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#279881 - 03/17/09 09:49 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Bruce1000]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5793
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
1 therapist took advantage me sexually. He was a married Man.

can you verify this? his wife would not be pleased to know what a monster she is married to.

i am personally disgusted to know what you have endured bruce. i know you are a newer member, and i am glad you are speaking out about what happened. i hope you stick around and continue to process the effects of your sexual abuse experiences.

male survivor has been a godsend for many, if not most of us.

i'm sorry you are suffering right now. things will improve, i promise.


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC
  1. the past
  2. advocacy

#280053 - 03/19/09 12:32 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Sans Logos]
myboyhoodfears Offline

Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
i have been having issues with my sexuality all my life...since i was 10 or so...i was abused at 6...i don't think i had any memories of the incident up until i started to hit puberty...i also had issues with my father figure throughout my childhood, my step father hated me, i should also say i was exposed to pornography quite young not sure how old i was, maybe as young as 5, my step father had porno mags around and i would sneak looks at them, which i did till we left him when i was 13 or so, i would study thier naked bodies and i liked to look at both women and men,(he had Hustler magazines which had men and women)...once i got to be 12 i was thinking about men often sexually,...even though i still felt attracted to girls...around this age i met a boy and we hung out for a few weeks...once i was at his house, he showed me photos of his parents who were "swingers",..he showed me photos of his father who was sitting there with a huge erection...i remember being aroused by these photos of his dad...and he was...i spent the night at his place once...we slept in his room together, in his one point he grabbed my hand and tried to place it on his crotch...i pulled away and never said anything to him about it...i wanted to do it but i was fearful...i had several incidents like this with other boys my age then...but i rejected their advances...and would try to seek out girls....but i was mostly unpopular in school and no girl would get caught we i turned to masturbating to fantasies of men to comfort me.

...i had a friend who would want to have oral sex with me when i was 13-14 and would ask me, if i did him, he would do me...i said no..but i would masturbate with him ..but i would never let him touch me...i still wanted to be with girls my own age but they would never reciprocate my affections, so i never had any sexual contact with one until i was 18 when i finally lost my virginity to a girl i knew in high school...i dated a few girls on and off since then and had sex with them and enjoyed it when it happened...but i could never shake the same sex attraction and continued to masturbate to fantasies of men.

at 22 i had a secret crush on a str8 male friend that devastated me, i became suicidal, so i joined the military,..while in Germany i saw my first gay porno and was immediately aroused by it, i expect because it reinforced my 26 i got out of the military and decided i was gay...then things started to spiral out of control...lots of porn and sex...which i never really liked...but i kept telling myself i was gay and continued to do these things,..because it fulfilled my childhood needs.

i found my self in a relationship with a guy that lasted 7 years...during that time i developed a crush on some girl i knew...i loved her actually but because she thought i was gay i could never really express my feelings toward her...i told my b/f when i was 36 or so about my sexual abuse,..he was the first person i told...i didn't give any details...he told me he was sexually abused first so in response, i told him about me...i really cared for this guy but i never loved him, i knew the relationship was doomed...i felt myself getting more distant and would cheat on him like crazy with other lifted my ego in away...many gay men found me attractive, because i was very boyish looking, yet masculine, and so i would humiliate myself for them because it would be a little boost to my ego,(which was always very low) i did many things then that i am not very proud of, bad things,.....i finally ended that relationship,...i had one other relationship with a man after that, which was awful...and it lasted 3 years, and had the same issues was only about the sex really....i was spiraling out of control, at one point i contracted hepB and stage 2 syphilis and when they treated me for it my kidneys shut down, that destroyed the relationship, and nearly destroyed a way i wanted to die, and my reckless sexual behavior was how i was going to do it...i was hoping for HIV.

all my life Ive been searching for that one person that will be the father figure i so desperately needed as a young boy, some who will heal my wounded heart...but i could never find him, i find that i cannot relate to gay men on any looms over me like a dark cloud and yet i used it to try and fill this void, and i still do,...ive been a chronic masterbator my entire life,...and i feel trapped by it....i can never get off when I'm having sex with someone,...but when I'm alone i do..all my fantasies are about, me as a boy getting molested....and Ive always sought out this type of sexual encounter....i actually hate what sex means to me, there is no love, affection, real emotion...its nothing but a temporary pacifier, that leaves me feeling a little less human every time.

Edited by myboyhoodfears (03/19/09 01:20 PM)
Post Nubilia Pheobus

#280092 - 03/19/09 06:10 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Jim1961 Offline

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1200
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Wow, we do have a lot in common...

PM me anytime man.


Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

#331887 - 05/24/10 03:00 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: nonchalant]
Charlie24 Offline

Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey I have seen this post before but I have been afraid to respond to it.

Now I know why I've been so afraid. Cause this fucking issue is at the core of my recovery and is holding me back from moving forward with my life.

