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#26194 - 04/16/02 10:13 AM New and need some help
TJRILEY18 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/15/02
Posts: 1
Hi everyone. I just joined NOMSV a couple days ago and have been debating whether or not to post anything, probably because itís still not real to me and feel really awkward writing this stuff, but figured Iíd give it a try. I think the first time things had happened to me was when I was five and went on for a year, not really sure. Things from back then have been slowly coming back to me. The first time I started remembering it was a month or so when I was sleeping. I woke up, ran to the bathroom and threw up and then sat in my room trying to think if it truly did happen or if it was just a bad nightmare. Since the dream things have been coming back to me, itís like the thing opened some door that I had kept locked up and wish had never been open. Then had another incident with a high school kid when I was eight. Both times the guys told me that I had liked it and that if I told anyone that the person would just think I was a sick and perverted kid and would get in trouble.

Iím 20 now and have had the toughest time with dating and male friendships. I go out with a girl and get so whacked out and uptight that I end up breaking things off within a couple weeks. Then I have guy friends my age, but when Iím hanging out with them I feel like a little kid again and crawl up into a shell. I have a warped perception that to be close with another guy I have to sexually please him in order to be accepted and until that happens I donít feel really close. I donít know whatís wrong with me, I definitely donít want to be gay and do find girls attractive, but itís like the wiring in my brain got all screwed up when it comes to relationships and donít have a clue on how to get passed this. I want to be able to have a typical guy relationship that every normal guy has and then have a romantic relationship with a girlÖ.HELP! - TJ

#26195 - 04/16/02 02:25 PM Re: New and need some help
bosishere Offline

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
hello TJRILEY18. I commend you for asking for help. It is so good of your trying to figure out what happened in your youth, not that your so old now. I recomend that you find a counselor/therapist to learn more and figure how what did happen. I welcome you. Bosishere

#26196 - 04/17/02 04:24 AM Re: New and need some help
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

You are on the right path by asking these questions. Get some professional help, but remember it is your life and your healing. You are in charge of it. Keep on the road and know that the light at the end of the tunnel is a sunny happy day.


[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: Kenf ]

Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
ÔŅĹ Rabbi Hillel

#26197 - 04/21/02 07:23 PM Re: New and need some help
Mark R Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 29
Loc: Palm Springs, CA
Admitting that there is a problem is the first step...and it's a big one. For sure, find a therapist. Also, read all you can about it. There are a number of good books. The best advice I good give is Be good to yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself with love and kindness. Keep up the good work. It is often slow going. One step at a time. And remember, you certainly aren't alone. Blessings.

#26198 - 04/22/02 01:30 AM Re: New and need some help
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hello tr,
I know what you mean about haveing male friends. I cant be real close to another guy without thinking that I need to have sex with him inorder for him to understand how much I like him. I have has such a hard time with this I have stoped having male friends at least ones that I can have any contact with. I know Im not gay, I just do these things. Well thanks for your post.

I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#26199 - 04/22/02 04:39 AM Re: New and need some help
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
I am so sorry for what happened to you. You did not deserve it. You were the victim and those people abused you. Don't you forget that for a minute! (although I know we tend to feel somehow at fault)

One of the hardest things is to reach out – to tell your story – to get over the feeling that you are alone – You are so brave to take the first step – I hope you find that this is a safe place for you. Check out the chat room and the forum.

Everyone here has had some kind of abuse experience – and each of us has symptoms because of it. What you are describing is, the confusion you feel, sounds a lot like things I have experienced. I can only tell you about what I know for myself and if you see something or make some understanding from it, then maybe it will help you understand.

I was abused at a very early age – what I know from that is that young children understand things differently (not so much in visual or thought memories) – they tend to hold the memory in physical sensations like feeling uncomfortable, (for me a skin crawling feeling) for others a smell or looking at a wall to avoid the reality of what is happening. Some times these memories come back in flashes – and it is very disturbing and I don't know what to do with them sometimes – they would usually makes me feel upset or depressed.

For me I became very distrustful of everyone – how could I trust anyone when something like that happened to me – I felt like I had to always look out to protect myself - It made it hard to have friends that I trusted and impossible to have a good and trusting relationship with a mate even though I cared about her.

It also created a lot of very confusing feelings about sex. I think that I looked at male bodies because I wanted to understand their sexuality. It produced a lot of sexual identity confusion, I wondered what I was, gay or straight and why did I have a sexual interest in guys. I can imagine that if your abusers were male you would develop the idea that sex was necessary to have a close relationship with a male. I can also understand your feeling of confusion in relating to a girl. I had a lot of difficulty with that and would have flashes of my abuse when we were being intimate. That felt really awful and I could only be intimate when I was in total control and had developed as much trust of my partner as my mind would allow. What you should know is that the abuse does make us confused about sex and relationships – that is a symptom.

I really know your strong desire to just feel normal and not have all this confusion. But the only way I have been able to heal this is to get some help - begin to understand the connections it has with my abuse experience. Gradually it's hold on me lessons and I can see the feelings or confusion coming.

What I am trying to say is that there is recovery from this. It takes time and it takes help. I would suggest that you find a therapist or a men's recovery group where they are familiar with the symptoms of male sexual abuse. There is a list of therapists on the NOMSV site who are experienced. Another way is to post the city you are from and ask for suggestions from others here.

The one good thing is that you are aware that it has happened and know that it is interfering in your life. You are young and working on this stuff now instead of burying it will free you to go on and have a life you deserve to live – to find out who you are and what makes you happy. I hope you will come back and keep posting what comes up for you – it has helped me so much to be here.

Welcome and know that you are not alone.


"..this place isn't a discussion's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

#26200 - 04/22/02 05:21 AM Re: New and need some help
wobble Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/04/01
Posts: 7
Loc: Spanish Fork, Ut, USA

My heart goes out to you my friend becuase I am going down the same path as you. I wish you the best in your efforts to find help and support. Know you have a friend right here.

#26201 - 04/23/02 11:22 PM Re: New and need some help
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
you've probably done the hard bit, admitting what happened to yourself. it took me 31 years to do that. I thought I was the one at fault, that I was the dirty little pervert, I wasn't - I KNOW that now.
All the previous correspondants say it all, your thoughts are no different to so many of us.
Even after 27 years of marriage ( faithfull with other women) I still have the fantasy of sex with other men, and at my age, nearly 50, I have never ever looked at another man and felt any sort of attraction to them, it's a different thing to being gay. And as so many others I have acted out and ended up having sex with other men, and once over it repulses me, and never features in any future fantasy. But that was before I got proper therapy from a therapist who specializes in male sex abuse, I haven't acted out for over 5 years.
Seek out good help, use forums such as this to find the good ones near you.
Stay strong - stay cool

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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