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#25918 - 08/07/05 01:14 AM Personality disorder
redman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/12/05
Posts: 9
Loc: UK
I've done a lot of research into myself and my personality and I am well aware I am different from most people, partially as a result of abuse, partially maybe just me.

The problem is that as an effect of being sexually abused I am beginning to think I am suffering from Schizoid Personality Disorder.

I know my parents and sister are concerned by my extreme introversion, cynicism and paranoid behavior.

Just waiting at the train station to go to work, with so many people about (especially women) leaves me feeling like a guitar string about to snap and I can feel my head 'buzzing' like it does when I'm about to have an epileptic seizure.

The only thing I want is to be left alone to study, and the fact that my family worry about this has me concerned.

I'm at a dead end. I don't want to waste time with a doctor who will just say 'take some of these and come back in six months', nor do I wish to carry on going through the paranoia and bouts of near catatonic depression that hit me every few weeks (the stress of which often makes me have epileptic fits).

I'm tearing my hair out as I don't know what to do.

I just want to be alone and stop the anxiety attacks and paranoia (paranoia which cost me several jobs). I don't hate people, I just feel better being alone.

*bangs his head against the wall in frustration*

I'm struggling to understand what is happening in my head.

I wish I was more articulate. I sound like a hypochondriac.

Should I go back to the doctor? Is it worth it? Counselling achieved nothing.

I'm confused (you may have noticed).

#25919 - 08/07/05 03:52 AM Re: Personality disorder
PhillyPa Offline

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I matched up on Schizoid Personality traits as well. I took the tests online from different sources.
I write just to say I relate. I'm told self diagnosing isnt good, etc.
I dont trust doctors anymore because of the whole free-market, capitalist thing. In other words, I feel they are more motivated by money than by going to any extremes to help you out.
Like you, im anxious around others and feel better alone. Except, I really dont want to be alone but I also dont want to "bleed on other people" (know what I mean?). I have to spare myself from the hardship of facing another perception of my past, the inevitable sadness from even the smallest trace of history is too much.
If I felt this bad from being abused, why should any other feel this way?
Its like holding on to something that someone wants, or like a wound you cant show others because it will either make them run away or offer assistance - which, is not the kind of relationship i see myself having at this time.
(No, thats a lie- actually, i do want this relationship with someone - except with someone whose been there!)
The other traits of schizoid personality: of paranoia. Nothing is a conspiracy theory to me. All that can go wrong has. In my most sarcastic voice: "They need victims like us to make society docile" or "Wheres the inspiration to be a therapists if theres no one that needs therapy" then theres this one: "We need to keep a close eye on men who were abused because they usually turn out to be criminals" - yes, they are watching me....

I dont plan on doing anything about this condition other than keeping it locked away in the box where all the other baddies of life are stored.

As far as being a hypochondriac, ive got about 3 medical books where ive found myself having illnesses where I shouldve been dead by now.
I blame this on having to find my own way. Maybe thats with you? I dont know cause you said you got people worried about you. In my case, i'm the worrier for others and if they ever started to worry they'de rationalize ide be able to deal with it. It's true only because ive built that relationship with walls and masks. In other words, i'll give them no sign of damage.

Damn this was a long post. I dont blame you if you didnt read the whole thing.
But, good luck.

Who is this doing the synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic funkin?

#25920 - 08/08/05 06:18 AM Re: Personality disorder
aardvark Offline

Registered: 07/06/05
Posts: 38
Loc: new york

I dont know anything about schizoid persoanlitygobledygook. But i have been in therapy for about a year now. I didnt really notice at first weather it helped, but looking back on it I find I am a more centered person. If you really feel like counceling acheived nothing, you were probubly going to the wrong counselor. I realize that I am in the fortunate position that my health insurance pays for my therapy(well all but the $20 co-pay wich kinda hurts), I think if you can get the therapy take it. The worst thing that can come of it is you get someone listening to you for an hour at a time (which i have taken advantage of, spending one or two sessions just ranting about work or home life.) I wish you much luck in your healing.


"You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

#25921 - 08/08/05 07:48 PM Re: Personality disorder
redman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/12/05
Posts: 9
Loc: UK
Thanks for the good wishes guys.

The one thing I dislike most is waiting at the train station in the morning (paranoia occasionally triggering brief 'strange' episodes later due to stress overload), closely followed by walking down the street.

Not that anyone would notice anything by looking at me though, although my colleagues at work give me some stick for being so humourless and an extreme introvert I know them well enough that I can laugh with them, although after a day at work I have an almost agressive need to be alone all evening to clean my mind of people.

As for the 'strange' episodes, I can look back and see where I was totally OTT with the paranoia and almost out of touch with reality.

Still... nothing like a good read to help recharge. Tune out of Planet Earth and being somewhere else for a while.

Best wishes to you too guys.

#25922 - 08/08/05 09:22 PM Re: Personality disorder
puppy Offline

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
i think seeing a doctor is step one. ive taken a few courses on mood and personality disorders, and im not by any means an expert but it doesnt sound like schizoid PD to me. thats the danger of self diagnosing. the measures they use to diagnose personality disorders are far more in depth than taking a short quiz online or checking off a list of symptoms. soid strongly suggest you double check with a doctor before labelling yourself.


#25923 - 08/09/05 02:39 AM Re: Personality disorder
TheHermit Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 43
Loc: USA
Well Redman, I can sympathize with that. I spent 4 years reading about nearly every disorder and syndrome in the book, fearing I had each and everyone. (maybe that's just a sign of paranoia, j/k) When I finally discovered the answer a few months ago. I discovered that all of these symptoms can be "merely" related to CSA. I had never imagined that CSA could cause all of the problems I had been suffering with all through life. (didn't even attribute any problems to CSA. I thought it was just something relatively harmless that happened to me once, and was all over years ago) And this could be the same with yourself - these "symptoms" could be just a result of CSA.

