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#25575 - 03/01/05 08:32 AM Looking for feedback
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12156
Loc: Denver, CO
I'll just get down to the details of what's going on lately.

I'm in a survivor's group that meets once a week and will until the end of June. Being in this group makes me think about things and have a heightened sensitivity to my childhood issues. I had a revelation one morning after reading Mario Bergner's book Setting Love In Order. There is a chapter in there on other-sex ambivalence that really came in handy for me. The next morning I had a revelatory moment.

Background: Some of the abuse from my mother involved a lot sights a child should not have to deal with. One of those was seeing her urinate in a parking lot at a store one evening. Other times she would use our drinking glasses - I have memories of her just casually sliding a glass up her dress and dumping it out in the sink when she was done. How messed up is that, when the bathroom is but a few feet away? Then there were the stupid weiner dogs that she sickeningly endeared, while treating her kids like dogs. One of those mutts peed a lot in the house and I was one of the lucky ones to clean it up. Between all this stuff and a childhood "friend," I was exposed to quite the urinary culture as a child. So it's no wonder I took to acting out with this. The interesting part is the connection I made recently....

It occurred to me that most people act out in a way where they are trying to form some kind of relationship in their reparative drive. Some of you can correct me on that if I'm wrong. I always thought of myself as this absolute freakshow who acted out bizarrely. I realized that in fact I am still seeking a relationship even in this strangeness. The relationship is the twisted bond I have with my mother in my heart. Being subtley rejected by her for being male, perhaps even for being born, not having her acceptance or affirmation, part of me is still seeking that in behaving weird like she did. So, I guess I'm still seeking a relationship with her I never had. Part of me still wants to have a mom.

The next step is recognizing and grieving the losses. Those were her affirmation, her acceptance, her protection, her role as mother and as wife.

I would never say I had it bad like David Pelzer, but I pay his story a little homage by saying my mother tried to do a David Pelzer with my hand on the stove. My sister stopped her before I got burned, and I lover her a lot for that. So, you can see mom and I were not really what I would call connected. Part of me even today will take what little mom I can get. She's still mom.

My next goal is to break this unhealthy bond and grieve those losses so I can finally grow up.

My T thinks I'm on the right track.


Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#25576 - 03/01/05 08:03 PM Re: Looking for feedback
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
FT: I can only tell you that, as much as my father did to me physically and as much damage as he did to me mentally by rejecting me and letting me know in so many ways how worthless I was, I would forgive and forget everything if I could have one day as a little boy in his arms being held tight and knowing that he loved me. I think we need the love of our parents so badly to survive, that it really doesn't matter who they are or what they do. We don't have any references to know that their behavior is strange or that what they are doing to us is cruel or wrong. They are our parents and we are programed to love them and to need their love. None of the rest of it matters to the children that we were. We just need to look up and see love looking down at us and to reach out and have love pick us up and hold us and tell us that we are loved and are worthy of that love. If we don't get it then, we are sent on a life's journey of seeking what we so desperately needed but never received. Bobby

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#25577 - 03/01/05 08:19 PM Re: Looking for feedback
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Working in a group and with a therapist has been a part of my recovery experience also.

I think it is a tremendous way to gain understanding, assimilate experiences and grow in recovery.

Sounds like you are doing some very powerful work.

It is exciting to hear and be reminded that it is possible for us to recover from abuse.

It is not always easy, but with the help of professionals and other understanding individuals I believe that all good things are possible.

Thanks for sharing this today. I needed this reminder.


"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#25578 - 03/01/05 08:38 PM Re: Looking for feedback
Charlie Offline

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 148
Originally posted by Bobby:
They are our parents and we are programed to love them and to need their love.
Yeah 'cause when you're a little kid, parents are supposed to be like a safe place you can run to when you're feeling scared. And then one day they're not safe anymore and you have nowhere to go and it's the scariest feeling in the world 'cause it means you're alone.

#25579 - 03/06/05 03:56 PM Re: Looking for feedback
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I think I got a little lost in the 'acting out' part of your post, if it is in relations to what we are seeking or some such thing. When I have 'acted out', it has not been sexually, but physically, in self harm of different ways, including getting other people to beat me up.

But I do agree with the 'need' for parents. I have been really feeling the need for a father, the last few months, for some reason. With all that he did to me and my family, with all the abuses, sometime I wonder, if he were to call me and say 'forgive me, let's get together', I might agree.

I guess I'm not a good source of feedback right now.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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