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#258692 - 10/29/08 04:22 AM discouragement
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Although there are times when I can top, I can not count on just any old time being one of those times. It depends on who I'm with, how comfortable I am with him/her and how active my PTSD/SA issues are.

So, outside of long a long term relationship with someone who's really compatable which I have yet to find, I am limited 2 bottoming with men. That can b fulfilling, but that 2 lately seems to be an impossibility.

Last week I posted an add online for a male top. After the flakes had all flaked out and one guy who misrepresented
himself got weeded out I was left with one guy. That guy asked 2 many questions and was able to figure out from my answers that I was an SA survivor.

I will credit him with not just disappearing the moment he knew. He actually allowed me to meet him and he did make a great effort to make me feel safe and comfortable, but when it came down to what I went there for actually happening,..well it didn't.

He ended up just jacking me off in a way that made my penis sore and made it look like the Michelin man. He's a really sweet and sexy guy and I rarely am attracted 2 older guys like I was 2 him, but it seemed to me as though he looked at the idea of fucking me as re abusing me somehow.

Of the guys who don't just disappear when they find out, take away the ones who want to tie me up or fist me or do some other thing that I just can't allow, and take away the guys who, for whatever the reason, just can't bring themselves to fuck an SA survivor and how many are left?

And how do I find this select few? Until yesterday I thought I could get by by keeping my SA a secret, but that often seems to be a lot trickier than just not volunteering information.

I'm just really discouraged right now. I've also been unable lately 2 get the medication I need 2 keep my depression under control and tomorrow I'm going to a cemetery 2 c my mom's ashes put into the ground and after that I'm scheduled to spend some time with my family, but I'm going 2 b 2 depressed 2 b much in the way of company.

I just don't know how I'm going 2 find the strength 2 get through the next couple of days. I just don't want 2 face life anymore.



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#258701 - 10/29/08 04:51 AM Re: discouragement [Re: blueshift]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Doug,

Sorry you're facing so much stuff like this in the next few days, it sure is a lot to have on the plate all at once. I don't have any real answers, but wanted you to know you're heard and that I'll be thinking of you over the next few days. Try to get through it all as best you can, and take care of yourself. It's hard, I know, but I also know you can do it.

_________________________
Eddie

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#258710 - 10/29/08 08:12 AM Re: discouragement [Re: blueshift]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
Hey blueshift,

I'm just starting to date again, and have my first date in over three years on Friday. I also haven't had sex in over three years, because my PTSD/CSA gets so triggered. My therapist is encouraging me in this, but wants me to take it very slow and be cautious, which I don't know how to do. It's like I'm either overly shy or overly affectionate.

I feel like I have to tell other men I'm a survivor if we begin developing any sort of intimacy, including friendship, because it's such a big issue for me. I've scared a number of guys off by being so forward with my CSA stuff, but I figure better sooner than later-- better to feel rejection now than get hurt later. I also have big boundary and trust issues feel I have to be upfront about that in order to protect myself.

Luckily I live in the gayborhood of a big city, so I've been able to find a community of gay men who accept me as I am, and this guy I'm going out with Friday is from that group. I'm feeling very emotionally needy right now and my inclination is to do whatever I need to do to get this guy to be with me. At least I'm aware of this. I can't handle being alone anymore-- I've been alone so long. Maybe this isn't the healthiest mindframe to go into this relationship with, but I'm so tired of being so clinical in every decision I make (I said that to my therapist today and she reeled me back in to therapeutic reality, but it's still how I feel).

I would want you to take care of yourself, blueshift. Maybe I should take my own advice.

Liri

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

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#258744 - 10/29/08 12:50 PM Re: discouragement [Re: blueshift]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
well doug i don't want to face life without you in it, typing your blue-ness into the computer screen sprinkled with 2's every other word. crazy

seriously tho doug, maybe a sexual partner is not the solution for your woes right now.

i don't know what is, and i feel like i just wanna fly over there and give you a tickle to make you feel better. well, i'll give you a cyber hug, even tho you're probably not even in the mood for one right now.

