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#258055 - 10/26/08 05:40 PM My wife over my shoulder
Legendre Offline

Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Since joining this website a few days ago, I've been almost obsessed with reading the forums. I've told my wife repeatedly how wonderful the near real time affirmation seems (as opposed to distant case studies in books, stories shared at workshops, and interviews in documentaries). Today she said that she wants to join the website -- says that she has issues, too, since she has been married to a survivor for 27 years. I just nodded and acknowledged her feelings, but I'm actually FREAKING OUT on the inside! If she joins (and she already knows my sceen name), I fear that she will read every post that I make, and I will be right back in the hiding. So far, in the few posts I've written, I've been open and honest. I feel that if she's reading, I'll have to edit myself . . . not because I wish to lie to her, but because I've found there is a different level of sharing among survivors. There is no explaining required; there's sort of a learned shorthand among us, and I simply don't want to have to explain everything I write. Already, I'm required by healthy recovery guidelines to avoid saying things in a way that might trigger myself or other survivors. Now I'm feeling that I would have to add another layer of editing. Recovery writing is exhausting enough, but to have to add another set of rules?! Is it wrong to say (lovingly) to my wife, "Find your own website."?


Vocatus, atque non vocatus, Deus aderit. (Bidden, or not bidden, God is present. -- carved over Carl Jung's front door)

#258059 - 10/26/08 05:46 PM Re: My wife over my shoulder [Re: Legendre]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
steve, can you afford the membership fee? if so, as a member, you can post certain thoughts in the members only section. then she can log in with her own screen name, access only the public forums, and you can log in with yours, ensuring a bit of privacy on the members side.

i suggest posting your question in the 'family and friends' forum for maximum exposure to others who share this same dilemma. maybe you will receive a lot of good insight there as well.

wishing you the best dear brother,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#258147 - 10/26/08 10:42 PM Re: My wife over my shoulder [Re: Sans Logos]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?

If having your wife on the site is causing you this much angst, I think you need to stand up for yourself and politely and respectfully request that she use a different site to seek out help for 'her' issues.

This place is for Male Survivors first, friends and families second.

Ron also has a great suggestion about paying for membership on your account. This will give you access to the Members' forum which cannot be accessed by friends & family accounts.

Never the less, asking for this place to be 'your place' isn't an unreasonable request.



#258367 - 10/27/08 11:32 PM Re: My wife over my shoulder [Re: frost]
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia

I second (and third) the suggestion about joining as a Member and perhaps asking your wife to use another site. If she really wants to support you then she should give you the privacy you need here at MS. As has been said, itís for us men then others if appropriate.

Another thought? As youíve only made a few posts under your screen name perhaps you can abandon that one and create another one that you donít advise your wife of. If you feel youíve made a connection with some men here you can send them a PM (private message) to advise them of you new screen name. Donít past publically what it is otherwise that will defeat the purpose. Also leave off the Ďfrom Texasí thing as it will make it harder for people to guess where youíre from. I think USA would suffice, and thatís if you even wish to mention where you are from. Nobody here really cares where you are from. Weíre interested but it doesnít matter.

I do hope somehow that you can continue to share here in a way that you need to. By the way, donít be scared about posting things that may trigger others. I you need to talk about that kind if stuff please do so. Just remember to use the **Trigger** warnings. That way those that feel able to read can reply to such post.

#258404 - 10/28/08 12:49 AM . [Re: Grunty1967b]
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC


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