't help in the matter of trying to deal with all this. I think it was more just an escape and an attempt to fill that void in my life.


#263794 - 11/26/08 01:37 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
mapleleafsn Offline

Registered: 11/03/08
Posts: 131
Loc: Eastern Canada
Hi sb48
I'm new to this as recovery and can surely identify with your struggle. I've been obsessed with porn for years and never really understood why. I've just started counselling for abuses from an uncle that happened when I was 6 and by my mother until my early teens. I'm on my second marriage to a wonderful and very understanding woman. In the last year we have been having extreme difficulty with our relationship due to my problems and fear of intimacy.

With the help of counselling and a strong determination of my own to rid myself of these distorted views and ideas around my own sexuality and intimacy, I have hope of not letting this marriage crumble like the first one. I know that it will be challenging and somewhat scary as I walk into unknown territory, but the pain of remaining where I am is finally greater than the pain of change.

I wish to thank the people that have started this site. I have been reading some of the posts and feel that I am nolonger alone with my history. I have ordered the book
Victims No Longer and anxiously await it's arrival.

I wish all the safety and security for you and I as we journey to a greater sense of self and identity.

Edited by mapleleafsn (11/26/08 01:56 PM)
Edit Reason: clerical
When the pain of remaining the same finally outweighs the pain of change---things will begin.... life is meant to be enjoyed not endured.

#265421 - 12/05/08 07:17 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: bardo213]
sb48 Offline

Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for all the great input. Itís the aftermath of the abuse that is such a struggle still today many years after I left my perp. And after reading the other posts I see I am not alone in trying to re claim a healthy sexuality. Porn makes me feel less attracted to my wife. Every time I act out by watching porn I initially feel numb, then I feel worse about myself. I donít even have to watch it. I have unhealthy fantasies in my head that are even harder to avoid. I want to feel good about sex. I want sex to make me feel closer to my wife. I want to stay present with her. Not run old fantasies or images from the past.

Right now she is dealing with an abusive history of her own. We talk often and both want a safe and loving sex life with each other but are confused on how to achieve it. Once, when I was cuddling and staying present with her I felt aroused. She got scared, confused and starting crying. It opened up another page of her abuse which she is working on with her therapist but again, we do not have sex right now.

As for me, it is hard to pull away from porn when I have nothing to replace it. That includes porn that is in my mind. I try to fantasies about my wife but if is not as intense as the porn.

I hope my wife and I can start slowly someday. I guess we have started with what I described but I am impatient for something new. In the mean time I struggle with these old fantasies and porn. I am addicted to it somewhat. I pull away and sober up but eventually porn and old habits call me back.

#265516 - 12/06/08 04:26 AM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I feel you are on the right track with your wife, by being present and is a slow process and requires a lot of patience on the part of the person who has less urgent healing needs in the moment. Slow is the way, as always to make it lasting!

Now for the porn, it is really about role-playing and also safe-sex as someone rightly point out earlier, so first step really would be to take away the power of porn over you, for me it happened strangely when I started becoming aware while watching porn, as in I started observing myself observing porn without judgment or guilt tripping myself, soon I could understand what was it that I really wanted and got through porn personally, notion that I am powerful too, through role playing, as it was triggered each time I felt powerless in life, so it is really wasn't my problem than the problem of the powerless part of me, that only knew this way so far to feel powerful and loved once again, so my challenge was to be more present rather mindful in the moment and embrace that vulnerable part of me!

What really spoiled porn for me was one day I found that someone I used to fantasize about, died! and became ugly. Next I started to think of all the people I am exploiting, just because I want to feel powerful, by having them do things for me! I think of their life stories, and how they fell into prostituting their bodies just to make a living or to feel powerful in the moment, what would happen to them later, and what about their Spirit? That stunned me, I am exploiting them, when I am myself trying to recover from my own exploitation in the past, so am I recovering or merely continuing the cycle? This ruined it for me, as could see them, as mere bodies, which I could see turning into bones and ashes in front of me...and then I realised that one day I would have confront their I used them to get over my own powerless, rather than healing it through other means... I also imagined their powerlessness, for once! I connected with them as human being rather than just flesh, perhaps I also saw myself and my approach towards sex was merely bodily, not much soul in it, was there?

What if I managed to give someone my loving presence? Physical intimacy is later thing, and becomes redundant if can manage to make another feel loved, through my actions, sometimes a simple gesture or even a look of love... it is a long journey to take love to the dimension of the spirit and experience it there, and then allow it come to the physical level. But for that I needed to experience my own presence first, be my own lover as it were, love myself completely and unconditionally, as only when I can love my completely can I ever hope to share that love with another soul!

~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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