I am posting more on the past and some of what I am going through at the moment as well.
The Pain of the past has been hidden so well for so long that now I find it hard to pull these things out now that I need to, but memories are resurfacing and so I am posting them as well as I can for the moment.
I remeber being in elementary school on one very cold and rainy Feb 14th. I was so happy with all of the really cool valentines day cards I had gotten from my classmates and was waiting for my adopted mother to pick me up from school. I waited and waited and she never showed. 1 by 1 all of the other kids were picked up and yet I waited. I was the last one there and so i headed out on foot for the long cold and wet walk home. I had a hard time finding my house because I hadn't ever walked it before and when I finally got there no one was home. I had no key and was to afraid to go to the neighbors house for help and I was shivering wet and cold. I found a trashcan, turned it upside down and crawled inside to fall alseep out of the rain. They didn't find me until way after dark and i was most upset that all of my valentines had gotten wet and bled together. I was told by her that she was sorry she forgot about me. Forgot until night time??? Forgot it was valentines day? Or that it was very cold and raining?
Flash forward to me at 17 having been thrown out a few years earlier for my sexuality I worked to finsh high school and it was graduation day. Me in my cap and gown going through the motions...i had a feeling i should have skipped it but i went anyway. After the ceremony my friends all came up to me one by one with their families asking me to take pictures of them. which I did. Not once did anyone want my picture and there was no one there to see me. We did like most kids do and 5 of us piled in a friends car to celebrate. about 10 min into the ride a cold rainy valentines day once again popped into my head and i lost complete control of my emotions sobbing in front of my friends. they asked me what was wrong and so I told them not one of them had wanted my picture at graduation and they knew i had no one there and how much it hurt me. I felt like that little disposable child all over again. I made them stop the car and I got out. It was raining and i had a long walk home. I think its strange how the past and the present collide with me sometimes. I had always felt unloved and unwanted except by my abusers and I hated the other kids who had parents...yes hated! I still feel like a throw away child many days even now. I thought the only ones who "loved" me were my abusive uncles but I have been recently told (and believe) that they were lying, they were all lying to me. I have had a hard time finishing anything in my life and I think its because I don't want the disappointment when no one is there to say "good job" or "congrats" and so I just don't bother anymore. I wonder if this feeling of worthlessness will ever go away.
I will post more as I can I get emotional but know it has to be done so please have patience....justmejoey