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#265343 - 12/05/08 11:06 AM Struggling to avoid entering punishment mode
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2665
Loc: durham, north england
One thing I've noticed happening for a long time is that I seem to inevitably have a bad day after a good one.

I've no idea why this happens, I just literally go to bed at night feeling pretty good, then wake up the next day feeling exactly the opposite, there's no conscious thought, no triggering, no reaction I can point to, ----- as I think I've said before, if it wasn't that all this rubbish started last year when I was shocked into starting the hole recovery bit, I'd assume it was chemical.

well, last night I went to a rehearsal for my production and had a great time.

Learnt two pretty extensive dances, ---- including learning how to mince properly (and no, I'm not joking!), , one of which was immensely silly, had a good laugh and chat to friends etc.

As usual, when on stage (or at least rehearsing to go on stage), all my physical inhibitions were off. I held hands with and spun three girls in my arms, and did a very stupid monkey walk with linked arms with two guys.

In fact it seemed amazing to me how casual everyone else was about the hole touch thing, and for the purpose of rehearsing I felt that way to.

On saturday we're all going carrel singing in Newcastle town square, ---- and I've bought a santa hat with flashing lights for the occasion. As you can guess, it's something I'm looking forward to.

Then, when I woke up at four a.M this morning what happens, ---- bam!

it's as if there's a pressure, a weight, a drag, something i'm pushing against.

it'd be so easy to just lie down get myself into a worthlessness phase, and spend all day in apathy waiting for things to pass.

I don't want to do that though! I have much better! things to do with my time and energy, ---- heck, I'd even planned to write today.

Is this self-punishment? I always assumed that had to be something more conscious, and something which you didn't feel you had to fight.

Has anyone got any thoughts or suggestions?

#265360 - 12/05/08 12:53 PM Re: Struggling to avoid entering punishment mode [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

One possibility is that when good things happen to you, your reaction is to doubt their validity and importance and wait for everything to go wrong. This happens to many survivors and it's a classic abuse issue.

When a boy is being abused time after time, he gradually learns that whatever good things he has in his life are just cancelled out by the abuse. I remember this from my own childhood. I would get an A on a test - then that evening the abuser has me. I would be told I looked nice, and then later the abuser would be calling me "lovely boy". I would have a great time at Scouts, and then the abuser would pull up beside me on my way home and tell me to get in the car. I was so thrilled the first time I was actually able to stand up and move on my new ice skates, and then I look up and see the abuser smiling at me from the bank of the creek.

What happens to a boy in this situation? Quite often he protects himself by refusing to accept that any of these good things are really any good at all. He rejects their importance and meaning because all they seem to do is elevate him and set him up for a longer fall the next time he's abused. The only reality is what the abuser is doing.

These feelings don't leave the boy just because he grows up and becomes a man. They just sink beneath the surface, from where they continue to operate as if he still needs this protection from harm. They work against his ability to appreciate his worth and achievements or exult in his happy and fulfilling moments.

Sound familiar? If so, don't fault yourself. You are so NOT alone. This is just one of those many confirmations of why it's a great idea to deal with our issues with an experienced T. A good therapist will quickly recognize the patterns and help us cope with them and get back on track.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#265374 - 12/05/08 02:04 PM Re: Struggling to avoid entering punishment mode [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

of course the first concern is that this may be a chemical issue and perhaps it would be helpful to takes whatever steps may be necessary to rule that out.

once it is determined that that is not the case, then perhaps you may want to consider how the mind has a tendency to carry thoughts forward.

for instance, there was a time, when you did not have this recurring idea that
I seem to inevitably have a bad day after a good one

when did that idea being to take shape?
I've noticed happening for a long time

it seems that at some point, most likely without really making a decision to do so, that your mind established a reasoning process that resulted in this conclusion, that a history of good day/bad day was becoming apparent as a pattern in you life.

once this was established as a condition, it eventually became a self-fulfilling prophecy, as you began to live out of the presumption of it being the case.

you are now invested in this belief that your emotional life has an 'on/off' cycle and so you begin to live as if this were true. in doing so, you disempower yourself to change the way you react, and actually have created an>
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC


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