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#262201 - 11/17/08 01:57 PM Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me
nonchalant Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
First post and going to be a long one

Between the age of 11 and 12 i engaged in regular intercourse with a boy of the same age. It was only when i got older that i realised he had taken advantage of me, abused me, and left me with scars i could never get over.

We stopped hanging out when i was 12, but i lived my entire adolescence in fear. Fear that i was now gay. Fear that people might find out about what happened. Although i didn't feel gay, and i had crushes on girls, i still felt i couldn't be straight. When i began masturbating alone, i always thought of girls. However, this all changed when i got my first PC at the age of 14. I found myself instantly attracted to gay pornography sites and would regularly get off on these right up until the age of 22. I would say about 85% of my 'pleasuring' was over erotic pictures of women, and 15% whilst watching gay pornography. I tried lesbian and straight pornography but neither were remotely arousing for me.

As i grew up, and despite the frequent gay porn watching, i became more and more assured that i was straight. I began getting intense crushes on women and had very fulfilling (emotionally and sexually) relationships with them. My longest relationship is 15 months, and i have been in love with 2 women. However, 9 months ago i developed an intense 'need' to PROVE i was straight, and my life has fallen apart ever since.

I have OCD issues and have obsessed about virtually everything possible. I guess obsessing about my sexuality was always going to happen. 9 months ago it began, and since then every minute of every day has been spent pondering my sexuality, trying to reassure myself i am not gay, or trying to accept that i am gay. I constantly look at pictures of naked men and check my reactions. If i feel aroused it proves i am gay. If i don't feel aroused then i must be straight. This can go on for up to 10 hours at a time. I imagine gay scenarios in my head and see if i feel comfortable/happy at the idea of them. I feel terrified every time i see a good looking guy because i believe i am attracted to him.

These last 9 months have established a few things anyway: i KNOW i am more sexually attracted to males than females. However, i have no romantic desire for men. The idea of emotional intimacy and romance with another man just feels wrong for me. It doesn't interest me. I want romance with a woman. But i don't want sex with women anymore. I wouldn't say i want sex with a man, but i KNOW that i would prefer it to sex with a woman. I just feel like a total misfit. Isn't hetero emotional and homo sexual just a cop out for not wanting to accept you are gay? Did my early acting out/abuse turn me homosexual? Was i born this way?

I've had to quit my job, i live as a recluse, and i constantly wish my life away. Sorry for the long post and rant, i just needed to vent. Thank you to anyone who reads this

#262243 - 11/17/08 06:01 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nonchalant]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303

I've posted a response in the friends and family forum.


#262316 - 11/18/08 12:48 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Kathryn]
Fissy Tsickens Offline

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, nonchalant.

Have you considered that you may be bi? Perhaps you are asexual and don't really need a man or woman as a life partner. Maybe you're straight, and because your first sexual experiences were with a male, your brain/body is simply reacting to what your eyes see as something (male body) to provide you with sexual pleasure. Have you spoken with your T? Or, perhaps you just need to take a break altogether and step back to gain some new perspective. The OCD may be getting the best of you. Do you take meds for your OCD? (My son has OCD, and I have obsessive personality disorder).

I know first hand these issues are terribly confusing. Best of luck to you.



Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

#262336 - 11/18/08 01:51 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
nonchalant Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
I am on a therapist's waiting list, no idea when i'll get to see them, but i'm pinning my hopes on it

I have tried 3 different types of antidepressant medication but the side effects are always horrendous and i will not use meds anymore

I try to reassure myself that my first experience being homosexual makes the male body arousing to my brain, but then it just get dragged back to "no, you were born gay" thoughts

Edited by nonchalant (11/18/08 01:51 AM)

#262387 - 11/18/08 05:35 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nonchalant]
midnight51 Offline

