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#259135 - 10/31/08 03:57 AM Re: Male examinations since I am over 50 [Re: Trucker51]
mcd Offline

Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 2
Loc: United States
Hey guys,

All that is being put out here is courageously wonderful. We are so lucky to have each other to run these very real life experiences off of. I recall having some repair work done (the result of my ongoing destructive behaviors... repeating the abuse) and although I was not really alone, I was completely null and void of any feelings. I know now just reading in on this discussion that I was shutting down. Too ashamed to really take stock in what had come of my own physical well being and unable to express(afraid) what really was going through my mind. We can share the overwhelming drive to survive that we all exhibit on these pages. Helping us on our journeys by being strong together, simply by having this safe place to chat and find a kinship that supports those scary places within us all. It makes being alive worth something again... something worth taking care of. Remember to take that big breathe in and exhale that smile, it will all be good!

Blessings to all, keep connected... and remember we are all pebbles together!
JA Kirkridge 08

#259158 - 10/31/08 11:46 AM Re: Male examinations since I am over 50 [Re: mcd]
Legendre Offline

Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
I'm 49, and recently had traces of blood in my urine AND my semen. I totally and completely freaked out . . . was absolutely sure that something from my past acting out had finally caught up with me, and that I would be exposed for the creepy pervert that I still struggle to believe I'm NOT. One of the problems with that thinking was that it's been over twelve years since I've had any sexual contact with another person, including my wife. So my rational self had to come to the rescue, and remind me that I was guilty of nothing, that my health was at risk, and that I needed to see a doctor (which meant that I also needed to tell my wife). (Sidenote: I'm amazed again and again to discover that my shame buttons are still so easily accessed. The setup for a CSA survivor to feel responsible for anything screwy or strange is just incredible.)

Anyway, I went to the family doc, and told him, not only about the bleeding, but also about my emotional reaction, and my CSA issues. I really thought he was going to cry. I did cry. I could not believe his compassion. This wonderful man, in his mid-thirties, did an amazing job of validating me, comforting me, and reassuring me that my issues had nothing to do with any wrongdoing on my part. His words were so warm and loving, I felt like I was in my therapist's office. He told me about the tests which would be necessary, he very gently informed me that I would need a rectal exam, and told me to take my time preparing myself. The exam was quick, and without pain. To be thorough, he also sent me to a urologist, AND he briefed the urologist before my appointment. Again, I was shocked by the uro's compassion, and the gentle way that he made several invasive procedures seem noninvasive.

Ultimately, we found that I had a bad kidney stone, and all is well now physically, but I cannot say enough about the benefits of informing the medical professionals from whom we seek help. They're just people trying to do a job, not monsters . . . and the majority of them are drawn to their professions out of a desire to do good.

Best wishes to all of you on your journey,

Vocatus, atque non vocatus, Deus aderit. (Bidden, or not bidden, God is present. -- carved over Carl Jung's front door)

#259300 - 11/01/08 01:36 AM Re: Male examinations since I am over 50 [Re: Legendre]
Tinman Offline

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Ok, after getting a lot of support and understanding about this, I finally saw my Doc about the DRE for the prostate.

It didn't go well.

He said the minute he tried to insert the finger I started bleeding profusely. I could hear in his voice there was something wrong when he told the nurse to get a basin.

What I have never told anyone, ever, is that I have always bled from the anus since the thing happened. If I go to the bathroom for a bowel movement more than once a day, the tissue has always had blood after the first time.

I am embarrased and humiliated that he had to see this. He was good about out it, but that doesn't make it easier.

He is the new PCP and seems to get it. What he is telling me is that I am too violent when trying to clean myself and that's why I always bleed. He says there is nothing wrong internally, but that I am just ripping myself constantly.

I called my T and told him what happpened. He has some psycho babble to explain it but told me to go back to the PCP. He said that I am trying to "wipe away" what happened to me and that is what is responsibile.

Dr. Phan is really, really kind about all of this. He told me what to do to try and address this bleeding thing and I have hope it will stop. And to hold off on any invasive procedures until this is under control.

I guess I was a little less than fully honest with you guys about the secondary reason I did not want to have this done. I am so embarrased. I wasn't lying to you. I just didn't want anyone to know about this part of it.

"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

#259515 - 11/01/08 07:40 PM Re: Male examinations since I am over 50 [Re: Tinman]
Legendre Offline

Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
My dear sweet, injured man, who really DOES have a heart,

If your doctor's diagnosis, and your therapist's theories are accurate, you have company. During the months surrounding the surfacing of my sexual abuse memories, I began scrubbing my scalp until there was blood under my fingernails, brushed my teeth until the gums on my lowers receded (cosmetic fillings fixed this later), and I washed my genitals so roughly that I often bruised my testicles. It took some intense rational emotive therapy to get me through that phase, and that's when I began the habit of journaling thoughts that left me feeling dirty -- a habit that has been consistent for 17 years.

Be gentle with yourself, my friend. The filth was someone else's. And if I've presumed anything, or spoken out of turn, please forgive. I speak in the spirit of empathy.

Take care,

Vocatus, atque non vocatus, Deus aderit. (Bidden, or not bidden, God is present. -- carved over Carl Jung's front door)

#284874 - 04/22/09 06:08 AM Re: Male examinations since I am over 50 [Re: Tinman]
Chey-Wy Offline

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 245
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Hey Everyone, I'm glad I came in here tonight.

I have been having a lot of stomach pain and my family doctor recomended that I see an internest.

The internest ordered an ultrasound and a colonoscopy. The ultra sound went well, but when they called me today and told me they wanted to change my colonoscopy from in office to in hospital under general anesthesia I got somewhat concerned that they had found something in the ultra-sound.

I Finally called the office back and talked to the gal I had talked to earlier. She told me she would have the doctor call me later, which he did.

I had called his office after the consultation and told his nurse that I "didn't know if it would be a problem ... but I felt there was something I thought the doctor should know..... and told her that I had been raped when I was younger." I asked if I needed to talk to the doctor before the procedure and she said just to tell him the day of the procedure ...... WRONG ADVICE.

When the doctor called me back he told me that he switched me to general anesthesia because the nurse had given him a note about the rape .... he also told me that ANY RAPE victim should tell their doctor before such a procedure. We talked a little about the rape ... and while I am still nerveous as hell .. I do trust him.

As far as the digital exams go .....My family doctor and I have a VERY GOOD understanding of each other .... when he was finished ... I looked up at him and said .... You have nice technique for a straight man." He turned BRIGHT RED .... but it did help to ease some of the tension .. and also knowing I might make a smart remark when he was done .. relaxed me

From "Lion King" "The Circle of Life" with Lyrics

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion] (Repeat)

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [As lion and a leopard come to this open place]

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