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#249444 - 09/14/08 03:17 AM I am so f***** up
SuperTramp7981 Offline

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Massachusetts
I am so screwed up, i'm gay.....I guess. I don't like people I should, I don't seem to like them in the way I should. I seem to be looking for what I shouldn't, namely.......more abuse is what I "like". It's like the idea of getting molested by way older men is what turns me on. (AND I DON'T WANT IT TO BE) I don't remember me actually able to make myself masturbate, not once can I really remember it. I don't know how anyone else could possibly, ever be attracted to me. Ya, I have these awful fantasies of stuff being done to me, and then the "other" candyland fantasy of me moving off someplace and meeting the perfect guy, and living my whole life with him in a wonderful place.

Thanks for listening.......sometimes I just really really wish I wasn't me.....

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it's just a part of it:
We've got to fulfil de book.

Chat Name-Lparsons

#249445 - 09/14/08 03:21 AM Re: I am so f***** up [Re: SuperTramp7981]
Marinan Offline

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 330
Super Tramp, even if you are one deserves to be abused. And gay people aren't any worse than any of the rest of us.

#249452 - 09/14/08 06:11 AM Re: I am so f***** up [Re: Marinan]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
First, SuperTramp, let me give you hope. I have been exactly where you are and at that time, I dated older men who used me. I was simply dating my perpetrators over and over again. I thought I liked it, I thought I wanted it, but what I really figured out was that it was just familiar to me and I had been afraid to break away from the familiar and reach for what I wanted. I am no longer there and you can break away too.

This is much like being unconsciously drawn to pain and criticism because they are familiar and easier to deal with than joy and complements that are foreign to our experiences.

Though I didn't must meet the perfect guy, I have met someone fantastic - something I didn't feel was possible for me. Here are the steps that it took me:

1) I had to get myself to a place where I felt worthy of having something better for myself.

2) I had to figure out what I needed on an emotional level from a partner and document it so I wouldn't forget.

3) I had to figure out what values I needed a partner to have, things that we needed to share in common and document it.

4) Focus on meeting people that have the things I needed a partner to have - period - and check my list to make sure.

Using this method I have made some great friends and met my boyfriend. With David, I've found that building the emotional relationship first (he was very supportive when I disclosed and it brought us even closer together) built the physical attraction and what, so far, seems to be becoming a very strong relationship.

Honestly, none of the steps above are easy. It took me a long time before I understood myself and could be honest with myself. It took therapy and my "inner circle" of friends to help me see what I was doing and to build these lists. But I've gotten somewhere I never thought I'd be, somewhere I thought I was too broken and undeserving to ever reach. I'm happy (I get scared when I say it).

Peace and love SuperTramp... and don't give up...


Edited by M3 (09/14/08 06:11 AM)

#252776 - 10/03/08 09:44 PM Re: I am so f***** up [Re: M3]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Please don't feel guilty for how you feel about these things. That happens a lot among survivors, and what's going on is that the guy is recreating the abuse scenario, but now he is in control. That sense of being in control provides a relief from all the negative feelings he has, but only temporarily, since after an episode he is likely to feel even worse about himself. It's a cycle that goes on and on, but therapists usually have good ideas about how to break it once they get to know the survivor and his issues.

My own cycle was drug-related, and what I found was that I had not only to get away from drugs, but also from the crowd in which these drugs were so important and in which wasted kids like me were welcome and "accommodated".

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#256249 - 10/19/08 12:14 PM Re: I am so f***** up [Re: roadrunner]
Nate Offline

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
i understand

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

#256252 - 10/19/08 01:13 PM Re: I am so f***** up [Re: SuperTramp7981]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Originally Posted By: SuperTramp7981
then the "other" candyland fantasy of me moving off someplace and meeting the perfect guy, and living my whole life with him in a wonderful place.

I felt very much like you are now, regarding my sexuality. It did take many years and lots of heavy thoughts and feelings to be a peace with what I yearned and hoped for. I hope there will be a time for you that you will not look at finding the perfect guy, as a candyland fantasy. I think it could be a hope, a wish, a yearning for that perfect guy in your life. And I know you will find it. For me, that has happened and my partner and I could not be happier.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#256527 - 10/20/08 06:12 PM Re: I am so f***** up [Re: KENKEN]
sunwolf Offline

Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
For me it is taking along time to discover my true sexuality, for the time I woudl say I am bi sexual..but even that i am not sure...I guess most human beings are bisexual at some time...what is going on is that I donl;t know ifi would have been bi if there was no abuse on me as a is something that needs to be solved...

#257050 - 10/23/08 12:19 AM Re: I am so f***** up [Re: SuperTramp7981]
ineffable Offline

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Hi Supertramp7981

Bumping this topic back up & I have to ask the proverbial question: Are you seeing a T?

The following is from a book called: Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician by Joe Kort, MSW.

There is a link between early sexual trauma and later sexual acting out which can include same-sex behaviour, but it has nothing to do with orientation. After psychotherapy helps clear away the trauma, the imprinted sexual behaviour often subsides and the client's true orientation - gay or straight - can surface.

I offer you this because you sound tentative in your sexual identity.
If you can deal with the trauma, perhaps some clarity?


:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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