how do you deal with it. how do you fix years of scar tisue that keeps poping up and F#$%ing up your life in every aspect. Can you even change yourself after 20 years of trying to deny anything ever happened even to yourself? This stupid thing that happened when you were younger but yet seems to have shaped who you've become without you even knowing it and poping up like a childhood split personality to make you feel nothing exept your fully aware of it and then you finaly have to admit to yourself it did happened while your trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you and you look back at your life and finally have to stop lying to yourself and exept this happened but still conflicted because you don't even have a memory of anything despit the court paperwork, phyical evidence and everything eles that say's this happened not just to you but to someones eles as well later but still can't exept it. How the F@#$ do you deal with that and move on so you don't feel like a little B@#$% anymore and wish you were gay just to get the attention scince it'd be easier just to let out how you really feel instead of having to always put up a front to the world and act like somthing your not and try and be strong, but can't stand the thought of ever doing anything with a man. How do you ever make it so that you can have a helthy relationship with a woman and not either fall in love with her right way because you want and need love to make you happy and not feel like shit all the time but if she ever does show any interset and is in love with you you can't stand her but leave her hanging on anyway because you don't want to be alone. has anyone ever felt like this or had the same thing (not even being able to exept it because u have no memories) because if you do please tell me because the conflict is tearing me up inside and most imortant what the f@#$ i can do to be normal for once in my life.