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#261806 - 11/15/08 10:10 PM Two questions for you
Tinman Offline

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
To the family and friends that support us, I give you my heartfelt thanks. I have no family to support me and I have never disclosed to friends that were not survivors, so I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind.

1. When your family member/spouse/significant other/friend disclosed to you what had happened, did your opinion of him change? If so, how? And how did you deal with that knowledge/reaction in your own mind?

2. Are there any male friends or family that post here? I have read a lot and can't find one.

Just curious. And you know what they say about curiousity! Meow! grin

"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

#261812 - 11/15/08 10:35 PM Re: Two questions for you [Re: Tinman]
MissMyra Offline

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 19
Loc: UK
Hello Tinman,

I can really only answer your first question, as I haven't been here for very long and I haven't come across any male friends and family that I am aware of. But then again, I am sure there are bound to be some!

When my (then) boyfriend told me about his abuse, my love for him most certainly didn't change one bit, I loved him neither more nor less because of it. As for whether my opinion of him changed, I would have to say not a lot. I don't mean for this to sound like it didn't affect me, of course it did, and in that sense perhaps it did change everything. But to me he was still all those things that her was before, you know? A sweet guy with a great sense of humor, a very talented artist, a deep thinker, etc... he was just a survivor as well. So the only way in which my opinion of him changed is that I saw him as even stronger and more resilient then before, when I didn't know what had happened to him, and my heart went out to him.

I'm not sure I understand the second part of your question "how I dealt with that knowledge/reaction in my own mind" - do you mean how I dealt with his abuse, or how I dealt with my change of opinion of him?

Edited by MissMyra (11/16/08 12:13 PM)

#261876 - 11/16/08 05:00 AM Re: Two questions for you [Re: MissMyra]
riz Offline

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 123

i too, can only answer #1: my opinion of him absolutely changed. when i started to see what he'd been going through his whole life, my heart opened up even wider. suddenly i understood all his negative behaviors. finally i got that he wasn't really being mean to ME personally, that none of it was about me. if i had thought he was strong and exceptional before, i saw that he was stronger and more exceptional than i ever imagined. i love him more than ever.


#262009 - 11/16/08 12:03 PM Re: Two questions for you [Re: Tinman]
Friend Offline

Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2
I am new here, I have been watching my boyfriend change as we grow closer. I know he was victimized many times. When I discovered he was hiding online porn & looking for singles, I was hurt & angry. "Why's he doing this?" After calming down, I realize, he hides his inner self. He claims I'm the first woman he didn't objectify. I haven't yet talked about the on-line stuff (he's deer hunting).
I took the liberty of printing your poem, so that perhaps in reading it, he'll join this site. I found it quite stirring & brought me to sign up. Thank you

#262199 - 11/17/08 12:09 PM Re: Two questions for you [Re: Friend]
soapy bubbles Offline

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london

Edited by soapy bubbles (09/01/09 03:05 PM)
Edit Reason: deleted for personal reasons

#262326 - 11/18/08 01:25 AM Re: Two questions for you [Re: soapy bubbles]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
I want to say that I agree with SB - finding out about the abuse was like finally putting the pieces of this very complicated puzzle into place. I finally understood that our relationship problems weren't about me (and my self-worth), and I was able to stop looking at our relationship from the perspective of a hurt girlfriend, but rather like a supportive friend.

Since telling me, he disclosed to his brother and his best friend (who, it turns out, was also abused). I believe that he felt safe telling both of them - although its hard for me to know how supportive his brother was.

#263120 - 11/22/08 02:53 PM Re: Two questions for you [Re: rchsweetie]
Delores Offline

Registered: 11/12/08
Posts: 18
Answer 1:

My opinion of my husband didn't change at all but it CERTAINLY did change my opinion of his SICKENING uncle who abused him (as far as I know he was the only abuser) and my mother in law who KNEW the abuse was hapening but did not protect her little 7 year old boy. HOW CAN A MOTHER DO THAT????? I will NEVER look at her the same again.

It didn't change my opinion of him but it SURE finally gave me some answers about his behavior. I wish so badly he would have trusted me a LONG time ago and I can't help but think it would have prevented our current mess.


#263326 - 11/23/08 05:35 AM Re: Two questions for you [Re: Delores]
cstjude Offline

Registered: 09/05/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Dear Tinman,

My loved one disclosed to me on the phone. I was the first he told. We had been friends for 15 years and I was aware that he had been in therapy for a couple of years for depression. The first words out of my mouth were, "It wasn't your fault, you were just a child." The next thing I said was, "This changes nothing about how I feel about you. If anything, I now know that you are more amazing than I thought. I will always be here for you. Let it all out." He was so terrified that I would judge, be disgusted, feel differently about him. I vowed that night to learn everything I could about CSA for men and made him the promise that I would always be honest with him and that I he would always be safe with me.

One of the things I did tell him was that a lot of behaviours I'd been wondering about over the years now made sense. From that day to this, I have never considered him anything but the singular most courageous man I have ever known. I have never told him to "get over it." I thanked him for his trust and vowed to be worthy ot if.

After two hours on the phone (he lives in another city), I went to bed and cried for hours. I cried for the little boy who was so violated and so alone. I cried for his despairing adolescence, and for the loneliness that has haunted him in adulthood. I hate that he was hurt and I hate that those who should have protected him failed to do so. Now all I can do is continue to support him in his pursuit of recovery.


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