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#264674 - 12/01/08 09:29 PM Where to start ????
caper Offline

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 2
Feeling a bit lost........

I'm 44 years old and while I believe I've had and carried a number of issues inside me over the years, including being the smallest and youngest brother in a family of five.... that internal strife of trying to outdo yourself in an effort to measure up, which perhaps emanated from being the youngest and the smallest. That alone, has most likely shaped to some degree the person that I am today........... which makes a recent realization a bit of a shattering acknowledgement internally.

In the last month, I've come to the realization, or memory recollection (I'm struggling to even recant a de>

#264682 - 12/01/08 09:53 PM Re: Where to start ???? [Re: caper]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to the forums Caper, hope that we can be of some help. I was the oldest child in my family growing up so I can't identify with the struggle faced by the youngest child, but we have other members that have had the same issue growing up. I used to have a really hard time pleasing my dad. You may have some symptoms of the "people-pleaser" going on. And yes, any kind of non-consensual sexual contact when you were a juvenile can be damaging, even if you woke up while it was being performed. It can leave you with all kinds of unanswered questions. Even if you thought that you consented, any adult-juvenile sexual contact is prohibited because young people do not have the ability to make adult decisions about sex. One fairly common perp is the respected authority figure. So you are not alone on that issue.

I am just out the door to celebrate my 9 years off of cocaine, but I wanted to welcome you to the site and hope that we are able to find some answers to your questions here. You have found a support site where we all understand what you are going through, and most of us will be willing to try to help you.

Have hope,


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#264689 - 12/01/08 10:50 PM Re: Where to start ???? [Re: caper]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi caper and welcome

is it possible you fear that your s/o will reject you if she sees you as vulnerable or 'weak'? not meaning to stereotype you in particular or men in general, but often times males pride themselves on seeming 'successful' and along with that image comes confidence, self-assurance and all the rest of the heavy baggage that it takes an person of atlas proportions to maintain.

also, i am a bit concerned that you have already invested so much hope in a new relationship, when clearly you have not processed closure in one already begun.

there are many people depending on the outcome of this pending outcome, and i can imagine how high the stress level must be for everyone involved.

all those emotions intersecting all at once would be difficult enough to endure, but as they rise from the heart to the head they increase exponentially.

this sounds like a lot of things are stoking this fire.

i think an objective party would help you sort out the primary issues causing tension in your life. then once they are resolved, it may be best to focus on yourself for a while, even if that means being alone while you do it.

but something tells me you are not ready for that, and that's ok, but i don't think there are any easy answers here for you.

your healing, and your life as a result of being a victim of sexual abuse/assault, will take time. the manner in which you approach the recovery path will determine the quality of your results. i imagine that a qualified therapist would best aid you in exploration of your current dilemma.

just some thoughts arising,

wishng you all the best,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#265086 - 12/04/08 12:47 AM Re: Where to start ???? [Re: Sans Logos]
caper Offline

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 2
Thanks for the comments... really appreciated..

on the relationship thing.... it probably sounded like I'd jumped from a separation into a relationship, but not the case. The separation thing had been closed for some time..

my reply is not soo much for a clarification point but for some possible advice..... For some reason this week has been quite rough, I have experienced this odd feeling of being off the whole week, something that's a bit hard to describe but there all the same. It's in part like a hyper sensitivity to things.. for example my partner and I were out in a restaurant having lunch and she made some comment that made me feel quite inadequate... but the strange thing is the comment was really nothing at all, hardly what anyone would consider in the same manner as I felt. And, to my surprise, as I'm a very private person.. I could feel myself well-up with emotion.. to the degree that I had to pause and look elsewhere to perhaps distract myself. She noticed, as she would because of her caring nature... I felt quite awkward and said everything was alright, but did explain the odd feeling that I was having... we had a talk about it and both tried to understand the whole thing... so the week continued..

That "off" feeling continued all week.. not with work though, as i suspect my work has been my escape from it all, perhaps even before I had my realizations about that event. Find myself to be tired easily this week, and i suspect the "off" feelings are to blame....

I've always been one to "put the lid" on strong emotional things and hope they don't resurface... and i guess to some degree that has been successful for me so far, but with this I am cognizant of this and don't want to put this stuff in a box. Feel that i've made some progress in trying to understand some feelings I have had over the last while, and ina cautious way want to continue.. with the self discovery part and then see what other needs I'll have.

To get back to those "off" feelings again. Found myself staying later at work this week, and while that was a need work-wise... it seemed bit theraputic with no one around. Not sure if this is anything or just a hyper sensitivity to things...

Also have this real need at times to feel like it's all OK, or maybe I'm OK..... not an over-bearing feeling, but subtle in nature.. almost like a nudge or something to say I'm a good guy...

Just in case I've not said... these "off" feelings are not earth shattering but more of slight in nature..


#265117 - 12/04/08 04:06 AM Re: Where to start ???? [Re: caper]
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
I've found that situations I've had to handle with a boss or a partner in a relationship can get entirely blown out of proportion and can cause us much unnecessary pain and suffering. It's always important to express our feelings to another person if we feel they have offended us (make sure you are not in a dangerous situation). The more you bottle it up, the more it poisons your day. It's hard to have the courage to speak up but once its done, you'll feel better. Even if the other person doesn't react the way you wanted, its still relieving to know that you spoke up.

If you don't feel ready to do so, that's OK too. It's good to take your time and do things at your own pace. This is not a race.

Good luck

Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.


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