I hate not knowing about this and it gets in the way of my success in college. I can see my grades slipping and I'm just burned out to piece from it all.

I wish I just knew.

I hate spending hours obsessing about what it is I am or who I'm meant to be. All this shit just makes me question myself to the fucking core and then I don't know anymore. I just don't fucking know anymore.

I'm so tired of all this shit, of having food intolerences and dealing with being a survivor and being a college student. It all just gets to me and just makes me feel so overwhelmed.

I was feeling good yesterday, maybe it was cause I had some human contact and saw my mom, who was in town.

I thought I had things figured out yesterday but now I'm just not sure anymore.

I've been working on accepting myself and really trying to love myself and my imperfections, but tonight it's all getting to me.

I think with the start of summer school in a week I'm freaking out again. Sending me into overdrive OCD. Not good at all.

I really was starting to feel like I was attracted guys and that is part of me.

It's so damn hard to separate the whole abuse and sex that came with it, from what I really want. That is the tricky part.

Now I'm just not so sure anymore.

I see people who are my age and in relationships, married, all coupled off or so it seems and I'm just like where the hell do I fit into this whole picture. Where is my life. Where I do belong. Why do I look to others in the hope of finding myself. Not gonna get answers there. It all seems so fucked up for me at times, fine for everyone else. Gotta get out of that grass is greener on the other side, mentality.


#331893 - 05/24/10 04:54 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: Charlie24]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Charlie,

Me again...with the same line, but I'm gonna state it again...don't try to figure it out sitting in your apartment all by yourself. Your abuse taught you the maybe disturbing fact that you could be sexual with another male. Well, that's not so indicative of anything other than that. Go have some dates...there's no law saying you have to have worked everything out in advance of taking a girl out to dinner or a movie or whatever wink


the family
the perp

#332027 - 05/24/10 11:08 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: sono]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1986
I have had this same problem. I feel pretty confident that I like women, but then again I have a fear and inability to connect with any amount of true intimacy. And I have been doing things in my life that will only make that harder and harder. What a mess. When I remembered back in college I really flipped out in regards to sexuality. I obsessed about it.


#332029 - 05/24/10 11:34 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: Charlie24]
roco Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Maryland
Charlie and Eric PM me. I know a lot about what you are going through.

#332105 - 05/25/10 10:52 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: roco]
roco Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Maryland
Well Charlie, I have a long story but will highlight what I experienced with sexuality. I was abused by my 13yr old baby sitter, who was female. She forced me to have vaginal intercourse at age 6. Later in life I was raped by my 14yr old male cousin. He penetrated me while I was sleeping. I awoke and felt his arms around me while he stroked my penis. CSA occurred several more time but this was the critical period of developing self awareness, self control, self identity and gender identity. The greatest damage inflict was to my self-sexuality. I was violated and robbed of my childhood. I suffered same and guilt. The shame of being an outcast and guilt because I thought I did something wrong because my abuser told me I would get in trouble if I said anything. I felt my masculinity was taken and I was weak because I could not stop the abuse. I felt powerless so during my teenage years, I began to look at guy that were very masculine and envy them. I want to become them. This later changed after puberty when I started having erotic fantasies with males. I was dating and having sex with girls but this fantasy kept intruding in my brain. Having sex with girls felt good and I really like girls. I was focusing only on guys crouch and penis, since this is what also aroused me. I did not want to have a relationship just have sex, recreated CSA but this time I would be in power. However, each time I felt shame and guilt after sex with guys and guilt with my girlfriends because I thought they would find out. Sexual identity confusion! I had desire for power and be came fixated on male genitalia which fuels attraction to guys that is really not about a relationship. The penis caused me pain, fear, and pleasure. Porn only helped my compulsiveness. I have been in/out relationships with men and women. I feel emotionally attracted to women and physically attracted to men. I feel like something is always missing while in gay relationship versus straight. However, I used to believe I was gay because I was abuse by a male and had attraction. I believed that my abuse caused me to be gay because my masculinity was robbed. Homosexuality is not created by a event. Some assume that little boys that are rape are gay; that is why they do'nt tell anyone. This not true. We still do'nt know. My CSA interfered with my normal self development. My perception has been skewed by CSA.

#332127 - 05/26/10 02:19 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: roco]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1986
Thanks Roco for sharing. I think this is a pretty common issue for those that suffered CSA. I realized all the mental insanity and craziness I went through over this wasn't at all out of line given what happened to me when I was younger. But at the time I thought I was going crazy and I had not way to reach out and understand any of it. In fact, I just wanted all the stuff that happened when I was younger to just disappear. It was quite the mess.

#335859 - 07/12/10 02:55 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: nonchalant]
lgdan84 Offline

Registered: 07/11/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
and this time no one was able to stop what was going on.First off, I am so glad that i found this site and i now know that i am not alone on this subject, a lot of you pin point what i have been feeling for a long time.

