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#261805 - 11/15/08 10:07 PM Labeling?
Delores Offline

Registered: 11/12/08
Posts: 18
I'm just wondering...a thought came up...

As humans we often find what we're looking for. In other words whether we're talking about depression, PTSD, bipolar, or personality disorder, history of abuse, do we see only the diagnosis and end up looking for those traits to use as the answer to everything? I'm recognizing many similiarities of behaviors between those diagnosed PTSD, domestic violence, childhood abuse, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm just thinking out loud - do I assume my H's behavior is always connected to his childhood abuse and if so do I use it as an excuse to minimize my own behavior and think: "There goes my crazy husband" and not even give him a chance?

Does that make sense?

#261809 - 11/15/08 10:25 PM Re: Labeling? [Re: Delores]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

Your question makes perfect sense and so does your revised view of the world. I think we're all guilty of it in one form or another, I know I am. It takes time to adjust.

Assuming that all of your husband's behavior is connected to csa probably isn't correct. Alot of it yes, but not all, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to accept bad behavior or that he should be allowed to get away with it. Remember that many of those bad behaviors were learned by a kid in order to protect himself. That kid didn't have the knowledge to properly reason things out as an adult would so he came to his own solutions. They served a purpose then and they worked for the kid. They don't work for an adult man, especially one trying to maintain a relationship and a family. The self preservation methods he employed then are destructive now, but he doesn't know what else to do because letting go of them is dangerous.

He does deserve a chance to change the way he interacts with you. You have the right to expect that he will try. Anything less would be grossly unfair to a human being. It's very difficult to look at a full grown man and believe that they just don't know the right thing to do sometimes, but it's the truth. You can't know what you've never learned. What's even harder is to unlearn lessons that weren't true, yet hurt so terribly.

ROCK ON.......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#262047 - 11/16/08 05:48 PM Re: Labeling? [Re: Delores]
Delores Offline

Registered: 11/12/08
Posts: 18
So, it sounds like what you're saying is that inappropriate, ineffective, damaging behavior is what it is no matter what the cause. Of course...that makes sense!

Thanks so much.


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