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 145
Loc: Cleveland, Ohio
You kind of just told my life story. So much of what you wrote I have dealt with over the past 5 years. It first started when I was in my 3rd year at College after many years of numbing myself with drugs and alcohol I had come to my breaking point. I emotionally collapsed, literally, there would be times of such panic and emotional turmoil inside me for some of the same reasons you describe above. I remember one time in particular where I was sitting at my computer desk upstairs in our loft and it was really bothering me - I was trying to drown everything out by getting into music and this is also when started to keep a journal (helped immensely). I went downstairs to get a glass of water and I set my glass on the kitchen counter and opened the refrigerator, then suddenly it was like I blacked out - I had no recollection whatsoever of where I was or why I was there. I stood there for what seemed like a day thinking and thinking but I could not remember for the life of me what I was doing there or how I even came to be there. Anyway, my abuse occurred over several years as a small child I don't really remember exact age ranges or anything as my life was so cosmically disoriented from moving or divorces or this abuse that abuse whatever it was. It happened while I was visiting my Dad (I used to visit every other weekend) and it was with one of the boys in the neighborhood. My life had become a wreck from everything I was being forced to handle, far too much for a child of my age or for anyone at any age really. With a drunk Dad and Stepmother who also was into drugs and a Mom at home working 9 or 10 hour days and an abusive and confused Stepfather it was all I could do but to just soak it all up and try to push everything out of my mind. I stopped visiting my Dad because well I couldn't do it anymore - I kept everything to myself and I still have although I know some family members are keen to what had happened and have helped immensely over the years. Anyway over the years to follow I visited my Dad in sporadic intervals and saw the boy every once in a while but nothing was ever right. One time in particular, probably one of the first times I went back, I saw him and he said to me "Are you still gay?" in a question form. I took it to mean that I was somehow gay throughout all of the mess of my life and somehow this attention I was receiving and giving branded me as being homosexual. I started examining everything in my life, every action, every detail, trying to prove or disprove whether I was gay or not. It tore me apart and as you can see I obviously still have not really put it past me yet. For me, as I think it is with you as well, it was basically the thought of me being gay just did not fit right and the thought that if I was gay was just too much to handle. Wow, this is hard to write about and my sleeping meds are starting to kick in so I will wrap this up. Basically, what I'm trying to say is just give it time and it will work itself out. Don't be afraid to think whatever it is you're thinking just let everything go and walk through it. BTW back to the Journaling thing - this has helped me so much through the past 5 years of my life. I have filled 1 three subject notebook front to back and another is halfway filled, then for some reason I started to write in another, and not 6 months ago I bought a hardback journal and it is filled to about 40 pages front and back. Random thoughts, anything, whatever I'm thinking whatever I want to talk about or whatever I'm feeling - stream of consciousness, poetry, stupid silly nonsense, anything, it's just me and the book and the book somehow became part of me

Be well,


#264848 - 12/02/08 10:40 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: midnight51]
jayoessh Offline

Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 3
I have had similar experiences as to what you guys are talking about. I was manipulated into sex with a male friend and feel it changed my entire life. For a long time, i wondered if I was gay or not. I have battled with looking at gay porn sites and straight porn sites. I have found that I have an attraction to gay porn sites because of what happened to me. I also prefer straight sites, Maybe I am bi. However, i know I will never act out on the gay feelings and have no desire for it. I am a masculine looking guy, and have found most people to be intimidated by me, which was troubling for me because I had identity issues and only recently have figured it out that my size intimidates people. With that being said, I am intimidated by women. I am scared to talk to them lol, I am not a bad looking guy but I think the vibe I put out there scares them off.(nice guy vibe) I have few friends because I close myself off. I am still trying to cope with this 11 years after the incident. I have found that if you continue to concentrate on the important things in life, such as career, maintaining the family and friends you DO have, and your heatlh that you can live a fulfilling life even with whatever inner demons you have. I came on here a year ago and it really helped me. You dont have to identify yourself as gay or straight, enjoy your life. Whatever you like, a good dinner, a new video game. I have ran my whole life, 2 middle schools, 3 high schools, moved to 4 states in the past 6 years. I thought it was where I was that was bringing me down.. Its not, its who you are and what you do with your time that defines you. Don't waste it by drowning yourself with old emotions, talk it out with the people on here or a therapist. I am 23 years old, live in an amazing state (montana) and have begun to start loving my life again. I hope you can achieve the same, but let the feelings come, accept them and let them pass. You are not going to do a 180 and turn things around tomorrow. Its a gradual process and until you become more grounded in your life I wouldn't concern yourself with love or a partner. Like the old saying goes, If you are not happy with your own life, how can you make someone else happy? I hope this helps, This is my story on how I have turned things around. I am still not fully repaired but I am better than I was 4 years ago. Just keep on truckin!

#264865 - 12/02/08 02:55 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: jayoessh]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK

#268823 - 12/26/08 11:32 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: steveb121]
oneday Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
so many people here are telling my story. its very comforting to know i am not the only one.
thank u. smile

#269612 - 01/01/09 07:37 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: oneday]
JDrock Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 12
I was molested by my father at the age of 11. It was only one time and he stopped as soon as I told him to but significant damage was done. One of the effects is I am confused about my sexuality.

Other than some brief dating periods I have not had a serious relationship with women despite wanting to. I just don't feel capable or sexually dominant.

I think I feel A-sexual because I disassociate from my sexual feelings because of the link between sexual stimulation and the painful feelings associated with it.

I am now 26 and feel under a lot of pressure from friends and family about my lack of relationships. This just adds the stress. It is just hard to establish if I would be naturally gay or whether this confusion and problems are the result of my CSA and can be resolved.

So no you are definately not alone!

#272007 - 01/20/09 03:34 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: JDrock]
Corbin327 Offline

Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 38
Loc: New York
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes. Love the person, not the sex. I've struggled with feelings for both men and women for many years before finally realizing I was okay either way. Express your feelings here and you will get an honest response, I promise.

The sacred lies in the ordinary

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