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#25731 - 03/02/05 12:19 AM revisiting old wounds
self_righting Offline

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
Hi guys. This is my first post after lurking for a couple of weeks. This post might be a little long.
I haven't dealt with my issues in a while - thought I'd gone through 'em all. Guess I was wrong. I was in therapy for two years and it really helped - both group and one-on-one. I made a lot of progress. After college I could no longer afford therapy and moved on with my life - sort of. I got married after deciding I had worked through most of my issues but something has happened recently which has made all the old wounds fresh again.

A litttle about my background. My parents divorced when I was 2. Both were alcoholics and emotional wrecks - and continue to be to this day. My mother remarried an ex-marine who was very abusive toward me - verbal, emotional and physical. I was an easy mark - shy, wounded and isolated. Anyway, at age 10 an older teenage boy befriended me and molested me over the summer. This led to all sorts of issues which are better discussed in the sexual identity forum. Lately, I've been acting out - returning to some bad habits and behaviors which aren't appropriate for a married man. I don't want to hurt my wife or our marriage but... you know how hard it can be to resolve some of those old issues.
Let me cut to the chase. I recently learned that I have a rare medical condition and will never be able to father a child. Not to whine but after all that I've been through this latest injury is just too much. I've wanted to be a father sice I was about 15. Now, I find all my old injuries coming back and it appears that I'll have to revisit some of my past problems and hurts. I'm considering going back to therapy now that I can afford it. Well, that is my story in nutshell. I look forward to talking with you here on the forums.

#25732 - 03/02/05 12:30 AM Re: revisiting old wounds
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Self-righting welcome to our humble home. I am truly sorry for why you are here but you can now consider it your home to. There is no more need to lurk.

I guess by now you have found that they people here are really great. And all here for the same reason. No condemnation or prejudice or racism of any kind just hope, help and some laughter.

I have been married for 38 years this summer and for a good number of those I acted out. I put myself and my wife and daughter at risk. You are not alone.

You know the physical act of fathering is just that; a biological transaction. But being a father is so much more. It is nurturing, teaching, guarding, exploring new worlds and adventure, being a role model, giving love freely and all the other good things. There are ways of becoming a father without the biological transaction first. Just a thought.



#25733 - 03/02/05 02:58 AM Re: revisiting old wounds
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Your nickname says different things to me, because I tried to 'self right' myself for many years, and it didn't work. All I did was try the same 'answers' to the same questions that I kept asking myself, they didn't work the first time I tried them, so the chances of them working again and again were about zero.
Therapy led me to new answers, and some new questions.

Your new situation of not being able to father a child will almost certainly raise many new questions for you, and from my own experience I know that when I was stressed out by some problem I would act-out.

Since I started therapy about 6 or 7 years ago I haven't gone through with any acting-out impulses. I'm still a part of a men's therapy group, and it helps me a great deal. We don't limit our discussions to our sex abuse either, we dump all of our crap there!

If you can go back to therapy then I would think it would benefit you. You're facing new questions which deserve new answers.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#25734 - 03/02/05 06:04 AM Re: revisiting old wounds
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I can relate to a lot of what you say. I've had the opposite reaction when it comes to having kids. But I know how important it is to a lot of men to have one.

I'm absolutely determined to stop my acting out. That's why I came here, too. Facing the past and my feelings now is a whole lot healthier than the alternatives. Write your heart here and know that you're with a bunch of us all fighting the same fight. My desired relationship with my wonderful wife and the life I long to have don't include my acting out. And if it takes posting on here every day and staying in therapy until I'm 112, then that's what I'll do.

Hang in there. And I'd agree with what Mike said. There's a whole lot of unwanted kids out there. You could still be a great father. I personally choose to be a great uncle.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#25735 - 03/02/05 06:23 PM Re: revisiting old wounds
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Though I personally agree with you becoming a father without father one, I must also add that it should be attempted only after you have cleared up enough space in your life to receive and nurture a new life.

Allow nature's wisdom speak to you. Allow it to first heal you and prepare the ground for the baby to arrive.

I am sure you'd make a great father!

all the best,

~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

#25736 - 03/02/05 10:04 PM Re: revisiting old wounds
self_righting Offline

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL

Thanks for the support. I know that being a father has little to do with the biological factors but I am the only male offspring in my family so there is a lot of pressure for me to pass on the family line. Well, that isn't going to happen now so I am disappointed and bitter. I do realize that I can still be a great father and I intend to pursue those options. I think what bothers me the most is that life seems so unfair and unbalanced. I've been through so much - we all have in this forum - it felt like life was finally working out. I got married, finished grad school, got a job... I got lax and wasn't prepared for this setback. I thought I was at a point where my issues were under control. Now I know that you have to constantly work on these things to keep your balance. You can't get lazy or you won't be ready for the next challenge...and there will be a next! There is no justice. I realize now that you have to make your own reality and that there is no real "fairness" in the galaxy. We just have to strive to be good humans and to protect those we love.

#25737 - 03/06/05 04:32 PM Re: revisiting old wounds
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here

Welcome, and I am sorry that you have to be here, what has been done to you. I can relate, to the emotional/verbal/physical abuses in the family, and the sexual abuse outside of the family. Both circumstances bring their own issues.

I am also sorry to hear of your medical condition. I am sure that the depression from that has triggered a lot of emotion inside of you. I hope that as you are here, you are able to work with it and feel a bit better of things, and maybe look at other options in your life.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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