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#265058 - 12/03/08 08:40 PM No anger
ceegee Offline

Registered: 11/14/08
Posts: 21
Loc: WV, USA
I wonder if it is unusual for a survivor to feel no anger toward the perpetrator? I have never been angry at him. I feel remorse for the life I lost because of what he did. I feel self pity at times, but never anger.If I had met him as an adult, (he died in 1997) I think I would have just turned and walked away. I know I would be upset at seeing him, but I dont't think I would react. Maybe it would be different if I really saw him today.

Sometimes we need to pause in our pursuit of happiness, and just BE happy- Author unknown

#265060 - 12/03/08 09:00 PM Re: No anger [Re: ceegee]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I had 11 different CSA perps, plus physically and emotionally-abuse parents, plus a cult religion abuse issues growing-up. I can say that I have felt little or no anger towards most of my earlier perps (before age 13), and the several perps of my adolescence, which tended towards more violence, I have and have harbored much more anger towards. So I wouldn't think that not feeling anger towards some perps is at all unusual. The challenge is to turn your self-pity and feeling of despair towards yourself into some feeling of anger towards your abuser, then to forgive yourself and eventually move beyond the point where your abuser and the effects of your victimization bother you. I could run into most of my abusers on the street and most likely not even recognize them now. I did recently see a photo of one of my earliest abusers online and I wondered if I should send him a "remember me" email to his corporate email address. It is over 45 years later now. It did not make me want to harm him seeing his photo so many years later, long after I had worked my way beyond my abuse.

Hope that you too can enjoy the feeling of being beyond what was done to you. Keep up the effort and keep your head up.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#265099 - 12/04/08 01:35 AM Re: No anger [Re: Trucker51]
Tinman Offline

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I was puzzled by this as well. My feelings were similar to yours. It took over three years of therapy before the anger surfaced and then WHOA NELLIE!

I think this is best explained that showing anger back then was something that we were afraid would make the perps mad and maybe make our situation even worse. Also, how could I be angry at them when, of course, it was all my fault? (Sarcasm fully meant)

Just wait. And then get ready.

"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

#265114 - 12/04/08 03:53 AM Re: No anger [Re: Tinman]
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
It took me a while to feel the anger but it came. Then again, I think the anger was always there. Anytime I'd get really pissed off at things that were so insignificant, anytime I would throw a temper tantrum for something out of the blue was when I would feel my anger for my perps before I identified my anger for them. Anger unveils itself in layers. That is good though. It gives your body and mind time to deal with it periodically because all of it is too much to handle at once.

I found myself wanting to feel that anger because it was liberating and I felt a huge release during and after feeling it. Anger will heal you when it is used in the right way. There is nothing wrong with anger as long as you use it to heal yourself and not to hurt yourself or others.

Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

#265118 - 12/04/08 04:11 AM Re: No anger [Re: endlessjourney]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
I am glad that you have ben able to get to this point . I still want to hunt down the SOB that raped me .
I want to castrate him with a dull knife and and choke him to death with his own balls stufed down his throught . I wash Him a slow painful death .
I am sory that i still feel this way . But he took the best years of my life



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#265155 - 12/04/08 09:38 AM Re: No anger [Re: OKIE MIKE]
jggab Offline

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 53
Loc: California
I guess I am a lot like you and Tinman. I was never "angry" and for the most part, I was made to feel like I wanted the abuse. . . like a willing participant (but certainly not all of it). So how can one be angry when you don't know you were suppose to be angry. Well. . .that anger is slowly developing, mixed with confusion and shame. Can't help but feel that I should have done something different. . . that I had a choice.

What I am angry at now. . . is the impact that this has had on my life. How I've been deprived at so many years of happiness.

So, is it unusual for you to not be angry at your perp?. . . no, I don't think it's unusual. But you are entitled to your anger if it does develop.


#265164 - 12/04/08 10:55 AM ... [Re: jggab]
St3v3n Offline

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102

#265170 - 12/04/08 01:31 PM Re: No anger [Re: St3v3n]
ceegee Offline

Registered: 11/14/08
Posts: 21
Loc: WV, USA
Thank you all for your comments. I am comforted in knowing I am not alone.

Sometimes we need to pause in our pursuit of happiness, and just BE happy- Author unknown

#265278 - 12/05/08 01:53 AM Re: No anger [Re: ceegee]
G5 Offline

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 204
Loc: New Jersey're not alone at all. I rarely have any anger towards him. I found out through my abusers sister that both of them were abused by their grandfather. I should be angry towards one of them (perp and or grandfather) but I am not. I'm angry at myself for not saying no and telling on him. I'm angry that I didn't protect my little brother from him also. All the anger I have has been directed at myself and some towards my parents for not teaching me to protect myself.

How can I change this perception? Been working on this for a while. I guess we just have to keep repeating it to ourselves and hear from others that we're not the ones at fault. I still don't believe that, but maybe some day I will.


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