So, I ran across this the other day, written several years ago. Someone asked me what it was like...recovering memories.
It is very likely *triggering*
I thought I'd like to put it in here...
Details that I do not want, find their way into my consciousness, invading, penetrate my everyday life now. They sneak in as olfactory memories and like a cancer, metastasize and spread until I can feel it physically. Strange, seemingly insignificant frozen moments in time that can be as simple as a rush of cold air from an open door on a winter day. Where there is warmth behind me but I instinctively raise my hands to protect my face from the burning cold. Close my eyes, turn away. The cold air pushes it’s way into my lungs and steals any chance of a normal breath. Dry, cold, frozen, I shiver and another memory is invited in.
Physical sensations with crystal clarity, except that…I am a little boy.
How odd this feels? To recall, remember, when, while it was happening I could not have told anyone what it felt like to be a little boy. As though I could not feel my body unless someone was touching me. It was not real. But touch, any touch, awakens, ignites a flame that rekindles a fire from ash that I thought could not possibly burn again. No spark, no flame, no fuel left to consume. I realize then, not too late, never too late, that there is a very small piece that I protected. Not with forethought or by design, but not by accident either. This body remembers, sleeping, not dead, under a blanket of memories I chose to keep. Conveniently distorted and twisted to suit my needs. But there…waiting for me, a different truth. A factual truth.
I scream in the darkness until I am gasping for air. One breath, to breathe…but no noise comes out. No one hears, no one cares, no one is there to rescue. I give up. I give in. I can not fight him. I can not win. He does what he came to do, then leaves me in pain, crying for forgiveness. Praying that I will be good next time. I trade everything I have for the chance to be good. Until the only thing I have left are promises I can not possibly keep.
checkin out for a few weeks...