I went to a co-ed primary school, and was a happy, healthy kid. I had friends, I loved most of the work I did.

Then I was sent to an all-boys private school. The uniform was heavily influenced by WWI British and Australian military uniforms. It was an incredibly stayed institution, steeped in history and actually had a ‘boot camp’ style approach to education. I was miserable here.

It was during this year that my much older cousin, Grant started showing a lot of interest in me. He started wanting to spend time with me when the families came together, which was quite unusual. He had basically ignored until this point. I did look up to him. He was everything that my father wanted me to be, but I just couldn’t be like him. I wasn’t good at the things he was, like shooting and weird scientific experiments. His father fancied himself as some form of industrial chemist, and Grant took on some of these traits.

The next year, we all moved to Queensland, a form of semi-retirement for my father and my mother was in ill-health. Doctors had suggested that the warmer climate and more relaxed atmosphere would be better for my mother. I had a wonderful Christmas holiday with mum that year. Dad bought a business, and left Mum and I to spend time at the beach together, shop and go to coffee shops.

We spent a lot more time with my Uncle, Aunt, Scott and Grant. My sister was much more interested now in spending time with Scott, the eldest cousin, and I felt isolated. Grant wanted to spend time with me, but I didn’t enjoy doing most of the things he did. Grant pushed me in to spending time with him … and I complied. His attitude towards me was becoming scarier to me, and I did mention to Mum that Grant was ‘making’ me do things I didn’t want to, but Mum encouraged me to go along, that I would learn to enjoy doing the things that ‘normal’ boys of my age did. I think they saw Grant as kind of a role model for me.

A few days after my ninth Birthday, his family visited as they did most Sundays. It was an extremely hot day, and we were swimming in the pool and Spa. Mum and Dad were inside the house, and clearly visible to me. Grant turned the spa on and asked me to play a game of hide and seek with him under the water while the spa jets were on. It was fun … and then while we were under the water he started pulling me towards him. He had his penis out, and he was motioning to his mouth. I eventually realised he wanted me to suck it under water. I immediately surfaced and went to the other side of the spa. I was confused about why he would want me to do this, the thought to me was gross. He reached over and pulled me under water and pushed me head in to his crotch. I hadn’t taken much of a breath before he did this and I did think I would drown.

I managed to escape and run to my bedroom. I had run through the house wet, and this enraged my Mother, who scolded me and left me grounded in my room. I locked the door, and cried. I was scared of Grant now. He had looked quite evil when pushing me under water, and he looked incredibly angry that I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. I heard my bedroom door lock being rattled, and hid under the bed. I saw Grant’s feet enter and he closed the door behind him. He found me, dragged me out from under the bed by my hair, and sat me on the edge of the bed. He said if I told anyone about this, he would drown me properly next time. I did believe him. He dropped his towel and he was naked underneath. He pushed his penis to my lips and I kept them clamped shut. He was hitting me now, trying to get me to open my mouth. Then he said if I wouldn’t suck him he would stick his dick in my ass. I had no idea what he was talking about … but I was paralysed with fear. He rolled me over on my tummy and pushed my head in to the pillow. He pulled down my shorts, and spent quite some time trying to force his dick in. When he eventually succeeded, I screamed in pain, and he started punching me around the ears, saying if I kept that up, he would kill me. He kept his hand around my throat from then on, just tight enough so I could still breath a little. I had my eyes wide open the entire time. I remember the brown and white wide striped sheets. I had a large stuffed Koala Bear on my bed and a teddy bear, that was actually a panda bear. They were pushed to one side, and as he thrust in and out of me, I watched them go in and out of view behind my pillow. It was like a surreal game … where are you? Oh, there you are! I felt a sudden warm flood inside me as he thrust harder and deeper, and he wiped himself off, commenting on the mess I had made, and quickly walked out of the room. When I was stressed about something at that age, like when I was in trouble for something, sometimes my vision would blur and the room felt like it was swaying from side to side. This was happening uncontrollably as I lay on the bed in excruciating pain, needing to go to the toilet really badly. I couldn’t hold it in, and held a towel under me while I ran to the bathroom. I was so incredibly ashamed and scared that I had made such a mess.

I didn’t go to the toilet, I had a shower instead. There was so much filth covering me that washing it off in the shower seemed like the best idea. I was still bleeding and needed to get clean. I watched the pink water disappear down the drain for quite some time. I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that I still needed to go to the toilet, but pushing hurt so badly, and made me bleed more, and there didn’t seem to be anything left to push out, but it felt like it. I felt permanently broken, and had no idea if my body would ever be the same again.

I was so tired. I lay on the bathroom floor for a little while and wondered what I could do now. I needed to hide from him, I needed to hide from everybody. The bathroom was bright, and I needed the dark. The room was still shaking from side to side. I couldn’t sit down, it hurt, and I worried about bleeding in my white underwear. I stuffed my pants with toilet paper from the cupboard, and started moving things from the bottom shelf in the bathroom cabinet to the top shelf. Somehow, I was going to hide in this tiny space. I successfully squeezed myself around the drain pipes, closed the doors behind me, and fell asleep in the dark. I felt safe there. No one would ever think that I would fit in there, so they wouldn’t look for me there.

They didn’t find me.

I woke hours later to Mum, Dad and my sister running around the house looking for me. I was still scared and I didn’t want to give up my perfect hiding place. Some time later, I emerged from the cabinet and walked in to the lounge room. They yelled at me, asked me where I’d been, and I told them I’d been playing hide and seek and fell asleep. Dad was so angry he held me upside down by my ankle and kicked me until Mum and my sister managed to get him to stop. Dad was kicking mostly my bottom. Sometimes, he would miss and get me somewhere else, and I was grateful that he was missing because my bottom hurt so much. I did bleed more that night, and my mother must have assumed, if she noticed, that the blood stains in my underwear were from where Dad kicking me I guess. I was covered in bruises the next day and made excuses to my friends that I had been in a fight with the bully at the end of my street. I imagined that he knew what I’d done with Grant and that was why he was so angry.