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#261558 - 11/14/08 10:22 AM New here, and going through some hell currently
pl1961 Offline

Registered: 11/14/08
Posts: 9
Loc: ohio
I was abused by an older male cousin from the age of around 6 till almost 14. I did not tell anyone about it for 40 yrs. now only a few people know. close family and one friend. I feel so embaresed that even these people know. I would have kept my abuse secret until the grave except that my abuser took pictures and home movies of what he did. and I became obsessed with trying to find out what happened to the pictures. Its funny how the physical abuse eventually stops. but the mental abuse and related problems never go away. the thing that hurts the most at the moment is that I look to the authorities to be exactly what I despise most in the world, anyone who would hurt a child. I have read that some people that were abused go on to abuse others, I cant believe that. if anyone should know what that does to a child it should be someone that has been there. I dont have a lot of money, I am supporting a wife, two daughters, and a granddaughter, I have no idea how I will afford an attourney and yet the thing I am stressing out most over is the fact that to others I am going to look like exactly the thing I most hate. I still have a lot of hate for my abuser. he died recently and it was a slow and painful death. complications from aids, he was a drug seller and user, I guess molesting me was just his warm up to a life spent messing up other people.
I am seeing a mental health professional who has experience not only with adult survivors of molestation but he also treats kids currently dealing with it. He is a saint in my book. I wish I had told someone when it was happening to me. possibly my life would have turned out better, now I am about to put my family through some tough times but they say they understand and are standing by me. I cant get over the feeling that its all my fault, AGAIN. the person who interviewed me when I was being investigated for having stuff on my computer asked me why I had it, he was the first human I ever admitted what happened to me as a kid to,and he had two pieces of advice for me, man to man. he said, tell your family, explain why this is happening, and he said, Get some professional help. I did both things and its turned out to be the one bright spot in this dark dark part of my life. I have not told any other family members yet but it may be unavoidable soon. I am still embarresed that me wife and adult children know. I wonder if they look at me differently? well I have been up all night and it looks as though tommrow is going to be my personel black friday. I guess I just needed to vent to some folks that may know where I am coming from. Wish me luck with my legal battles. Even from the grave he is causing me grief. I guess it never really stops!

Edited by pl1961 (11/17/08 10:44 AM)
Edit Reason: possible trigger

#261560 - 11/14/08 11:00 AM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: pl1961]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Welcome to MS. I am so sorry that you have to find yourself here. This can't have been easy for you to share and I can only commend you for your courage. Take the time you need to become acquainted with the site, read the posts, especially the Survivors Stories Forum, and I believe that you will quickly begin to make connections here with guys that you can realte to, guys who will happily call you friend.

You are not the first man to obsess over what was done to him as a child and you are not the last man to make mistakes because of that obession.

I will think about you today and as you go through this trying ordeal, I will send good thoughts and positive energy your way. Let us know how it turns out for you.

Originally Posted By: pl1961
Its funny how the physical abuse eventually stops. but the mental abuse and related problems never go away.

So true.

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#261608 - 11/14/08 07:12 PM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: pl1961]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, pl1961,
Well let this old boy, welcome you abord, I wish you sunshine after the black part of black friday is over. Oh yes let me welcome you to hell too, we've been there, I still trying to get myself out from all that hell that us lost boys went through, and are still suffering the consequences of it. Let me be your friend, come with us here in this web site, you will find others who will open their hearts and soul to you, you will find compassion, understanding and above all love,right here, right now. So try and have some sunshine, heal well my FRIEND.
Pete (Irishmoose)

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#261626 - 11/14/08 09:40 PM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: petercorbett]
theraven Offline

Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
Welcome. Sorry to here what is going on. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I too was ashamed to tell anyone but now that people know I feel relief. It was a terrible burden to carry and now those who love me are helping to share the load. I still go through times of shame and doubt and wanting to go where no one knows me...but those times are less and less. Maybe soon you will feel the burden lighten. I wish you success in your legal matters.

#261637 - 11/14/08 10:26 PM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: theraven]
pl1961 Offline

Registered: 11/14/08
Posts: 9
Loc: ohio
Thank you to all the nice folks who have replyed to my post. I had to come clean to my brother and my best friend today. very very hard, I hope that I will find friendship and support here. I had a good session with my therapist today and I may even be able to sleep tonight, I hope so. It saddens me that there needs to be a sight like this, but it warms my heart to know it is here. I have a pretty good network of friends but this is just something you dont hang on just anyone. so to all my new friends and friends I havent met yet. Hello, no that is not someone playing the drums, that is my heart about to burst out of my chest! ok deep breaths, deep breaths

#261638 - 11/14/08 10:28 PM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: pl1961]
sunwolf Offline

Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Hello there pl1961 smile...we are all here to help ...wishes you anice journey to recovery smile

#261643 - 11/14/08 11:40 PM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: sunwolf]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Welcome Brother, you are in my prayers. May you and your family come through this healthier and stronger.

Love Wes

Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#261732 - 11/15/08 04:09 PM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: pl1961]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
It saddens me that there needs to be a sight like this, but it warms my heart to know it is here.

The only thing worse than child sexual abuse is the child keeping it a secret. We're here to support you. It helps to talk about it, and people here understand.

My thoughts are with you.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#261769 - 11/15/08 06:38 PM Re: New here, and going through some hell currently [Re: LandOfShadow]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
This is a gr8 site. It's not perfect, but what is. The good thing about using it is you can connect with people who are just like you and know how you feel.

Survivors can't always see the survivor in themselves but can see it in other survivors who are on the journey..that's what's so special about a site like MS is that we can see the survivor in each other where we can't see it in ourselves. We can keep each other going sometimes!

Hope you get a lot out of being here. Welcome.

My Story
My Art


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