I read a lot of posts here, and I realise just how much the little boy was hurt inside the man he now finds himself to be.
A long time ago, I brought up the topic of working with the inner child, and how it was him who was hurt so much, I suppose I got a bad response, but maybe I got ppl thinking.
I was thinking of all the hurt that I went through, and what other guys express here, and somehow I can identify with it, maybe because I tried to process it my own way, with nobody to listen.
I can only ever live in my own hurt, but I sure try and think of anothers' hurt, but how could I ever do it, I cannot, I cant be there, I cannot experience what others have gone through in their lives.
I only know of times of deep despair, and times of giving up in life cos it was too hard then, and I suppose it was so hard to be in my home, and sometimes harder to be outside of my home, so where did I go?
I chose the outside where at least I could run and hide from the World which seemed to be against me at every turn in my life.
I tried so much to be the good kid, and abused boys really do want to please, but please dont take advantage of my love, it was unconditional, and meant no sexual recurrence, but their was, and I did not know where my boundaries took him.
Yes, I could have turned into a playtoy for men, there were plenty of them who followed me. I was sexualised at 10yo, and never got to puberty until very late, so it was real confusion.
I remember the neighbors talking about my acting out and stuff, but it was not my fault, I did not even know about sex then, so how is it my fault.
I just felt like opening my body to any man who wanted it, like some free for all, I fantisised for all the wrong reasons, I felt like I needed to be raped but I cannot understand why.
The only thing I can think of, is that I got raped, and felt like a boy whore, so I suppose I must have been acting out even subconsciously, to predators who sure homed in on me.
Yeah, I just felt that sex means pain, and someone taking me, and just do what you want, and then say it was not you, and maybe they were right.
But my child life was not of this, he just wanted to be me, but my child life, was like I am here to be used and abused, by anyone who wants.
My child life wanted to see a World, where, everybody respects ppl, and that is realising my dream, and it will never happen,
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!