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#257154 - 10/23/08 02:42 PM Re: Not getting provoked into being The Enemy [Re: cinaflower]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I will totally wish you luck! I think you are dead on with everything you say though. I have been in therapy with my H since summer, I had to take all the responsibility of everything wrong in our relationship to get him to go. He told me he would hold my hand as I explained to the T, how messed up I am, he said he would never abandon me in my time of need.LOL, can you believe that? My brother was hysterical when I explained to him that I have emotionally abusing my H and now will be getting help.

My H also made it clear that I better not try to turn this on him. That this was not going to be about the Sa. So the first day we go, he mentioned that he was abused, then said that he dealt with it and is no longer an issue. the T turns to me and says is this true? I said that I think it does still affect us, to which my H cut me off. The T then pretty much told me that I should not be bringing it up if it is not effecting the relationship now. at first I was floored, but then my T explained that he probably did not want to scare him off. I am still waiting for the T to stop walking on eggshells and get to the point of things.

One word of advice, I am a talker, I love to express my feelings, I would try and try and try to get my H to see how I was feeling or how things between us should be. My H fed off of this, he would take things I've said,advice I have given, feelings I have felt, and used them as his own. I first noticed this when we were out with his friend. This person was going on and on about how great my H was, and how he helped him through a crisis, had excellent advice. As the person was talking it dawned on me that my H was discussing this with me, and I was telling him what I thought this person should do, and he used what I said, and pretended he came up with that. Then at therapy, he always cuts me off, and tells the T he can answer for me, because he knows what I will say( which the T still lets him do sometimes) and then tell the T things I've said that seem sane and rational, and say he said them.

So here is the advice, do not talk all that much inbetween sessions. Our T even suggested this, talk yes, but do not go over all your feelings with him, keep things brief, focus on positives. This sent my H in a tailspin. He had to start coming up with his own answers, he has trouble now speaking, which leaves me time to talk. It was hard at first, and seems a little counterproductive, but it's not. You get to express yourself openly at T and the rest of the time you try and focus on positives about each other. My H tries to get me to talk, and I think he picks fights to get me to open up, but I won't. I never realized how little he talked, and how much I did. I wanted answers so bad, that I would unwittingly give him the repsonses that i thought it could be,and then he would pick one. CRAZY.

I have been with my H for 19 yrs, and I am with you, always hoping, but starting to lose faith.


#257236 - 10/23/08 08:42 PM Re: Not getting provoked into being The Enemy [Re: NY Daisy]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
This is an interesting question. My husband has finally agreed to go to couples counseling with me after a rocky couple of years when I found gay porn from the internet and he denied it repeatedlly. Also lied about some things, although I don't think (I pray) he has cheated on me.

My therapist has said my husbandhas to bring up the SA himself, but I doubt that he will. He has told me repeatedly in no uncertain terms he doesn't want to talk or think about it. However that makes our counseling seem to be all about the porn (and I will probably come off sounding like a terreible prude). I think we need to talk about secrets and deception and trust,(and maybe his sexuality which again I know he doesn't want to talk about). I want to talk about how to live with a giant elephant in the room (SA) that I do think has an affect on us but I'm not allowed to bring up. I just don't know how to live like this. I need a>

#257244 - 10/23/08 09:09 PM Re: Not getting provoked into being The Enemy [Re: Therese]
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I think we need to turn the whole equation around and look at ourselves as teammates - we have to be on the same side. To be honest with you, I would never want to rip the mask off of my Dear One because I know that sometimes this is all he has to cling to. In Guyland, these appearances really matter - SA or no SA. If this is what makes him feel stronger & safer, then there is no way I would ever want to disrespect his boundaries. They are there for a reason.

So - the way to cope with it is to look at our own needs, our own insecurities, and our own less than healthy behaviors and decipher how we are contributing to the whole cycle of mistrust. Then, we have to try to lighten up & have as much FUN (yes, FUN) together as we possibly can. The healing process happens really really really really slowly - it won't speed up just because we are feeling neglected or hurt. Our guys have sustained some of THE worst betrayals imaginable - if we don't behave like their best friend, they will never be able to trust us. I have found that when I give affection & admiration, I get it back. When I make demands & feel hurt because I "expect" that he should be acting differently or giving more... guess what happens????

Initmate relationships ALWAYS have secrets - in an odd paradox, that's what makes them intimate! We recognize that our loved one respects our boundaries and will never exploit them - that's the only way we can allow ourselves to become closer in the first place. If the relationship is healthy underneath all the SA acting out, then giving love to ourselves and our menfolk works wonders. On the other hand, if the relationship has gotten to the point of being abusive or just so intolerably lonely, then we have to leave. There is no reason to stay.

So, Therese, my heart goes out to you being in the middle of such a destructive phase. Unfortunately, there are no>
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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