Both my older brothers sexually abused me as a child and as an adult.
Didn’t matter if I gave in the shame of them wanting abuse me was horrible, when I gave in the guilt was worse.
My earliest memory is from age 2. I can date by history; (I believe I had been taught to give oral sex way before this). I got into my 15 year old brothers bed, he would hug me, then after a while I would initiate oral sex on him, I remember this happening several times. He left home not long after this started.
He came back into my life at aged 13 and whenever we were alone he would tell me about other people playing with themselves, or about when he was younger people would rub their privates against him, I thought this was odd. At the time I felt uncomfortable as there was an hidden overture in his conversation, not just a topic but the way he spoke about it I felt sure that he was giving me an opening to re commence a sexual relationship, one I didn’t want. When this happened I felt like a as helpless as a dirty little boy I also felt shame/guilt brothers having sex.
I was about 30 when I decided that I would respond to the cum-on under tone to prove to myself that I had not misunderstood what he was getting at all these years. He took the bait and I was propositioned within a heart beat. Before he gave me oral he reminded me of what I used to do at 2 and that it was me who initiated the act. After wood I felt so dirty-soooo dirty
My other brother 7 years older was my care giver. He would take me to the pictures on Saturdays I remember when I was about 4 and we were taking a short cut through an oval and he wanted to take me over to the willow trees, The way he said it wasn’t right, I could tell that he meant that there was a reason for going over there and I was so frightened, I cried, he still wanted to go there I was so scared that I shit myself.
When I was about 7/8 the parents weren’t home and he got me to strip and lay across the bed he soaped up my behind and tried to penetrate me, I screamed so loud that he stopped. The next time we were alone he paid me to let him try it still hurt too much so I told him to stop “relax it wont hurt so much” he replied I couldn’t so he asked me to suck him. I tried but couldn’t. He tried again on the way home from swimming one day by getting me to go into a large storm water drainpipe with him you know what for, it hurt and I told him to stop, he did and I ran out and waited minutes for him to come out. A few weeks later I was alone in the house when I heard him come home I hid in a wardrobe for a long time. Mum came home and I waited till she went to the toilet then I snuck out and to the front door opened and closed it as if I had just got home, mum couldn’t ask why I was in the wardrobe and I hoped that he did not know I had been hiding. I don’t know how many times I hid or was able to run away from him. I don’t know how old I was when he started talking about sex to me it was before the first attempt when I was 4 and it was the same type of conversations as mentioned with my oldest brother. One conversation I remember was “you don’t tell your mates about the girl you just f****d” I knew he was telling me not to tell about what he was trying to do to me.
We moved when I was 12 and it wasn’t long before my mother started going out during the day and I was often alone with him and he would start conversation’s about men having sex, a sort of setting the scene, I knew this was a way for him to see if I reacted
A: adversely, against male 2 male sex.
B: interested and would like to do it
C: not interested, which I mostly did.
By acting disinterested I didn’t realise he never lost the chase. (Some perps use pictures as grooming manipulating, he used sex stories instead)
When I entered puberty my parents were worried about my sexuality and watched me like a hawk to see that I was not in a situation to be led astray (into homosexuality), so I couldn’t go anywhere on my own. I was 14 and my brother and his GF started roller skating and I asked if I could come with them, yes, finally I could get out of the house. After two weeks I withdrew all of my savings to buy a decent pair of roller skates then a few weeks later he broke his leg. Now you can’t skate on a broken leg that meant dad wouldn’t let me go on my own. My brother got married and moved out of the house his leg was better, I waited and waited, he didn’t start skating again. I was now 15 I was working and still not allowed to go on my own. I asked my brother if he was going to start again, he asked why so I told him. On Thursday he arrived home just after dad got home from the pub mum was getting the evening meal so dad cracked a bottle of beer and they sat at the table drinking and talking then out of the blue my brother asked if I could go skating with him, dad said yes, my brother said “meet you there if I’m not there go in and I will se you when I get there”. I had been skating for about an hour when I saw my brother by the door, I went over he asked if I was enjoying myself I answered yes he said see you later and left. Next morning the first words out of dad’s mouth were “was your brother there” and I could answer yes without lying (I couldn’t lie convincingly). Next week I asked if I could go skating with brother again he said yes. This time he waved from the door and disappeared, but he was there. First thing dad said next morning “was your brother there” and again I could honestly answer yes. This happened several times and the time my brother didn’t show up dad asked I replied what do you recon, it wasn’t a lie, and he didn’t ask again. After quite a few weeks my brother asked if I enjoyed myself at skating last week, dad reacted “what! You didn’t go” that was my brothers way of telling dad that I was ok to go skating on my own, which I did each week. You may think what a lovely brother. NO WAY.___ the next time he found me home alone he said he wanted to root me, no preamble. He had done his bit now he wanted his bit. The screen door was between us I laughed as I held the door closed, he said “I’m not kidding I’ll root you” I answered “I know your not kidding” and walked away.
I had moved interstate and when I was 43 I returned on my own for a family visit I was staying at mum’s and he showed up mum was out and he said he had something to show me it was a porn movie showing anal sex after a watching it for minute he asked what about it. The moment I saw what he was showing me I realized what he wanted. I felt powerless he had always been so good to me and there wasn’t a screen door between us, I couldn’t refuse and the little boy got done again.
During the act he was saying things like how good I was to F**k as a kid do you remember------ he was not doing adult me he was doing the little boy that I was. When he finished he asked me “do you remember when you were a kid and I took you to --- picture theatre and you shit yourself on the way home” I thought I knew it that’s what you wanted, lucky I did shit myself. Then he took me for a drive and we finished up at where the pool was that he took me to the day he tried to abuse me on the way home.
I’m pretty emotional at the moment I just realized the barstard was still in his abuse mind when he took me there.
All he wanted to do was F**k whenever possible. I was 44 when I came out gay and he disapproved. Stiff shit.
My brother’s sexually abused me as a child till I was in my 40’s and as adults they were abusing me by their hidden messages in private sexual conversations and their good deeds with abuse payments in mind.