When i was from the of 5-im guessing 8 i was sexually abused by my babysitters oldest son who was a year older than me. the first encounter i can remember was at my own house in the bedroom where he started to do and ask sexual things from me. there was no intercourse but a lot of fondling and some oral. my mom and his mom eventually caught us in the act and put a stop to it, though i was never taken aside by my mom and told what had happened. the next few times that this had happened where at his house after school when i waited for my mom to pick me up. this time no one interupted the act and i never said anything to my mom about it. I hated being there and felt scared.

We later moved to a new city after my 3rd grade year. this is where i made new friends and left all that behind. i met my best friend here and didnt have anymore fears of csa. i can remember my 4th grade year at this new school and having the biggest crush on this girl in my class. In 5th grade my dad almost attempted suicide (and i think thats why i have little repect for life) and thought otherwise. i love him very much. my mom has always "worn the pants" in their relationship so i didnt have a very masculine figure in my life. This leaves me to believe why i dont feel very masculine when people around me say im a big dude and would be intimidated by me.

Jr. High is when i started to look at porn, my friends dad had mags and we would look at them. after being exposed to this i would masterbate a lot. and sometimes with my best friend we would masterbate at the same computer together. one sleepover at his house he fondled me and we touched each other and i dont know why i didnt stop it (i think it was because that was all i knew from earlier abuse). i had asked him to do oral and thats when it all stopped (again thats all i had experienced from earlier abuse).

Now in high school i can always remember getting erections in class from looking at girls and not wanting to get out of my seat when the bell rang. i would masterbate to straight porn all the time (i have seen gay porn but i am not interested in it at all). i joined the water polo team cause i broke my collarbone and couldnt play football. i would occationally look at the guys "packages" and remember thinking am i gay because of that? never was i aroused by it but i have always questioned the fact. i always envied guys who would get the girls and thinking how can i be like that. i was always afraid of meeting girls and if one liked me i didnt know how to act or what to say. i can remember right before my first kiss with a girl another one of my good friends showed me how to kiss. him and i kissed for a brief moment, for some reason it felt comfortable (but again i didnt get aroused by this, and i think it was from the previous abuse, but it was kinda fun).

Now in college and always being against drugs i started to smoke weed with my new college friends and got addicted to it. I also now had had my first sexual experience with a girl but she was shared between me and my best friend. it felt amazing but i never got to "finish" because she got sore (sloppy seconds). A little later i finally got to have sex with a girl one on one and again it was fun, exciting, and amazing. Now that im 25 and still in college with no real focus. I have had sex with 5 girls with the oldest being 55. all of which were one night stands. except the 5th girl who i had sex with a couple times after i met her. i was affraid to get into a relationship with her and ended up cutting her off. to this day i have never been in a relationship with a girl. Afraid, scared, confused of how to act and what to say around them. i have been told by many people of how charming and good looking i am and that any girl would love to be with me. But i feel completely otherwise, i have very low self esteem. very self conscious, i masterbate up to 3 times a day to straight porn and work out every day maybe to help with being self conscious and also still have feelings of SSA (does that make me gay?).

My situation now is, a year ago i did some shrooms with my best friend (who i explained about earlier) and my college friend who i would say now is also a very close friend to me. during the trip my best friend said something and it triggered all those feelings of SSA and of my CSA. we started to look at each other in a funny way as if he knew something about me, like i was gay or something. i got numb all over and started to sweat profusely. i felt like i had to tell them i was gay cause thats how he was looking at me. i told them i was attracted to men sometimes but i also like women. my college friend told me life is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs. it has always now been really weird being around my best friend and we cant look each other in the eye when we talk and he also looks like hes about to hurl. i think he said something to my sister cause she acts very weird around me now too like she knows something, which now i dont feel home as a sanctuary anymore. i have been pondering the idea am i gay? i got a girls number the other night but i am afraid to call and hang out with her. I hung out with a girl last night and felt confused, didnt know how to act, or what to say and couldnt get the SSA and am i gay off of my mind. but later that night i did masterbate and got off to looking at nude pics of girls. i cant concentrate at work, i have a short attention span when talking to people because i keep thinking about it. its driving me up a wall, i dont wanna talk to or hang out with my best friend since the 4th grade. i confine myself to my room and only come out when my sister isnt around. i dont care about myself and would not care if i died tomorrow (cause this would all go away). I want a relationship with a woman so badly just to show people im not gay. but im afraid and scared to be in one so i cant commit myself. I hate these feelings of SSA and am i Gay? and why did i have to be a victim in CSA. I am VERY depressed right now and this has led me to finally do some research on this whole SSA, am i Gay, and the CSA. Also i am trying to get in touch with a T. this site has been helping me cope with this, now knowing im not the only one.

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