Hi guys. I'm going try the boards again. I don't feel better but I think my hiding was just my shame controlling me. I feel dumb when I'm depressed and I am dumb too because the depression affects my functioning and I feel vulnerable when I'm not thinking well and I want 2 hide.
Since this post is just an announcement so far I might as well save space and give it a subject.
I had to take the bus 2 the hospital a couple days ago and I was in a lot of pain. The bus and the wait room at the hospital were really crowded and I'm no good at tough guy acts when it comes to hard core pain..especially when it's been wearing on me for eight hours.
Today I'm still feeling really triggered from all those people seeing me in so much pain..I don't know why that's so triggering. In my explorations of BDSM I don't find it that way in that kind of setting, but when I'm forced to be in a public place when I'm in pain it seriously feels like getting raped again in a lot of ways.
Every time someone saw me wipe a tear or heard me let out a moan I felt like I was being violated by strangers.
That sounds dramatic, but that's how it feels to me. Maybe the same issue is involved with my wanting to run from everyone when I'm depressed and stay off the boards.
I don't want people seeing me when I'm hurting..but that's just tough. I gotta do what I gotta do to heal just like I had to go to the hospital.(I'm ok, btw, it's just a recurring intestinal condition)
Anyone relate to being super-self-conscious about being in pain?