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#336107 - 07/15/10 06:10 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: lgdan84]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 47
Loc: Florida, US
This whole thread circles around the same issues for me. I was abused by an older male cousin. He was around 11 and I was around 4. It ended when my aunt and uncle got divorced. I never saw him again. I was so young and I didn't realize that this was not normal. I also just forgot that it happened. Sort of. I knew it had, but I discounted it as not having any effect on me because I was too young. I started having sexual desires toward girls at 6 and I was very ashamed of it and my self.

I started to cross-dress and have "strange" behaviors while masturbating in elementary school. They were actually not all that strange, but at 8 - 10 I was unable to deal with them. I was always looking for the perfect girlfriend who would "prove that I wasn't screwed up." Needless to say that did not work out.

Due to the CSA and some other reasons, I thought that being gay was the norm; that I was supposed to be gay or at least bisexual. I felt tremendous anger towards gays and myself. I also wasn't gay. I was terrified by the prospect that I could be gay.

I also thought that girls/women hated boys/men. Violent angry hate. You've probably heard of the stereotypical "Man-Hating Feminist." For me any feminism was always this extreme male-hating. "All" women were feminists, thus they all hated boys/men, thus they all hated me. Side note: when I was 25, I was actually shocked to meet women who did not hate me or men on sight. I still have trouble with the concept that women actually want and like men.

I desperately wanted to fit in, but I thought I was screwed up inherently. Screwed up just because I was a boy.

Now, I'm 47. I know I'm not gay - I've had ample opportunity to engage in homosexual sex but it never interested me. I would go to porno houses in the 1980's and see gay men there, but I wanted to watch the porno. There was no Internet and it was hard to find the (straight) porn I liked. I have had to specifically prove to myself that I'm not gay all my life. I was in the military and other situations where I saw many men nude and had little privacy. HS Gym class comes to mind. After those experiences had ended and I was older, It dawned on me that I never once had any thoughts or sexual desire in the situations.

I've engaged in very dangerous and destructive behaviors and I still want to do them. Its clear to me that I am replaying the abuse. While masturbating in Middle school, High School, my 20's and 30's I would replay the abuse. I wasn't conscious of exactly what I was doing. A few years ago, I identified it, with help. Once I realized what was occurring, I've been able to heal. I don't believe the old saying "time heals all wounds" applies to CSA. I think you heal when you acknowledge it and work on healing. It doesn't happen automatically, but it does happen.

I'm no therapist or psychiatrist, so I can't answer your question about being gay. I have such a history of problems understanding intimate and sexual relationships between men & women (and men & men or women & women) that I'd be the last person to make a comment. Definitely get with a therapist, stay on this board and stick with it. There is a forum specifically for gay survivors. You'll get it.

"There is always hope."

#483172 - 05/31/15 07:42 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: nonchalant]
derekjw Offline

Registered: 05/28/15
Posts: 29
Loc: U.S.
I wish i had found this site five years ago. Ive been wanting to meet people like me. I was molested by and guy and have wondered for years and years if was gay. i always knew that i really wasn't. that my sexual attraction to men was from the abuse. I like what someone said that he is sexually attracted to guys but emotionally attracted to women. That is me! I have no desire for a boyfriend or a relationship with a guy, its just a sexual attraction from the abuse. I do though find women both sexually and emotionally desirable. Wow. I knew there were guys like me other there, I just hadn't met any. I know that all you others posted years ago, but if any of you see this, please pm me. Would love to talk to you individually
"Aren't you lonely" ?
"I'm never lonely, I've got me"

#485370 - 07/12/15 07:54 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: nonchalant]
eltoro65 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 11
Loc: chicago
Hi there,

My feeling is that you got to the point early in your post and the rest feels like it moves away from that. The other boy who regularly had sex does not, for all intents and purposes, sound like abuse to me, because there is some balance of power because you were the same age. My guess is that since you moved away from each other soon afterwards, that he identified as heterosexual and/or made you feel that the experience happened because you feel your sexuality (as an adult) was to blame for it and that is where the abusive feelings for you are. If you are fond of romance with women, but not interested in them sexually, perhaps what you mean to say is that you are not comfortable expressing or feeling sensual towards men. If that is the case, perhaps you will take a closer look of your beliefs and feelings about gender and gender roles and why it's ok to feel sensual/romantic toward women but not men. Lastly, if you have never fallen in love with a man or a woman to the point of feeling happy tears of joy at the love you have found, you may always feel estranged from yourself as you do. That's just a guess. Either way, I hope you will move a little out of your comfort zone and challenge your own beliefs by asking yourself "what's so wrong with men being romantic towards each other?" Good luck. smile

#491531 - 11/17/15 01:56 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: nonchalant]
Chewy Offline

Registered: 10/30/15
Posts: 37
I find it interesting that you were testing yourself to see if you got aroused by looking at naked men. I have a lot of identity issues (mostly due to CSA) and have had times where I was aroused by gay porn and sometimes when straight porn aroused me. Thoughts are the same thing. I can also say that often-times, I don't have any sexual feelings one way or the other. I think a lot of arousal is situational, and can depend on the time of day, who is involved, and many other factors. I could be straight and not be attracted to every woman I see, same if I was gay, but in reality, I can count on one hand the number of guys I thought were hot. I wouldn't base my decision of orientation on whether a male or female aroused me; picture or real life.

Edited by Chewy (11/18/15 07:34 AM)

#491555 - 11/18/15 03:05 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: Charlie24]
Stephen56 Offline

Registered: 11/11/15
Posts: 13
Loc: MD

I remember a bit of college angst, but I had already finished the military.

I thought I was gay then, and had a great time. By my Jr. year, I was hired as bartender for a hot new bar---whether customers or wait staff, I could have anyone (or two), and consumed them like potato chips.

I had two fixed relationships then--one boy and one girl. I never tried to understand or explain in that period. I loved all kinds of sex. I also had a love of ballet dancers, and had several when passing through my town.

At 26, though, a girl and I ran into each other. I had never seen or met her before, but she was part of my extended friend group. Ballet was her serious hobby (under a teacher I knew). Might sound trite, but it was love at first sight. Never had to decide anything. Learned that sex (and other intimacies), whether gay or straight, was completely different with one person on an extended basis. Once I cut the cord on a baby, it was just incredible.

Summary: At your age, I really liked sex with boys and girls, and focused on enjoying the person and the sex. You should not be grinding your brain to paste so early. Just go F___?

I could have flipped a coin over gay or straight, but straight came along first. So I Iook at gay porn, and enjoy the sight of a pretty boy now and then. I'm of the opinion that if one of my gay friends asked me to marry him first. I would be reading Playboys, and watching girl porn.

I lost a brother (one of my violators) to suicide, six friends/team mates in 2008, and another friend in 2013 (Iraq Vet, 23). Find a thread to life---any kind of thread---and hold to it.

There is a whole lifetime to sort things out, but only one time to easily explore sexuality without too much penalty (16ish-30ish).

PS--Try Mindfulness. Breath, relax, and live in the Now.

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