The important thing to remember is that these "syndromes" and "disorders" are simply a group of symptoms found in a person - a way to describe that specific group of symptoms. (A label) It's not a physical thing, not an actual thing in itself. I would just worry about the symptoms and not the labels themselves, if that all makes any sense to you.

And I suffer (alot lot less now) from the social phobias, anxieties, and paranoias myself. And would just rather be left alone, by myself. I have been trying to work on these things as best I can. Increasing my self-esteem with exercise, a better diet, and weightlifting. Trying to aquire the body I have always wanted. And other things, such as working on Assertiveness, which is something I have always lacked. Allowing me to stand up for myself, and my rights, instead of letting people run over me, or use me. My life has dramatically changed as a result of these things. I feel better (physically and mentally), and look better - people are more accepting of me, respectful to me, nicer to me, and people (especially women \:\) ) notice me more. It's like a new world that was always there and I never saw it before. The mind truly can change your reality. (what a cliche) And another cliche that helps is to remember that you are not so different from everyone else. We are just like them, and they are just like us.

I say try dealing with these individual symptoms, as they are the real problem. Not some label. True you may have a certain disorder or syndrome, but it most likely is just symptoms of your CSA haunting you. Though I certainly would not deter you from getting any professional help that you can recieve whatever the case may be. Hopefully my words have been of some help. Good Luck.

#25924 - 08/14/05 01:20 AM Re: Personality disorder
redman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/12/05
Posts: 9
Loc: UK
That was a very good and enlightening post, TheHermit.

As you say, perhaps this is due to CSA. Counselling didn't work, maybe the next step is therapy. I'll try seeing my doctor some time I think.


1) Paranoia: This is more accurately described as acute self-conciousness. To cure? I don't know. Gradual exposure?

2) Hypersensitivity: no idea how to tackle this, it may be genetic.

3) depression: not too bad, I usually ignore it succesfully unless I am about to have an epileptic fit or having a bad spell.

4) Desire to be alone: It's just me. If I was an ordinary person I'd be out down the pub on a saturday night. I prefer to study and read (Raymond E. Feist, Serpent War Saga at the moment).

The only problem is this: I have no desire to be like everyone else, I still want to spend my time alone, I just want to be able to go to work in the morning without anxiety problems. I don't want people coming into my life and I don't want anything to do with women.

I take anti-epileptic medication, and it has unpleasant side effects (can activate latent psychosis, blood disorders (fatal) are side effects, albeit rare)

But... reading up on things, many people who have temporal lobe epilepsy can be eccentric to a degree (extreme example is Vincent van Gough).

Maybe time to see the doctor.

Thanks for the good wishes, and best of luck to you too.


#25925 - 08/18/05 08:34 AM Re: Personality disorder
TheHermit Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 43
Loc: USA
Though i've been over most of these disorders and syndromes, I didn't remember that exact one. So I looked up Schizoid Personality Disorder in the DSM-IV-TR book (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition Text Revision) to better understand exactly what disorder you were talking about. I myself can relate to nearly every aspect of that disorder, with the exceptions of: I do desire sexual experience. I'm not indifferent to approval or criticism of others, usually, but rather (as you say) hypersensitive to it. (or perceived slights by others)And I feel joy, and definitely feel anger.

But the most important thing about this disorder (in your case) in the DSM is (there's always an exception list) "Schizoid Personality Disorder should not be diagnosed if..............or it is due to the direct physiological effects of a neurological (e.g., temporal lobe epilepsy) [emphasis mine] or other general medical condition (Criterion B)"

I was previously unaware of your epilepsy, but as stated here, those symptoms could be related to your condition. In my case I think the symptoms stem from my sexual abuse, and my "feeling different", isolating myself for fear of being hurt by others etc. etc... Things I have (unfortunately) learned as a means of survival in this "cruel" world that i've experienced. Having the CSA and the epilepsy could be compounding these symptoms in your case, i'd think.

#25926 - 08/18/05 07:54 PM Re: Personality disorder
redman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/12/05
Posts: 9
Loc: UK
That's quite true, r.e. epilepsy. I am aware that in the build up to a grand-mal seizure I have weird mood swings, bordering on psychotic at times, but in the 'long dry spell' between seizures things are more 'ordinary' paranoid/avoidant.

I myself have no interest in sexual activity at all. I have an unhealty obsession with reading (esp. fantasy literature) and studying (I read over 1500 to 2000 pages a week).

Emotions... I only feel emotions 'by proxy', as it were, when engrossed in a story I'm hooked on, except for anxiety, paranoia and the pre-/post-ictal epilepsy shadows.

I've never thought much about that before, and the temporal lobe of the brain is involved in memory and emotion (closely linked to the limbic system). Interesting.

#25927 - 08/20/05 01:34 AM Re: Personality disorder

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
I do understand abbout feeling like that you are loosing your mind .
I was told several years ago that I was passive agresive and was some what bi-polar
But I believe that being raped my another man .And then being told to get over it can cause a great deal of stress to your mind .
My rape happened almost 29 years ago . it caused such a problem that I represed the memory for almost 25 years .They have ben treating me for about 10 years for extream depresion and anger issues . In 2002 I finaly snaped and got to spend 15 days in the Veterans hospital in Oklahoma City . What caused this break down
was that in looking through a army discharge med exam I found record of a restal gouge . this opened up the memory of being raped in the army
and every sense i have 5 tines the trouble that I had before.



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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