Im getting kind of scared lately. I keep remembering little snippets of things, like tiny hints at whats happened to me. I remember getting dropped off at a neighbors that was next to the apartment my mom rented a room from all the time. I really hated it, i remember that much. There were two twins and an older sister. I remember one night one of the twins pulled out a knife from the kitchten and was yelling at one of sharons older kids, who was in his 20's. (He would check on us sometimes) I remember the older sister slapping me for saying something. That family was always yelling, and somebody told me i was being overly sensitive or something like that, but i remember he was really screaming, and crying too i think. I remembor too my mom and her friends were at some sort of neighborhood reunion they do every once in a while. One of her alchoholic friends mentioned something about this other woman she knew getting enemas everyday, and laughed about it in front of everyone. That was so fucked up, and i couldnt really say or do anything, i didnt know how. Things like that make me wonder if what im seeing is really real. I felt so gone at that moment, like i was in another world. I know about DID and MPD, but i dont like thinking about it because i doubt myself too much to look at it objectively. I keep thiking everybody is just another voice in my head, and that doesnt help me at all.
Im about to remember a major shitstorm, but i dont think its going to happen full force till i leave. At least i hope not.
Sometimes when my mom kisses her boyfriend i feel jealous, and i remember the first few times she got another boyfriend besides my dad i was really upset. Once when i was in the car with her she asked me if i was okay with it or something, and she was pleading with me not to make her choose between us. My brother seemed kind of possesive of her too, once i remember the only time he ever hit me was when he slapped me for calling my mom a bitch.
I remember something with a suppository with my mom when i was 14, like i mentioned earlier, but im not really ready to talk about it yet. But i want people to know it happened.
Something more horrible than what my brother did to me, and that one incident with the suppository happened. I just feel it. But whatever it is it cant be any worse than what ive put myself through because of it. Im so tired of humiliting myself, i havent done anything like that for a while now, and the last few times i let myself have those fantasies, it wasnt as traumatic. If i deal with it ill be free, the way i feel free of the abuse at the hands of my brother.
All this time ive wondered why things went so well with him, why i felt so much empathy. I think its because we went through something else, much worse, probably together.
I get so scared that i abused someone else sometimes. I did some creepy things, but i never remember hurting anyone like i was. If i did anything to my cousins, or any other kid, id die.
I remember i tied up my cousin danny once with duck tape, but i didnt touch him, and he sounded more like he was having fun, than scared. When the rest of the family saw us i felt guilty as hell, like i might have done something to him, but i dont think i did. I think i just felt scared that i might have. Another time he tied me up with my socks, when my cousin was there. He stuffed another pair of my socks down my pants, and since i was so into masochism and stuff, i couldlnt help myself and got an erection from being tied up. My cousin kelly was there and i was scared, but we were really giddy. He kept goofing off and he pulled off my pants, and i was really embarressed and told him to stop. I know nothing probably happened, but i get scared that maybe im not remembering it right like al lthe other things that happen to me.
Another time my other cousin kelly and i were supposed to share a bed, and i really didnt want to, at my grandmothers. I felt aroused, i dont think i touched myself while she was there, but i might have, but i dont remember touching her which is whats most important. I ended up stealing her panties and jerking off into them in the bathroom. I had to explain that i spilled something onto them the next morning, and was trying to wash it out before it stained. Even if was in the same bed, touching myself, id feel horrible for doing that. I know kelly felt uncomfortable about sharing a bed after that, not that it wouldnt be inappropriate anyways. Calling them up and making sure i didnt do anything, or if i did, making amends, is on my lengthy to do list. Its right after calling up my uncle and telling him to keep his kids away from my mom, who, even if they dont believe is a mother who molested her own child, is an alchoholic and a herion addict. He and my aunt seem like the type of people who would understand that, my aunt worked at a womens shelter, and my uncle owns a vw bus and is a total peacenik hippy type. After i (hopefully) get my license today (tuesday), i think ill give them a call. Maybe if all goes well i can rent a place on his couch or something. Only problem is, he lives kind of far away, even if he is willing to do that. Im pretty sure he wont want to expose his kids to my mom, either way. As for preparing for the worse, (not believing me), i dont know what the hell i'll do, i guess ill just have to come to that bridge when i cross it.
Well thats enough for now, time for drug induced slumber. (ambien) works well, but im almost out, and sometimes i need to take to to get to sleep. If it comes between sleeping with a pill and not sleeping at all, ill take the pill.
Goodnight everybody, i hope you all live well.