.................((((((( doug! ))))))))

if possible please try not to let the feelings go to your head. please find someone to be with, just to have company.

i don't know what else to say, the distance between us makes me feel powerless to do anything to help.

your friend,

ron

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Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC


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#258762 - 10/29/08 02:03 PM Re: discouragement [Re: Sans Logos]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Doug,

I have no answers for you. It's a bitch to discover how important sex is by likewise discovering what problems we still have with it. I'll just say that I hear you and I wish you all the best.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#258778 - 10/29/08 03:44 PM Re: discouragement [Re: roadrunner]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
I can relate to this...I like older top men...but I know it might come from my abuse...many times it triggers and then i get into this "boy-like" pattern that i act like i am a boy again..i odn't know but it seems is hard to find a MS thats a top...who knows..maybe...bottomlinhe is that sex is important to me as well as a loving partner...


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#258781 - 10/29/08 03:51 PM Re: discouragement [Re: sunwolf]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
I absolutely cannot top with a man. It's as though I am completely devoid of virility when I'm with a man. And yeah, I too revert to a boy-like state, as though I stopped evolving at the age of eleven.

So, my question is : How do I catch up to my current age and express my sexuality in an adult and responsable way?

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My Story 1
My Story 2
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#258788 - 10/29/08 04:15 PM Re: discouragement [Re: roadrunner]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
Doug,

I really thought long and hard about this post.

Love will come find you! I was not looking for it and it came up and smacked me on the fanny. In fact, I was concentrating hard on my healing when it came up and said hello. Now, I am content with having someone that deeply cares about me. I am still exploring what that fully means, so don't ask no detailed questions! LOL

I really encourage you to focus on healing. Only through doing that was I able to recognize when love was there, instead of comparing it to my abuse.

If you're in it just for the sex, I would guess go to the Red Light district? No help there, sorry!

You always have had my best wishes, Mr. Shift laugh

Brian

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#258816 - 10/29/08 06:22 PM Re: discouragement [Re: LN3(SS)]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Thanx 4 the replies guys. Well there is one bit of good news. As I was typing that post yesterday I somehow had in mind that it was Wed but it was only Tues. So that means I have 1 more day 2 get squared away with my meds b4 the burial and my visit with family.

I guess the idea of keeping it a secret about my SA is pretty much doomed 2 fail. I have kept it secret in the past, but only through superficial one nighters and if I really like somebody then it's probably better if that person knows the truth sooner instead of later.

A little over a month ago I fell head over heels 4 a really hot 25 yo woman who told me she was attracted 2 me and who shared many things in common with me. But after we had been talking about sex 4 a while I started thinking it might b best to let her know about the rape and it's effects on me.

Only about 15 minutes later she made an excuse 4 having 2 leave and that was the end of it. I decided after that never 2 tell my secret again, but now having had that strategy completely fail, I just feel hopeless about it all.

I suppose I might b just getting over-discouraged. Not every1 is into bondage and it was my having 2 answer about whether I was that gave me away about my abuse. But I just don't know if trying 2 keep it secret is a good idea even if it does work as far as getting laid goes.

I sort of feel like if someone is likely 2 reject me bcuz of my abuse then they just don't deserve 2 know the truth. I feel like that character in "a few good men" who said "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!". But if I get into a relationship with sum1 who lasts longer than 1 night, it's hard to see me carrying on with the relationship with that bitter "you can't handle the truth" attitude.

At some point I need 2 find sum1 who CAN handle the truth. I guess it's that part that seems most discouraging bcuz I don't feel like there a lot of those kind of people out there. frown



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#258819 - 10/29/08 06:32 PM Re: discouragement [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
BTW Ron, I'm ALWAYS in the mood 4 a cyberhug and thanx 4 that. I hope my use of shorthand typing isn't hard 2 read. I figured if I'm going 2 visit chat very much I need every advantage I can find as far as typing faster, so I'm trying 2 get in2 the habit of saving keystrokes anywhere I can. eek


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